Thoughts, Rants, and Cold Coffee

Road Journal Part 6: Northeast and End of the Run

2011-07-01T09:12:00.001-07:00

6/30/11 Had some dates around home, didn’t find it necessary to report there. Just got back from Boston and Vermont, hence my run is over. First, the shows, Boston was a great time. Germs was able to come for this part so we went around town during the day and then I did a few sets at night. Met some great comics, there were some really fringe (for lack of a better word) acts that I got to see in Boston. Which, I really appreciated. I enjoy seeing somebody that puzzles me at first, where I think, “wow, this is a different way at approaching this,” where I don’t even know if it’s an act or not, that’s something I appreciate. It’s always cool when I get to see acts like that because that’s not something I get to see in Pittsburgh ever. That’s not a bash at Pittsburgh, it just seems to me that certain acts that are really doing something cerebral need to head to either LA, New York, Boston or San Francisco. It doesn’t seem like any other city would have a market or scene big enough for the type of acts I’m describing to develop. I could be totally wrong. “Alternative” comedy is a phrase people love to throw around constantly and to be honest I don’t know if such a thing even exists or not but what I do know is that there are some pretty out-of-the-box left-of-center acts out there that I find inspirational, and no, the fact that you have a joke about a unicorn going into a time-machine and do an absurdist impression about a dragon selling make-up door-to-door doesn’t put you into said category. Anyway, Boston, was good to catch up. Met some really cool and talented comics out there, got to catch up with Josh Gondelman. Burlington was exactly what I had hoped for in terms of a place and an end to a run. The city reminded me a bit of the northwest, scenic, nature-esque, laid back, and they’ve got great beer and cheese. I got to see my friends Luke and Justine, and did a show at a place called Radio Bean. I couldn’t find much going on in terms of comedy in town, and there was no comedy club in the city, so I got myself a 30-minute spot on a music show so my friends could have an opportunity to see me in their town. When I arrived at the venue I was a bit worried about how things would go. There were several singer-songwriters up before me alternating songs and while I actually dug their stuff it was not necessarily something that would blend well with comedy. I told the bartender who I was and he told me I could just go up whenever they were finished. Once they were off I made sure the microphone was still on and then I walked around with it a bit testing it to make sure I wasn’t getting any feedback. No intro, cold stage, unsuspecting audience. I went to the bar and requested that the house music be turned off, the bartender responded that he would turn it down. Uh oh. I was a little worried at this point, I went up to my friends and warned them that this may be a train-wreck. Once I got on stage though, the music was completely off, and people were staring at me. Since nobody could bring me up I decided I would just let them know the plan. I told them I was a comedian and because there were no comedy shows in the area this was my opportunity to do a show for my friends, if they wanted to listen, that’d be great, if not, that’s fine too just please go elsewhere if they wanted to talk because there was definitely a handful of people there that wanted to see me. The show went surprisingly well. It took a little bit for people to warm up to the idea and not being afraid to laugh-out-loud, but it ended up going pretty solid, especially considering the circumstance. The staff seemed to dig it and some of the locals mentioned that they enjoyed it and it was something different they never really get. That room could be perfect for comedy and I’m sure an actual comedy night would go really well in that place. I had a great time performing and even though I was worried at first it ended up being a great way to end the run. The next day I hung out on the water, took a boat ride, tried some different beers with Germs, then later that night we bid Lucas and Justine farewell and drove through the night for Boston as our flight left early in the morning. I went to bed upon returning to Pittsburgh. Now comes the time to reflect what it all means, I’ve definitely learned a good deal about myself and comedy. I think I have a much better idea of what work needs to be done for the future and what areas I’m doing reasonably well in and what areas need some more work and attention. On a personal note, I’ve decided I’m going to try to stop using energy drinks, and instead try various green and Turkish teas as substitutes. I can make it iced in advance. I’m also considering taking up hurling, and I want to get back to speaking Italian regularly. The tour is over. Arrivederci fun-yons!

CONNECTICUT MAN BUSTED FOR SOLICITING POT ON CRAIGSLIST

2011-06-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

In Connecticut, a 31-year-old man was recently arrested for attempting to buy marijuana on Craigslist. Craigslist, the popular website-cum-electronic bulletin board, serves as, among other things, a platform to make requests for desired products or services, promote events, and meet other people. While illegal use is strongly discouraged, certain advertisements cleverly disguise their intentions and slip through the vigilant team monitoring the ads for odd, illegal or indecent behavior. An unedited version of the suspect’s post is below:

“Looking for an UNmemorable Night?...

You won’t remember it, but that’s a good thing…lol. I’m looking for someone to smoke tobacco with…fun-time tobacco, you know, the green-happy stuff. Get what I’m throwin’ down? Anyway, me, SWM, 31, looking for a good time. Hobbies include macaroni and cheese, discussing post-modernism and Three Stooges DVDs. The last two interests are actually best when done simultaneously. You: Good looking guy or girl, open-minded, and in possession of the fun-time tobacco. Would prefer you host, parents basement is a bit cramped, lol. Send me an e-mail or text me, if I don’t get back to within a day follow-up because I probably forgot.

Knowledge of Star-Wars, Netflix account, and frozen pizza supply that you’re willing to share strongly recommended but not required.”

If you or anyone you know comes across ads such as these they should be flagged immediately, or immediately contact your local congressman as they are most likely responsible for the initial post.

Thank you, the Craigslist Team.

Road Journal Part 5: End of Southwest and Midwest

2011-06-15T20:35:00.000-07:00

6/9/11 Did the gig tonight, had a fun time though the crowd was a bit rowdy. Hoping I can fall asleep so I can get a few hours in before heading back to the Albuquerque airport tomorrow. I’m ready to be in a more familiar environment, I’m more than ready to fly home. The west coast/south west has been a great run overall. I’ve learned a good deal, had some great shows (some not so great), met some cool people, and re-connected with many friends and comics, which has been absolutely incredible for me. When you get to see so many friends in so many cities, you never have much time to get homesick. I still only feel like I’ve been gone about two weeks even though it’s nearly been a month. The rest of the June dates will be closer to home which will be wonderful. I’m tired of airports, tired of rental cars, tired of buses, I’m ready to rejoin Erlinda (my car) and be on home turf. Plus, for some dates Germs is going to come with me, so I’ll have company. Germs is my girlfriend, I’m tired of typing “my girlfriend” all the time so from hereon in she will be referred to as Germs. That’s not her real name, that’s her nickname, her nickname that I don’t even think she likes, but I came up with it, and it’s my blog, so it goes. I’m looking to wrap this up because I’ve got a long day ahead tomorrow, but a few run highlights: Getting to do some weeks in the Northwest and return to Seattle, it was a thrill to return to the area and I hope it will continue to play a role in my career, San Francisco and Los Angeles, shows and networking out there, getting to catch Love in Vegas and spend some time with Germs and my family, getting to see my cousins in Arizona, going up to “American Jesus” by Bad Religion in Utah, Phoenix gigs, Austin people, getting to see the following states for the first time: Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas. It’s been real 102-degree heat, but I’ll catch ya later!

6/15/11 I didn’t bring my laptop with me the past few days so I didn’t bother updating this. We brought Germs’ laptop because it’s in much better shape than mine, which is on its last legs. Bloomington shows went great, had some college buddies show up too which was awesome. My college crew makes me laugh like no other, they’re all way funnier than me so I’m glad none of them ever considered stand-up. Of course, a few years have gone by, so most have careers, some are married, but it’s nice when some familiar faces can make it down to Bloomington. Memphis was a good time, got to get some delicious food on Beale St, and we did the Graceland and Sun Studio tours. I had been to Memphis before but Germs hadn’t so we made sure we went to all the sites. Nashville, like Bloomington, was a re-connection for me. I don’t mean in terms of shows, it was my first time doing comedy in Nashville…Zanies is an absolutely beautiful club by the way. I did an internship in Nashville while I was in college and lived there for 3 months. It was an amazing time full of random encounters, massive nights and memorable friendships. Not to mention I crashed Billy Currington’s album-going-gold party and had no idea who he was. Thanks for the free food, Sony. Anyway, I went down to the youth hostel I used to live at to see if the guy that ran the place was around but I guess he doesn’t live on-site anymore. The kid in the office told me he had returned to his condo for the night. I was leaving the next morning so I just went back. The place had come a long way since it was my stomping ground back in ’06. Was great to see you/thanks for letting me crash/great to meet you: Hiromi, Patrick and Melinda, Sunny, Ashley and Aaron, Germs’ folks, Raanad and Josh, Deanne and Justin, Chad and all the Nashville comics. I’m back at my house now and will be in the area for a bit until heading to Buffalo and then Boston. Speaking of Boston, made it home in time to catch most of Game 7, though it wasn’t much of one. So it goes, Lord Stanley.

Road Journal Part 4: Vacation, Utah and Phoenix

2011-06-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

6/4/11 I honestly don’t know how I’m still awake. I drove through the night from Phoenix to Vegas, now I’m waiting for my flight to Austin. It’s been a little bit since I’ve written anything for this, reason being I had my built in vacation and didn’t feel like keeping up the routine. I went to Vegas for a couple days and met up with my family and girlfriend. I would’ve liked to have gotten some showcase stuff together while I was out there but I only had two days to spend so decided to treat it as a break. I got to see the Blue Man Group and Love. Blue Man Group dragged a little at times for me but overall was a cool show. Love was pretty solid as well, they made a unique contribution to the large list of work inspired by the Beatles’ music. While I’m a bit skeptical of stuff like that, I can honestly say I enjoyed their adaptation. After Vegas I drove to Flagstaff to visit my cousins who were out there. I got to hike through a lava cave, see Saturn through a telescope, and I took my little cousins swimming, which marked the first time in my life I was ever responsible for the lives of other human beings. Although it was only for an hour-and-a-half I find it worth mentioning that all parties involved made it back from the pool safe and sound. Victory. I think I’m ready to own a dog, though that’s not in the cards anytime soon. After Flagstaff, gigs started up again in Utah. I’d never been to Utah or Arizona for that matter, so it was cool to knock a few more states of the list. After Utah I headed back the way I came to head to Phoenix.

Phoenix was a great time, there’s some really cool rooms out there, plus I got to re-connect with my buddy Todd Hibbeler and his girlfriend, Leah. Which, since I mentioned dogs earlier they have an awesome Boston-Terrier named Waldo. Waldo had mad energy all the time, he even fetched Nerf darts. He’s afraid of stairs and sometimes shits in his cage, needless to say Waldo and I got along pretty well. That’s not to say that I’m afraid of stairs or shit in cages, neither of those habits apply to me, but a dog with qualities like those, what’s not to love? The drive from Phoenix to Vegas was much better than any of the driving I’ve done so far on this trip because I actually had good music with me. Before I was just relying on the radio, but Todd, being the swell guy that he is, allowed me to borrow as many of his CDs as I wanted since he has all of his music backed up on his computer. Fortunately, Todd and I listen to similar music so finding CDs I wanted for the drive was not an issue at all. Having to rely on terrestrial radio is, I would argue at this point, a minor form of torture. Between static, commercials, annoying jocks and insipid play-lists I honestly don’t see how anybody can enjoy commercial radio these days, and when it’s your only option for an 8-hour-drive, you feel it, at least I did. Todd saved me with some great albums to keep me awake. Thanks/was awesome to see you/to meet you goes out to: The family, girlfriend & cousins of course, Susan Jones, Kirk Buckout and all the Phoenix comics, and of course Todd and Leah, thank you for letting me crash, an extremely awesome time and some great tunes for the drive. To Austin!

Road Journal Part 3: California

2011-05-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

5/26/11: San Francisco seemed like one day, and I mean that in a good way. Time has flown the past few days, but I can certainly tell I’m in California, which again, I mean in a good way. Did a few sets in San Francisco, had a great time at Brainwash and the Rockit Room, I also got to spend some time with my buddy Stueve who let me crash at his place. Stueve’s got a gorgeous set-up close to Golden Gate Park and North Beach. I never spent much time in that part of town, so during most of my time during the days I hung out in that area. I didn’t get to some of my favorite spots: Chinatown, Little Italy, City Lights Books, but I had a short time to spend and had stuff to do. Besides, after shows we hit some pretty cool bars, and on Tuesday night Karen was in town and her and her boyfriend Ed came out which was awesome. Later Tuesday night Stueve took me to this burrito place where I had some of the best Mexican food I’ve had in a while. That place is definitely a repeat. So far Los Angeles has been going strong. Shows went well, met some cool people, and got to see some great comedy as well which has been nice. Ed Galvez’s show in Santa Monica is a great room. The last time I was in LA I wasn’t really doing comedy, I had been on stage a few times but was going through that period where I was debating whether or not stand-up was something I really wanted to do. Coming back to LA now that I’ve been doing this for a bit I have a much greater appreciation for the city and how it works. I used to only ever want to consider New York in terms of relocating, but after this trip I think I’d be open to either one, especially since winter is not among my favorite things these days. I’m staying with Jesse Case and he’s got a gorgeous place. Apparently this place I’m staying at used to be an old Hollywood hang-out. There’s a shaded porch with tables, surrounded by orange and lemon trees, a pool and a hot-tub. Rumor has it Marilyn Monroe swam in this pool before. Jesse’s writing space is certainly far superior to my little office writing space in Pittsburgh so I’ve been enjoying spending the days writing jokes in the shade and hanging out by the pool and hitting the comedy shows and stages by night.

5/27/11: I dozed off pool-side reading some David Sedaris. Life on the road is tough. Earlier today Jesse helped me record another Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee episode which was very helpful. Hopefully I’ll get to knock out another segment or two before returning to Pittsburgh. Not too much else to report, trying to get some writing done, and planning out the rest of my summer when I return from the road. LA’s definitely helped me have a better idea of some of the work that needs to be done in the near future to keep this whole thing moving along and not stand still. Tonight Jesse and I are going to hit some stages and then tomorrow I head off to Las Vegas to take a break for the holiday weekend and meet up with my girlfriend and family. I definitely can’t wait to see them, still, I only feel like I’ve been gone about a week, which is good and hopefully will continue. Some California shout-outs are in order. It was great to see you all again and catch up/nice to meet you: Alysia Wood, Andy Wood, Andrew Sleighter, Ed Galvez, Danny Dechi, all of the LA comics that I got to meet and hang out with/put me up, Karen and Ed, Stueve, Tim and all of Stueve’s roommates for not minding the passed out dude on the couch, Jesse Case for letting me tag along for the evenings, letting me crash, and picking me up from the hustle and bustle that is LAX. It’s been real Los Angeles, tonight we duel again and tomorrow I head for Vegas.

Road Journal Part 2: Pacific Northwest Continued

2011-05-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

5/18/11 It’s been a few days because Seattle’s kept me on the busy side. Odd Duck Show on Sunday went well, Monday night I hosted the open-mic at the Comedy Underground. Hosting the Monday is something out-of-town comics usually do when they’re coming back through, so it was cool to come back through for the first time since I moved. It was cool to see Seth doing his thing managing the club, and it was great to see some familiar faces, although well-over half the comics I didn’t even recognize. Tuesday I hosted a gong show in Lynnwood, WA which was a good time as well. Tonight, unfortunately, the Thurst gig got cancelled. It used to be on Thursday and this was the first week it was on a Wednesday. Message must not have spread because there were only 3 comics and no audience. I’m one of those people that takes a canceled gig pretty hard. You bled to get where you’re at, the show must go on. Even if it’s an open-mic, hell, let’s just work-shop on stage together, anything to avoid canceling. I remember winter last year when the huge snow storm happened, nobody really left home for about 5 days. Finally, people could get out and I had something scheduled at I believe the old Funnybone and it was canceled due to no audience. I needed to get on stage that night, it was withdrawal. I ended up going to every bar in the Southside that was supposed to do open-mic that night, everything was canceled because people still weren’t coming out. Finally, after the third attempt, I went back into the bar with the canceled open-mic and asked the bartender, the only other person besides me in the establishment, if I could do five-minutes for her. That’s how much I hate canceled gigs. But, I don’t like to step on people’s toes or have them think I’m crazy because I think we should just deal with the hurricane and maybe just shave 5 minutes off everybody’s set before the stage gets demolished. Besides, there were several bright spots: I got to record another segment thanks to Brett Hamil letting me use his audio segment, and then Brett, myself, and Owen Straw hung out for awhile, which was awesome. The closest bus I caught back to where I’m staying let me off over 30 blocks away from where I needed to be. I put my head down, my hood up and started up the hill. I wasn’t hanging out with friends anymore, so I had nothing but the weight of a canceled gig on my shoulders, no distractions anymore. When it comes to comedy, I’ve learned to take the good in with the bad. There’s nights where you feel like you’ve got the world by the balls and then there’s other nights where taking a toaster in the bathtub doesn’t seem like a bad idea, any other way and it’d be boring or fake. I got home to find an e-mail from my mom that they’re likely going to have to put the old family cat, Blizzard, down. He wasn’t the world’s friendliest cat, but he’d been around since I was 13, it’ll be weird without him around. Besides, I’m drawn to cats partially because they have somewhat of a fuck-you attitude towards humanity. Nothing wrong with a little critical thinking and nothing wrong with critical concluding, if I ever brought life on to this planet I’d want my kid to be the one that questioned what they were agreeing to while being taught the pledge of allegiance. Anyway, needless to say, crappy news on top of a crappy occurrence. I’m trying to shrug the night off, tomorrow’s another day. All-in-all, so far so good. Shows have been solid, with exception to tonight of course, and I’ve got to re-connect with a lot of people, which has been awesome. Here’s to sleep and a new day.

5/19/11: Yesterday started rough but then ended amazing. I woke up still relatively bummed out about the whole situation with Blizzard which made me reflect on my old roommate, Kimmie, who’s part of the reason I ended up in Seattle, who I discovered had passed away last year. But, I had a great day which helped me get through the depressing parts. I started off doing Mike Cumming’s podcast. We talked about comedy, academia, politics, family life, my relationship, the Northwest, the Midwest, the Who, Pink Floyd, movies I hadn’t seen, Joaquin Phoenix and that’s all I can remember off the top of my head but there was oodles more. How does it all tie together you ask? You’ll have to listen to the podcast when it comes out! Oh, podcasting, we talked about that too. Later I met up with my good buddy Ed and had lunch. It was great to see Ed doing well and enjoying living in Capitol Hill and working in downtown Seattle. We talked about the east for awhile because Ed’s from Boston. Later I met up with Karen and she got a snack and we headed to the Comedy Underground. I did a quick set and got to catch up with Derek Sheen, Rory Scovel, Seth Lazear, and Carl Wormenhoven. It was great to see everybody and it was really great to see Carl after he had had his stroke. Carl seemed in great spirits. First thing I said to him, “Carl, how are you feeling?” “How am I feeling? Or, what am I feeling?” Carl even returned to the stage not too long ago. I did my set but then had to split for dinner plans with friends. Had dinner at my favorite spot in Seattle, Brad’s Swingside Café. Was amazing to see Brad and spend a relaxing evening with friends enjoying good food and wine. Next time I come out this way I need to make sure to schedule a few days with no gigs at all I can enjoy nights like these more, it’s important. Ringo said it best, I get by with a little help from my friends.

5/21/11 Carmen’s was a blast as expected. I love that club. It’s obvious that Carmen’s in it because she loves comedy and truly cares about the club she’s running. I wish I could say that about every club owner I’ve met, but that’s definitely not the case. Earlier today I got to attend a Hawaiian jam session with Kermet Apio, who headlined the weekend at Carmen’s. I’ve never sat in on anything like that before so it was a fun cultural experience. The place we went to for the session was a Teriyaki restaurant run by some people who were at the show on Friday night. They gave us our lunches for free which was incredibly kind of them. I regretted not bringing my camera to the event to get some photos. Anyway, the shows went great, crowds were fun and energetic, decent sized especially considering summer’s lurking in the shadows. Tomorrow I head to San Francisco in the evening and should probably get to bed.

5/22/11 The N Gate at Seatac Airport has the worst food options known to man. 5-ish hours ago Kermet and I had Thai food in Issaquah which was excellent, I’m hungry again and had I known that my food options would be this lousy I would have eaten elsewhere in the airport. There’s a Starbucks and a Burger King, I don’t mind Starbucks but it’s not all that helpful when I’m looking for food, and there’s a place called the Bagel Bakery and some other restaurant called Big Foot or something original like that and they feature dishes that revolve around baked beans. They should re-name this gate the culinary abortion gate. First, the bagel place. I’m all about bagel sandwiches but this place has bagels that look like they’ve been sitting for a few days, topped with meats, add-ons and condiments, however don’t worry, portions are small enough so that it doesn’t bleed over the bagel at all. That’ll be $9 please. The other restaurant revolves around baked beans…enough said. Even if you like baked beans, you don’t start a restaurant that revolves around a food that’s most commonly associated with transient people and a campfire. Whoever came up with the idea for this moronic bagel shop must have also dreamt up the idea for this lame-ass baked bean train-wreck. I refuse to accept that the notion that there are two different people breathing on this planet who are capable of such shitty ideas. It’s one guy who lives in the San Juan Islands, listens to John Melloncamp daily and blames all of his problems on Obama. If you ever find yourself near that dude’s house please feel free to take a whiz in the flowerbed. I’m going to have to choose between a rock and an over-priced bagel turd soon though, because I’m dizzy with hunger. In closing, it was wonderful to return to the Northwest, I definitely need to be getting back here at least once a year. It was amazing to see so many wonderful people both in comedy and personal friends. Thank you all very much. It’d be too monotonous to name everybody, and I’m sure I’d forget some people, ah…what the hell. Thank you/it was awesome to see you and you’re great/it was awesome to meet you in no particular order to: Adam Norwest & family, Brian & Cherin, Brett Hamil, Owen Straw, Billy Wayne Davis, Jen Seaman, Andrew Rivers, Solomon Georgio, Barb Sehr, Derek Sheen, Rory Scovel, Ian Edwards, Jonas Barnes, Quincy Jones, Mark Walton, Charles Dorby, Emmett & Kate Montgomery, Joe Fontenot, Brian Boshes, Seth Lazear, Carl Wormenhoven, Mike Cummings, Carmen Garrison, Kermet Apio, Doug & Kermet’s jam buddies, Benee Kent, Tracy & Linn, the Garrison crew, Anthony Calderon, Tom at One Eyed Jack’s, Sunday night karaoke crew, Ed Cleaves and the legendary Brad Inserra, it’s been way too long, and last but certainly not least, James and Karen, you guys are the greatest. If anybody reading this feels they’ve been left out blame Gate N for holding me without nourishment against my will.

Road Journal Part 1: Pacific Northwest

2011-05-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

5/13/11: Tacoma, WA: I find road-journals tacky. Extremely tacky. Some people use it as a platform to just boast about what they’re up to, others as a last resort at solidifying some type of accomplishment, others as something to later give their unborn children that they probably should reconsider having. Then, of course, there’s that special something that occurs when it’s done right: It’s incredibly fun and therapeutic to read. And it has been done right, just read Henry Rollins or Michael Azerrad. That being said, I can’t promise that I’ll do this right. But, I can promise that my intentions aren’t to excessively drop names or validate myself or anything else, there’s plenty of that going on elsewhere, and besides I’ve got nothing to prove. My intention is to provide something mildly informative and entertaining for anybody who’s wondering how this little tour of mine is going. I guess it’s less common for a comic to go on an extended run hitting charted out cities in the same manner that a band does when they go on tour, but plenty of comics do, I’m not the first or last, and quite frankly I think that’s a good thing. So, moving right along, Tuesday night, May 10, I hit a few spots in Pittsburgh and said my goodbyes to some of the comics there. Early the next morning I flew out to Seattle with my final destination being Tacoma Comedy Club. First and foremost, wonderful club, wonderful people. Couldn’t have been nicer or more accommodating. I got off the flight from Minneapolis at about 11:15am. I was operating on about 2 hours sleep, although I slept most of the time on both flights so I caught up some. I had a bag of pretzels on one flight and cookies on the other, they let you pick your snacks at Delta, woot! When I landed I knew I had to somehow find my way to Tacoma. Despite having lived in this area for several years I had only been to Tacoma three times and all three times were for gigs so I was in and out, needless to say I didn’t know the area very well or how to get to and from. I called the club owner about getting the key to the comics’ condo, and he told me he was planning on picking me up from the airport and taking me there, which was thrilling to hear. I went to baggage claim, and waited for my ride.

Wednesday night was open-mic night. The owner asked me if I wanted to stop by and I said yes, I wanted to get the stage-jetlag off before the weekend started. I ended up hosting, and apparently it was an off-night as only a handful of comics showed up. Still, we all had a fun time.

On to Thursday, Ian Edwards is headlining this week and he’s fresh off a Conan appearance. He’s been doing boatloads of local press for the shows this week so the club’s been busy getting him to local television spots and whatnot. Dug his set, he has a bit about sharks that made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt. That doesn’t happen too often, and usually when it does it’s when I’m hanging out with my former college colleagues from the Governor’s Mansion. Earlier that day I took a long walk to downtown, they had a farmer’s market going on which was nice. Tacoma’s tiny so I walked all the way down to the port. Tacoma’s a nicer place than people give it credit for, but in terms of scenery I’ve got to say I’m itching for Seattle.

5/14/11 I’ve had an odd craving for sushi the past few days which has gone unquenched. I’m trying to monitor my budget and grocery store sushi just doesn’t seem rational as it’s expensive and not all that filling. As today’s the last day of the club run, I decided to load up on some groceries for the day at the Safeway up the hill. I had previously been going to Save-A-Lot, so I thought, “what the hell, it’s sunny, it’s my last day here, I may as well splurge and go to Safeway!” As I approached the parking lot I saw a woman yelling at her child. She picked him up, held him chest-high with one arm, and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him with the other. After a few blows she put him down, and then continued beating him while he was standing. Kid started crying and she continued yelling at him, I have no clue what this kid did or could’ve done because one second they were just walking to the car and the next she’s kicking the shit out of him. I now know why the locals tell you to beware the Hill-Top. I still stand by what I said, Tacoma is nicer than people give it credit for, but I did write said statement before I wondered up to the Hill-Top Safeway. I still stand by it, but with far less enthusiasm than I had yesterday. The Safeway wasn’t anything to write-home about, tiny, small selection and over-priced even for Northwest rates. I looked at a few sandwiches and deli options, everything was at least one-day old and I could get a cheaper sandwich at Subway. I left Safeway empty-handed and instead opted for the Subway down the road.

Due to a conversation I had at the Maproom, one of my new favorite bars, I’m reading “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” It had been on the list for quite some time and I never got around to it, people have told me it’s the perfect travel book so I decided it’d be my first summer-reading on the road. I think once I’m done I’ll do something else light, because later in the month I’m planning on diving into some heavier works some of my colleagues had recommended.

I haven’t mentioned the shows much thus far, and that’s for the sole reason that I’m slightly weird and superstitious about that sort of thing, especially club weeks. Meaning, the shows were going strong, so I didn’t want to mention something on Friday and then jinx the rest of the week. Alas, strong shows were had from start to finish. Late show Saturday was tiny bit rowdier because there were a lot of fairly drunk people, but nothing unreasonable or out of line, crowds were great all around, all the comics were great to work with and even got to meet a few people popping in for guest sets from out of town.

5/15/11: My original plans to hop a bus to Seattle at my leisure changed when the bar manager, Brian, invited me to his birthday brunch at Salty’s at Redondo Beach. If you happen to reside in the Northwest area, their seafood brunch is absolutely incredible. I joined Brian and his wife, Sharon, who also works at the comedy club, and then they told me they’d take me to Seattle because they were going there for the day for his birthday. Needless to say it is a very, very pleasant surprise to enjoy an absolutely incredible seafood buffet and make some new friends when you were originally planning to spend way too long on a Sound Transit bus. Kudos to Brian and Sharon for being so flippin’ cool. They dropped me off in Capitol Hill and wished me well, I told them we should plan on doing this again next time I’m in the area.

I hung out at the Tully’s near the Odd Duck Theater because I had all my stuff with me and didn’t want to be walking around too much before the show. I got some e-mails sent and writing done and sipped on a cup of coffee. Staying in trend with pleasant surprises I got a call from Brian Boshes saying that he was going to be meeting his girlfriend in Capitol Hill and that he’d head up early so we could chat awhile at Tully’s. I’ve always pegged Brian a renaissance-man because he has a technically demanding job at Amazon, is a very funny and talented comic, and he can build shit. Turns out he’s an entrepreneurial mind as well! It’s always great to catch up with old friends. Which I got to do a lot of last night! It was amazing to see some familiar comic-faces at the show last night, and it was super, super awesome that some friends came out to the show and are letting me crash at their place. Shout-outs to commence later.

THOUGHTS, RANTS AND COLD COFFEE ON NEW DISSIDENT RADIO!!

2011-05-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee has recently been getting airplay on New Dissident Radio. New Dissident Radio is an online radio network out of Los Angeles. From their webpage:

“Created by award winning radio personality & veteran comedian Johnny Dam, New Dissident Radio finally fills the intellectual gap other talk radio stations ignore…a home for anything that flies in the face of social convention. It’s not for the light of mind or those of abnormally strong moral fiber. It’s for those that want and expect more from their talk radio radio AND their Internet!

Dissidence breeds knowledge

Silence breeds ignorance”

Needless to say, it’s a thrill and an honor to be played on a network alongside such acts as Johnny Dam, Rick Shapiro, Dylan Brody, Kelly Carlin and many, many more. Check out New Dissident Radio at http://www.newdissidentradio.com/ and be sure to check out Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee!!

Corbett Proposes Budget Solutions for Higher Education

2011-05-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett has been urging various state universities to consider shale drilling to help them with their expected budget cuts. “Look, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and I thought, what better egg to break than higher education, so these cuts are pretty significant, I mean, not enough people in academia vote for me anyway and the students don’t care, so we may as well drill.”

Under the current law, however, any royalties from said drilling would go to the state’s Oil and Gas Lease fund and not the University. When questioned about this, Corbett shrugged and threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground, “Details, details! I mean come on, look at all this land, sure some people see a preserved nature-esque campus ideal for scholarly pursuit, but me, I see dollar signs baby!”

Governor Corbett went on to give further suggestions for Universities to seek out revenue in light of his proposed budget cuts, “Start a garden, you could grow all kinds of crops and sell them at wholesale, have the students tend to them so then you won’t even have to pay for the labor, give them internship credit or something.” Gov. Corbett did indicate, however, that school must come first. “Oh, definitely, I mean we only want the best for these kids and the awesome job market they’re getting into, so unless your GPA is above a 1.7 you won’t get the opportunity to work in these campus gardens.”

Other revenue-building suggestions from the Governor included leasing out campus land for mini-landfills, eliminating all student and employee benefits, and holding volunteer bake sales. He even offered to rent space on campus for his campaign office. “We’ll transform a place on campus that’s pretty much useless, you know, like a library or something.”

Before leaving Corbett once again emphasized drilling. “There’s no reason not to, we should totally drill, it’ll be safe, I’ve got a whole committee overseeing all of this,” he added, “a few of them even have environmental backgrounds.”

Be a Music Major, it's Cheaper!

2011-04-28T11:12:00.001-07:00

University of Nebraska-Lincoln is proposing a new tuition structure in which tuition amounts would vary depending on the student’s major. According to the World-Harold Bureau, UNL Chancellor, Harvey Perlman, is slated to present what has been deemed the “differential tuition proposal” to the NU Board of Regents this coming Friday.

The proposal is expected to allow UNL to charge more tuition for some undergraduate programs than others. With the rise of student-debt, the bleak job market and the diminishing value of a bachelor’s, this policy may soon become common place at Universities all across America.

Soon the “chasing-the-dream” majors won’t be senseless, they’ll be affordable! Here’s a list of the 5 most economically-friendly majors to make tuition as manageable as possible:

5. Theater- sure every-so-often somebody breaks into movies, or has some success on the stage, but with all that tuition money you could’ve gotten a studio in LA or New York and have spent four years establishing yourself in the business. Not to mention the desperation and self-loathing would fine-tune your thespian skills and teach you something you can’t get in a classroom. Now, with your slated earning potential tuition will be so affordable you can graduate, head right out to the big city, and not even need food-stamps for a solid month.

4. Creative Writing- You know you can do that in your bed-room for free right? Hell, you don’t even need a home, just a pen, maybe a notebook. You don’t need a degree to do creative writing and you certainly don’t need much start-up cash, just ask Charles Bukowski, and that was back in the day when you still had to pay for postage to send those submissions in, it’s e-mail now baby! Of course, like most writers, you can’t ask the Buk about this because he died awhile ago with little to his name, as you likely will too. Given the bleak life most writers lead, why add student debt to the mix? Creative writing tuition is at a bare minimum so you can fuel your alcoholism for years to come!

3. Art History- These days a job at a museum requires nothing more than a hipster hair-cut and a bad attitude. Four years of memorizing names from the Renaissance seems like a lot more work! Worry not, with this low tuition there’ll be enough left over to buy new hair dye every week!

2. General Studies- “Hi Prospective Employer, here’s a piece of paper that I took 7-years to earn that basically says I was never able to make up my mind.”

Umm…We’ll call you if we’re interested…

With tuition this low, the phone bill will always be paid on time so employers can contact you anytime day or night. *Disclaimer: That doesn’t mean that they will.

1. Music Business- Yes, it’s an actual degree, learn the music industry by being, well, far away from it. Tuition is extremely low though, so low that you’ll always have cash to get into that rock show one of your co-workers swore “they put your name on the guest-list for.” And remember, that story about meeting Dylan will always make you the center of attention at dinner parties…some things money can’t buy.

Glenn Beck's Book: Why I read it

2011-03-31T23:21:00.001-07:00

In my academic-life, a hat I wear 9 months out of the year generally from Monday-Thursday, I came across the one-and-only Glenn Beck and his “book” Arguing With Idiots. I actually chose to indulge myself in this masterpiece and why? Because I was given an assignment to write a review of a popular press book that deals with issues addressing civility. It could be an example of civility, or an example of incivility. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was read some how-to handbook on talking to co-workers. There are many reasons I pursue comedy and academia, one of them is because I don’t particularly want co-workers. I don’t want to share a cube, I don’t want the small-talk, I don’t want to hear about somebody’s kids or their weekend at the casino and pretend like I’m interested, not for me. And I did the day-job thing for a bit. Bought that ticket, took the ride, removed my body harness, exited to my left and said, “Well, I came, I saw, not for me, so long and thanks for the calendars.” So, a book like that was out. There was a second thing I knew regarding my book selection…This project was going to be boring as hell if I chose something I agreed with. “This is a wonderful example of civility and boy, was it a page-turner.” No thanks, not going that route, give me something to get pissed about, give me something that’ll make me question the progress of my species, give me something coffee-table sized and with LOTS OF PICTURES.

I thought of a couple titles, Ann Coulter was in the running and several others, but sooner than later I landed on Beck. The reason being quite simple: He was readily available in the University library. Besides, I thought Glenn Beck would be interesting, he had just done his Rally less than a year ago, he was always finding his way to the spot-light, and I still remember the Glenn Beck Day fiasco out in the Northwest. I lived in Seattle at the time so I got to watch up close as even his home-town of 32,000 didn’t want him there. For those of you that may not remember said event here’s a brief snippet from my paper:

“City Council unanimously decided that they would have nothing to do with the event, issuing a statement that read: ‘Mount Vernon City Council is in no way sponsoring the Mayor’s event on September 26, 2009 and is not connected to the Glenn Beck event in any manner’ (Ariens, 1). Mayor Bud Norris, who knew Beck as a child, ended up paying for the event. The event drew over 800 protestors and a petition to cancel the event started by FUSE Washington recruited over 16,000 signatures, nearly half of Mount Vernon’s population.”

I went to pick up the book from the library the day after I got the project approved, which I was a bit surprised that I got the green light but the professor told me that nobody had ever taken the route I was interested in before and she was excited for something different. I picked up a few other books I needed along with Glenn Beck’s masterpiece. The girl checking my books out noticed the Glenn Beck title and smiled, “My dad is a huge Glenn Beck fan, he watches him, like, every night.” “Well, I’m not, this is for research.” Silence. “Oh, well, these are due back March 22.”

That conversation was about as awkward as reading Glenn Beck’s book. I’m not quite sure what’s so inconvenient about An Inconvenient Book but based on my experience with Arguing… I’d imagine it’s inconvenient because one needs Tums on hand at all times just to get through it. First, the structure of the book:

“The structure of the content in the book itself made reading difficult. The pages had different boxes and side-bars that contained various quips, ideas, quotes from deemed ‘idiots,’ and statistics that were not directly aligned with the text. One of these reoccurring side-bars was appropriately named ‘A.D.D. moment,’ in which Beck would offer an idea, usually an opinion, to compliment what he was talking about. Most pages of the book featured at least two side-bars, with some having up to four. This allowed Beck to form his ideas in a cluttered, stream-of-conscious manner that made following the text difficult. I found myself having to review pages several times to stay on course with the ideas being presented. Pictures of Beck himself were at the end of each chapter in which he was wearing a George Washington wig. I found this excess of visual imagery unnecessary and distracting, and it made reading this book an unpleasant experience.”

Not to mention the picture of him in a wig was beyond creepy. It looked like he was constipated or had just finished snorting cocaine. Have you seen Jared Lee Loughner’s mug-shot? Yeah, it’s like that…Seriously.

I tried to keep track of every instance in which Glenn Beck made a blatantly insensitive or ignorant remark but honestly I quit after I had over 2 pages worth of notes and had only gotten through about 30 pages of the book. I decided to summarize:

“Due to space constraints within this paper, it would not be possible for me to list every instance where Mr. Beck issued a comment, quip or idea that was insensitive to another group that I found within one chapter let alone the entire book; however, here is a summary of several groups that Mr. Beck disrespects and devalues: First, there is the example above regarding large people; Oprah, Michael Moore and John Goodman. Second, Mr. Beck takes aim at women. The following is from a hypothetical rant on possible government-run healthcare: ‘You’d probably end up being able to visit only female, minority doctors who run zero-emission offices located on Indian Reservations’ (Beck, 17). The situations in which Mr. Beck forecasts the future are the moments in the book where it is increasingly difficult to follow his thought process. However, one can only assume Beck is implying that female doctors, in-particular minority female doctors, are not as good as male. Third, Mr. Beck has issues with intellectuals. ‘Ask a political-science nerd about what type of government Venezuela, Cuba,…or Vietnam have and you’re likely to get a dissertation…’ (Beck, 28). Here Mr. Beck expresses a problem with anyone who wants to examine and explain complex government systems, instead of labeling them as something to fear and dislike as Mr. Beck does. With tact one would expect from a first-grader, Mr. Beck dismisses anyone who may challenge his perspective as a ‘nerd.’ He sarcastically describes the world of progressive education as a ‘feel-good, sunshine and lollipops world’ (Beck, 67). Finally, Mr. Beck is no stranger to racism. In a hypothetical letter from the ‘U.S. Ministry of Education,’ an Orwellian-scenario Mr. Beck creates due to paranoia towards the Obama Administration, Mr. Beck’s designated restaurant is ‘Cantina del Mundo’ and his gas station is ‘MaliaMart’ (Beck, 76). The purpose of these names is to further the stereo-types that Mexican people always work in kitchens and Middle-Eastern people own gas stations and convenience stores.”

Oh, and I couldn’t help but noticing this reoccurring hypocrisy:

“Mr. Beck apparently is intrigued by large people in the public sphere as he also targeted John Goodman, ‘…is like trying to convince John Goodman to fill up on salad at a buffet—it’s against everything they stand for’ (Beck, 23), and Oprah, ‘like Oprah, government only knows how to get bigger’ (Beck, 24). Obese and large people are among the many groups Mr. Beck does not approve of, which is ironic considering his bigoted nationalism for the United States.”

Plus, let’s think a bit about demographic and fan-base here, I don’t like to generalize, but Glenn Beck hating on over-weight white people is like an indie-band hating on anyone that wears skinny-jeans…kind of biting the hand that feeds if you ask me.

“In conclusion, Arguing with Idiots, as the title would suggest, is destructive to any form of dialogic civility. Although some of Beck’s ideas are presented in a rational fashion, his constant use of verbal abuse, use of politics solely for polarization and threatening of personal standings and marginalization towards countless groups immediately dismisses cooperation while promoting a failure to listen. Name-calling, stereo-types, nationalism and luxury seem to rein superior to dialogue, problem-solving, cross-cultural understanding and service. While it would seem extreme to blame a talking-head like Beck for recent events in the political sphere such as the Gifford shootings in Arizona, this book clearly indicates that his work does nothing to prevent situations such as those. One of the main missions of our department, to paraphrase, is to ‘keep the conversation going.’ Reading this book allows one to understand the importance of said mission, as through misanthropic rants and hatred encased in conversation with an imaginary opponent, Beck displays the results that occur when the conversation ceases to exist.”

Now I know there are some people out there that want to play the whole “he’s a humorist” or “it’s meant for entertainment and comedy” card. True, it’s meant for entertainment, but so is the rest of TV news in this country as far as I’m concerned. However, if I ever thought for one second that what Glenn Beck was doing was comedy than comedy would be a genre I’d be ashamed to be part of. It’s not satirical, it’s mean-spirited, it’s not word-play, it’s polarization and laziness, and it’s not racial humor, it’s racist. You want some great humor on race? Check out Chris Rock, Bill Burr, Ty Barnett, Hari Kondabolu, W. Kamau Bell, the list goes on. You’ll be able to tell the difference between that and Glenn Beck, I promise.

One thing I’ll give Glenn Beck is that the title of the book is accurate. His opponent was imaginary, so for the entire book he was arguing with himself.

Some Thoughts On/From the Road

2011-03-07T13:19:00.001-08:00

Ever since I was a little kid the idea of traveling as an artist intrigued me. I loved music, and I loved concerts even more, and I knew that the band, whoever they were, was on tour. What a way to live, I thought, you get to stay in hotels all the time, which was amazing to me. A hotel meant you were in a room that always smelled like a hotel, which was an awesome smell, and you could go swimming whenever you wanted, because in my small world every hotel had a pool. Of course, we all know swimming in a hotel pool was the 2nd most fun experience you could have, the first being swimming in an ocean. When I would go on family vacations, I would pretend that I was a famous musician on tour playing whatever location I was in (sure it’s weird that we’re doing 7-days worth of shows in the Outerbanks, what can I say, we’re a big draw here!) As a 10-or-so-year-old, touring was it, that was the alpha and the omega, that was for me, I wanted to conquer the US and then the world, I wanted to play 7-nights a week, I wanted to have atlases coming out of my ears because GPS wasn’t invented yet!!!

The first time I went on the road, which wasn’t all that long ago, I felt like my life had forever changed. This was what all of those other comics were telling me about all those times I did guest sets, and they weren’t bull-shitting, this is IT!!! I thought to myself, “how could anyone possibly ever get tired of this? This is the greatest thing in the world!” The headliner I was out with, a guy out of LA named Jerry Corley, was incredibly cool to me, gave me some very valuable advice and even carried me back to the hotel room one night after I had a bit too much to drink. I came back from that week and I’m pretty sure I lost money, but none of that mattered, something was different, it was loosing one’s virginity all over again. I had a strut for a week.

Several years have gone by since then and I travel fairly frequently on the weekends and throughout the year, I’ve realized that it’s not the rush it was the first time, in fact sometimes it’s not fun at all, and not everybody you meet along the way is cool, and comedy has gone from a labor of love to a reasonably consistent part-time income that I count on each month. I used to say that if this ever starts feeling like a job I would quit, and while I had the right idea, I was naïve to a certain degree when I said that. I’ve since changed my position, if it ever starts feeling like a job that I don’t love doing, that’s when I’ll quit. This weekend I was in central-PA and when I woke up Saturday morning and I was congested and my voice was hoarse. I guess the temperature in my room was not a good match and it messed with my sinuses big time. What I wanted more than anything was to sit at home, watch Netflix with my girlfriend and the cats, have a Hot Toddy to clear the sinuses and pass out. But that was not to be the case, home was 4 hours away and I had some shows to get through. I threw down a Monster, had some water and got through it, and it was a fun time even though health-wise I wasn’t quite myself. I didn’t want to be anywhere other than my own bed that night, so I embarked on the drive home as quickly as I could. I was greeted with rain the entire way home, took me longer than it should’ve and I was beyond exhausted when I finally got through the front door. It was well worth it though because I was able to get some meds going right away and by Sunday afternoon I was pretty much back to normal, which was good because I had dinner plans. Anyway, I guess what I’m getting at is that sometimes it does feel like a job. It’s not particularly fun staring at maps for hours on end trying to figure out routing to put together summer shows, it’s not fun sending out e-mail after e-mail, call after call, it’s not fun showing up somewhere to showcase and then finding out the booker left early that night even though you talked to them beforehand, and, of course, like the other 99% of comics out there I’m no stranger to rejection. But, at the end of the day, I’m enjoying the fact that I can spend time doing all those things instead of punching a time clock for somebody else, and…fuck it, what I’m trying to say is I could really use an agent.

The Winnipeg Smoker and Justin Bieber

2011-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

‘Sarah Palin’ trademarked her name…Apparently she doesn’t want what happened to Rick Santorum

A student in Connecticut prompted his own arrest by calling 911 to ask how much trouble he could get into for growing marijuana. At first the dispatcher gave him the benefit of the doubt, but his follow-up question was where could he buy Bob Marley CDs, and then he called back 5-minutes later and tried to order a pizza.

Young Alex Barton was voted out of his Kindergarten class by his fellow students for his behavior, this resulted in a $350,000 settlement. Who knew social outcasts could make that much money without starting a rock band?

Alex will receive the money throughout his life through age 18, which makes one wonder if he’ll write any of his former classmates…

“Enjoying my all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii, how was the rest of Kindergarten without me? Hey, maybe if you come to this resort and vote me out of it I’ll get another couple nights here!”

Religious Group “Good As You” compares Homosexuality to second-hand smoke…if lesbian porn causes lung cancer I think we’re all in trouble

A young Winnipeg man had an altercation with cops due to reports of an armed assailant nearby. They held him at gunpoint and told him to drop the cigarette to which he responded that he “only had 2 drags left.” When he was arrested he needed two seats in the cop car, one for himself and the other to prop up his balls.

Once the altercation was resolved the man was reported to have been breathing easier, although still wheezing a bit.

Justin Bieber fans attack Esperanza Spalding's Wikipedia page the day following his Grammy loss, good to know that so many middle-schools have the internet these days.

Friends...Please Read...

2011-02-10T23:17:00.001-08:00

Does the ... make you think it's bad news? Just curious. Well, it isn't. In fact, it's pretty good news.

This summer, I will be going on a fairly extensive summer tour. My goal is to hit every nook and cranny I possibly can within reason. I'm going to be doing a little bit of everything ranging from feature club weeks, to one-nighters, to showcases, to independent shows, to open-mics, you get the idea...Hell, if you are reading this and my itinerary finds me close to you I'll do a show in your basement if you want, there's nothing like that on the agenda yet but I'd be open to it. Point is, everything and anything. Some places I'm going to strictly for the gig itself, other places I'm going to for networking, some places I'm going to because I have friends there and want to check the place out, why not mix a little business with pleasure right?

So, to all my friends out there, if you're looking for some summer company, drop me a line. Chances are I've already contacted you in regards to this manner, in which case rest assured I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This is something I've been wanting to do since I was 12-years-old playing in garage punk bands. I've been on the road a fair amount since I've been doing comedy, but this will be the first time that I'm doing something this extensive and, possibly most importantly, on my own terms. As of right now, all of the shows I have confirmed are listed under the "Shows" section of my website. More will be announced as they are confirmed. Hope to see you on the road! Again, if you're interested in putting on a show or think I should definitely be adding your town to my list, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Creed: Animals would rather starve than listen to our Music

2011-01-30T12:52:00.001-08:00

Sounds like a harsh review from a pretentious music journalist doesn't it? Sadly, for pseudo-grunge-pseudo-Christian-rock-sort-of band Creed, it's actually a reality.

In Rakkestdad, 13-year-old Walter Eikrem was walking home from his school bus stop when he saw four wolves near his home, his mother had meant to pick him up because she had heard reports of wolves being in the area, but she got held up shopping.

Eikrem had remembered his mother's advice that he should never run from wolves (apparently his mother is better at giving advice than she is at providing transportation), and decided to turn his speakers on full-blast to scare them away. The song playing was "Overcome" by Creed. The wolves left and Eikrem is fine, however, tragically, the use of the song "Overcome" indicates that the band Creed is still making music, as this is an unknown fact for the majority of society many are disappointed by the news. Especially, as coincidence would have it, the wolves themselves.

My animal correspondent and cat, Lucy, was able to get in a few words with Tucker, one of the wolves at the scene.

Lucy: So, what have you guys been doing in the area?

Tucker: We're just passing through, I know people are kind of freaked out with us being here but whatever, they'll just have to evolve, we got to move, ya know?

Lucy: Well being domesticated myself I can only imagine, so you have my sympathy.

Tucker: You know, there were some classical violinists back in the day that used us as mascots so to speak, that was way back when, one of my great-great-grandfathers had that gig for awhile. You know, over the years you'd think with Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, that someone would've gotten on board but nobody has, what can you do?

Lucy: I guess you guys have been a bit under-represented these days...

Tucker: There's the Twilight crap, but really that doesn't help us, my pack's a bunch of rock and rollers, you know, till the end.

Lucy: I dig that. So what were you guys doing when you encountered Eikrem specifically?

Tucker: You know, it's funny, we were making mix-tapes for each other.

Lucy: Wow! What a coincidence!

Tucker: I know, right?

Lucy: So, I won't keep you, so let's get to it: Was it Creed that made you guys leave?

Tucker: Oh, of course. I mean, come on, that stuff's just awful, we didn't even know what it was. John (one of the other pack members) was all like, "what the piss, sounds like someone's giving an electric guitar an abortion!" And, you know, we all had a laugh with that one, but it was just awful, awful racket.

Lucy: Made you lose your appetite?

Tucker: Completely. Then we thought, maybe we should eat this kid, I mean the world could certainly use one less Creed fan right? I'm pretty sure they're the lowest form of humanity, definitely less evolved than we are.

Lucy: Oh, absolutely.

Tucker: But then we realized, the kid's only 13, he's got time to evolve, I mean I know I've got some skeletons in my closet from when I was that young, but, what can I say, I really dug eating humans, not as much of a thrill these days...

Lucy: No, that's true. I'm pretty sure my provider was listening to Blink-182 when he was 13, he's doing much better now in those regards, he still talks to me more than I think is healthy for humans to be doing, but I just role with it. Anyway, do you guys think you'll be back that way?

Tucker: Actually, we already have been back that way. John felt bad for the kid, especially since he's got a neglectful mum, so he buried a few records in the back yard, you know, to help the kid get on a better path, there was some Rolling Stones, Tom Waits, a little bit of MC5, Duran Duran, which I know pained John to part with, but, you know, I guess he had a soft spot for the kid.

Lucy: That's noble of you.

Tucker: Human species is going to hell in a paw-basket, may as well do our part right?

Lucy: Good call, well, I'm sure you've got to hit the roam again, thank you for your time.

Tucker: Cheers, stay safe on the domestic front yeah?

Lucy: For sure, safe travels.

We’re all left to wonder, perhaps if humans had similar tastes to wolves top-40 radio would actually be bearable.

Over-Privileged College Kid Makes Statement and Other Quips

2011-01-21T12:04:00.001-08:00

President Obama recently received a $400 pencil, this will save on paper as now he can just erase parts of a bill as it's being gutted as opposed to printing out a new one.

Rick Santorum links African American Civil Rights with the rights of unborn babies, Santorum says it's not much of a stretch, after all, fetuses would also likely find it difficult to hail a cab in the Midwest.

Nic Ramos, University of Colorado student, decides to make a statement by paying his tuition in all $1 bills. He says the experience has given him a greater appreciation for the money his parents give him. He will likely be seen as the spokesman for all over-privileged 19-year-old's with too much time on their hands and a YouTube account. Ramos says he hopes his actions get people thinking, mission accomplished as Ramos' mother is likely thinking "why didn't I just give fellatio that night."

In the UK, members of the Boyscouts can now earn badges by busting drivers for speeding, tactics are expected to be duplicated in America to save money on police force and scouts can earn two badges if the guilty party attempts to bribe them with free booze.

Former England soccer star Jermaine Pennant left his Porsche at a rail station for a month because he forgot he owned one, Pennant recently received a sympathy call from John McCain, who joked that he had no idea which one of his houses he was calling from.

John Boehner: Quaaludes to Blame for Half-Hearted Speech

2011-01-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

Several members of John Boehner's staff have come forward to apologize for Boehner's half-hearted and insensitive response to the Arizona shootings:

"We've been getting alot of complaints, and, I mean, I guess it's fair. Here's a guy that has difficulty controlling his emotions at any given time and here in a case of extreme tragedy he gives a speech and you'd think he was talking about a possum that got run over."

According to the staff citizens have complained there was "no tone of sadness in his voice," he was "too stoic and matter-of-fact" in his delivery and he found it necessary to instruct everyone to behave a certain way since "today is the Sabbath." He gave said speech on Sunday. Gabrielle Giffords is Jewish.

"We did get some fan-mail over that one actually, mainly from Tea Party members and the religious right, Glenn Beck sent an autographed copy of one of his books, which was actually perfect timing because it's freezing in Ohio right now and we needed something to keep the fire going."

However, according to the staff the "lame" speech was no fault of Boehner's, as he has in fact been on a heavy dose of Quaaludes and has undergone several experimental surgeries to keep his tear ducts at bay. One staff member, who has requested to remain anonymous, said that the treatments given to Boehner were his suggestions.

"After he cried, I was like, 'come on man, we're Republicans. This isn't some hippie-liberal-douche-crap.' I told him he needed to toughen up. I mean look at the size of his gavel, he’s compensating for something, that’s for sure."

At first, Boehner and staff tried to fix his "issues" without the help of prescription drugs.

"We made him watch Bambi, like, 50 times, but after each time we'd give him some venison jerky. I'd be like, 'see, isn't this awesome, Bambi's a tasty treat, don't you think Bambi would want to be a tasty treat?' He'd keep crying on and on about Bambi's mom, he'd spit out the jerky, and we'd have to give him another time-out. 50 times man, 50 times."

After the Bambi experiment failed other movies were tried.

"We did Forrest Gump for a bit, that didn't work either, he cried every single time with that one. He wasn't crying because of Forrest or Jenny or anything, he was crying for Nixon. He hated the whole Watergate thing, he could never hold it in for that. 'Poor Nixon!' he'd shout."

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) confirms Boehner's need to "toughen up."

"We went out one night, and man, this guy couldn't hold his stuff. After one shot he was a mess. I told him, I was like, 'look man, you need to toughen up or I'm going to do to you what we did to that bitch on the swim team at Baylor.' Man, those were the days, college...what we're we talking about? Oh yeah, Boehner, I was all like, 'look man, stop being such a pansy.'"

Boehner, who has repeatedly ignored our attempts to contact him in regards to this matter, under went the surgery and was prescribed Quaaludes the day after his over-night binge drinking with Rand Paul. Boehner apparently woke up soaked in his own vomit and urine with a drawn male organ across his face. Though nothing has been confirmed, sources say Rand Paul was the artist behind the penis.

"It was ridiculous, I mean, he had to make a speech that day, and in he came, hung-over and with a huge c#$k on his face. I mean didn't this guy have a childhood?"

Some questions will always be better off rhetorical...

A Personal Year-in-Review 2010

2010-12-31T10:28:00.001-08:00

Typically, I like to spew out a reasonable summary of the events of the year, and there's been plenty to talk about...An Election Year, the Glenn Beck Rally, the Rally for Sanity, Palin, Obama, the KFC scholarship, Jesus' Worst fans, another year of fun-yet-scary media debauchery, the list goes on....BUT, this being a close-of-the-decade year I decided to do something a bit different and give a more brief and personal send-off to 2010.

First, if you don't have plans tonight, and live in Pittsburgh, consider coming down to Papa J's for their New Year's Eve bash. I'll be doing jokes for a bit along with a few other locals followed by music via DJ for the remainder of the evening...That being said this is the first-time for me, not just in comedy but in my life, having a NYE gig of any sorts, which is kind of particular I suppose. I had an offer in '08, but that year I did a show on Thanksgiving, so the girlfriend asked me to promise there would be no NYE gig, to which I obliged.

Overall this year has been a pretty solid one for me in terms of comedy and career, so I'd like to thank everybody who has shown their support in any and every way, whether it be coming out to the gigs, booking me, letting me open for you, sharing advice I actually asked for, talking shop, listening to me rant when things go lousy without throwing a foreign object, or even having a few drinks with me to cope with gig cancellations, for the sake of time and space I'm not going to be too particular but you all know who are, thank you a million times over, it means the world and then some.

Thank you to everyone that made this year's Holiday Ha-Ha a great one. We had over 100 in attendance, and featured sketch and a music ending for the first time ever. To all the comics who dedicated their time and effort and all of those who came out, thank you for making it a memorable one.

Right before I left my house to head down to Club Cafe, I was perusing through Facebook, mainly to cope with being nervous, and I noticed the profile of my old roommate Kimmie from when I lived in Nashville. I realized I hadn't heard from her in awhile and decided to do a profile-check to see what she was up to. I found out that Kimmie passed away. Kimmie and I were roommates for around three months, and although we only crossed paths for a short time in both of our lives we stayed in touch fairly regularly. Kimmie's husband is a trucker, so she would move around often, but I'd usually hear from her via e-mail every so often and usually I'd get a phone call from a number and an area code I didn't recognize whatsoever, to be pleasantly surprised that it was Kimmie's new number and she was living somewhere new and enjoying it, or in some cases looking to leave and head elsewhere. She was a true free spirit but more importantly one of the most genuine people I had ever met. We lived in a Youth Hostel, and Kimmie made pretty much everybody passing through feel right at home by introducing everybody and more often than not preparing a meal for them. She did this out of her own generosity, she was never formerly hired by the place to do any of this, and to my knowledge she never received any financial compensation of any sorts, she just genuinely loved travelers and loved to have a good time and wanted to share that with others. Kimmie was always very encouraging of me at a time when I didn't have a clue what I should've been doing, and when I told Kimmie that I had started doing stand-up she was very encouraging, and told me that that seemed to be a perfect fit and she couldn't wait to see me live. Thus far in my lifetime, I can honestly say people like her are rare, and I'm lucky and honored for her friendship...I'll miss you Kimmie, have a good time on the other side. --Ron

Well, so much for the "brief" part of this post, all-in-all, 2010's been a great ride, and here's to 2011. All the best.

Holiday Ha-Ha! ONE WEEK!!!

2010-12-22T13:14:00.001-08:00

Just a cordial reminder that this year's Holiday Ha-Ha Comedy Show is happening one week from today!!! December 29, 7pm, Club Cafe, Pittsburgh, PA. The show will feature sketch, stand-up, out-of-town guests and perhaps even a musical number or two. I think I speak for all of the comics involved when I say that we are very excited about this show. Tickets are still available and they are $5 in advance, $7 at the door. Any questions feel free to contact me. I sincerely hope to see you all there! Last but certainly not least, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

The Ultimate Hell Gig

2010-12-09T21:37:00.001-08:00

It was an all-day festival, middle of summer in Pennsylvania about 20 minutes outside of Pittsburgh at a large fair ground. They never tried anything like this before, the entertainment was to be all comedy, beginning at 10:30am and ending at 6:00pm. The booker called all of us participating into a meeting the night before and she gave us our slots. I was given the 4:00 slot and was to do 30 minutes. There were two people after me. All of the comics on the show, including myself, were pretty much at the same level in terms of work we were getting and how far along we were on the ladder. To put it more bluntly and in comedian terms, no headliner/TV credits on this show. I usually don't let this kind of stuff get to me but one of the people after me happened to be a comic I didn't care for very much. Not only his act but as a human being I thought he needed kicked in the throat a couple of times. I was pissed he was after me as the boooker seemed to have given us our slots based on her perception of our skill.

The next day, I showed up at 10:00am as that was check-in time. The booker approached me, "Ron, I was kind of hoping you'd do the warm-up in addition to your slot, you need to be on at 10:30am, that cool?" I said sure. I figured I just had to introduce the event, thank people for coming, ummm, in a situation like this should one tell people to silence their cell phones? I figured I had a few minutes to decide. As I was about to go on stage the booker approached me again. "Ok, so go until about noon." "What?" "Go until about noon." "That's an hour-and-a-half, that's an awfully long time for a stand-up, it takes years and years for people to develop a full hour-and-a-half they can do all at once." "Well, you're not allowed to do any of your material, so that's fine." "What?" "Your 4:00pm slot is for your material, this 10:30am-noon slot is for crowd work only. You said you would do it, if you back out that's fine but I wouldn't bother contacting me for dates in 2011." I didn't want to lose a year's worth of dates from a booker I worked for regularly, so I sucked it up and went on stage. The stage was about 10 feet from the ground. The closest audience member was a solid 20 yards at least away from me. An hour-and-a-half of crowd work. I greeted the crowd, backs were turned, reverb from the microphone, somebody coughed. A couple children were playing in the fields a ways off. I was mostly ignored. I turned to the sound guy and asked if the booker was still around. "Nope, she left." I bailed. I didn't know what time it was, but I bailed. I told the people the comedy would start back up at noon and I'd be on at 4 and to stick around. A couple people clapped. I took the subway back into the city and went to my apartment. My girlfriend was just waking up and asked me why I was home. "It's going to be a long day, are you coming to the show?" "I wasn't planning on it." "Well, you won't be missing much, when it's over, I'm going to need a drink." "What's your slot?" "4." "I'm surprised you're not closing out of that bunch." "Whatever, we all get paid the same I think."

I returned to the grounds and nobody seemed to have cared that I bailed on my hour-and-a-half of crowd work. I saw the comic I didn't care for that was going on after me. "I'm pumped I'm closing this, it pays twice of what the rest of you guys are making, isn't that weird? I mean, I do the same amount of time, but I get paid twice as much, dude, maybe she'll let you close next year." What a dick. I try not to be petty when it comes to stuff like that and of course jealously gets one nowhere, but this guy's just a flat out chode. I agreed with him that it was odd and walked away. It wasn't worth it to retaliate, why stoop to his level? I waited around for a few hours, bought some candy, the crowd seldom paid attention to any of the comics. At one point a water-gun fight broke out. Later, a couple started making out near the stage and the dude went right up the girl's shirt in front of everybody. At about 3:45 I started to get closer to the stage. Just then I noticed my parents had arrived. "We saw this in the paper, saw you were on it, thought we'd get out of town for an afternoon, how's it going?" "Eh, to be honest, I'm not looking forward to this, sometimes it really feels like a job, this is one of those times." "When are you going on?" "4." Brief moment of silence.

Then my dad piped up, "wow, it's pathetic you're not closing this shit." "What?" "Seriously, that guy (comic I don't like) is a total hack, I'm pretty sure he stole his closer from CK, he sucks." "I agree." "Yet he's closing the show and you're not. Seriously, it's pathetic." "It's one booker's opinion." "It's pretty sad Ron, we need to get going actually, we're going to miss your set." "You just got here." "Yeah, I forgot we have stuff to do." Unbelievable. So what if one booker thinks I shouldn't be closing the show? I can't let this crap get to me, especially not now. As I'm trapped in thought I get a tap on the shoulder, it's the MC, "hey man, I need your intro." I looked towards the stage and the comedian on stage was humping the stole with three people watching and laughing and applauding and the rest of the audience still had their backs turned.

I woke up. I was thirsty. Yup, friends, it was a dream. There is no subway in or around Pittsburgh, that's the kicker. Not to mention I don't think either of my parents are familiar with the term "closing" in terms of it being used as comedy-lingo near synonymous but not quite with "headlining." Although, to all my comedy friends out there, I'm a bit disturbed at how possible that dream could actually be. Oh, and neither the comic I didn't like nor the booker were actual people, all sole residents of my subconscious, though I guess if they were people I probably wouldn't divulge their identity anyway. If you need me I'll be at the park doing 90 minutes of crowd work.

On the Holiday Billboards

2010-11-30T21:56:00.001-08:00

In New Jersey the American Atheists posted a billboard in regards to the holidays that had the words "You KNOW it's a myth" with a nativity scene underneath. David Silverman, president of the group has received some coverage on the issue and I wanted to find the most entertaining interview of them all so I looked no further than Faux News. See said interview here:

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/opinions/view/opinion/Atheist-Billboard-on-Nativity-Scene-You-Know-Its-a-Myth-5979

Puppet-talker Megyn Kelly wanted to know why the billboard had to be so confrontational, which she exemplified by beginning her interview with, "way to ruin Christmas, Dave." Passive.

Honestly, I think the billboard is a bit on the obnoxious side, you know what else I found obnoxious? The hotel desk clerk in West Virginia last year that when I wished her Happy Holidays glared back at me and threateningly wished me a "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Same with the Catholic League that put up an opposing billboard and then insisted on wishing David Silverman a Merry Christmas.

Now, I find myself in a nice position here as I have friends and family that range from Priests to devout Atheists and everything in between. I don't think any more or less of any of them because of their beliefs one way or another because I know their character and that's what matters to me. That being said I get to play spectator and enjoy Church-members getting upset about something they shouldn't give a shit about, and an Atheist organization that should probably find a better way to spend their budget. Although, I guess they can't take the money with 'em. And I really enjoy some of the Christians that refer to evolution as a "fairy tale." I want something credible, give me a talking snake damn it!

Lastly, let's not make this about the children, shall we? "I don't want my children seeing this sign calling it a myth, blah, blah, blah," kids see billboards for booze and strip-clubs and casinos all the time, it's life. Seeing a billboard from someone with an opposing view-point shouldn't be feared, hell, it should be embraced. Learning that not everybody is like you is a valuable lesson to learn, or parents, spin it to your advantage. David Silverman is really Santa's elf and he's testing all the boys and girls who don't believe in Jesus. If you close your eyes and say "I do believe" every time you pass that billboard you're going to get that over-priced crappy toy you won't give two shits about next year. You're welcome Christian parents.

Morons have all kinds of different religious beliefs, even non-existent ones. There's morons on the left, morons on the right, and plenty o' morons in the center. This moron would like to wish all of you a Happy Holiday Season.

10 KFC Tweets for the Prize

2010-11-18T19:31:00.001-08:00

First we had those artery-clogging food bowls, then we had two pieces of fried chicken substituting a bun, it seemed there were no more possible ways for Kentucky Fried Chicken to declare to the world:

“Humanity, we think you’re going down the toilet, and we may as well capitalize on it!”

But now, KFC is offering a $20,000 scholarship for the student with the best “tweet.” That’s right, scholarships in the past have been awarded on various merits such as stellar grades for four years, an essay possessing an advanced understanding on a certain topic, music or athletic ability honed from years of hard work and effort, or in some cases being left-handed and wanting to study accounting, but with KFC, all it takes is a sentence.

One sentence and likely procrastination on a social network. If that doesn’t encourage scholarly excellence, I don’t know what does. Still, while I’m not sure if graduate students qualify or not, I could use an extra 20K. Here’s 10 tweets in an attempt to chase the prize:

I ate your macaroni and cheese once, had the squirts for a week but still passed a final #KFCscholar

I wore a Colonel Sanders tie to prom #KFCscholar

What you call creativity I call playing with your food #KFCscholar

Even as a little kid I knew which state you guys started in #KFCscholar

Because I happen to collect undernourished chickens that can be yours if…#KFCscholar

Because I can taste the difference between you guys and a Hungry Man #KFCscholar

Because the combination-Pizza-Hut-Taco-Bell song is always first on my iPod playlist #KFCscholar

Because I always remembered to pick up something for the dog, pay it forward! #KFCscholar

Because I can write more than 140 characters #KFCscholar

Because my dietary choices are well-informed enough to never eat your product #KFCscholar

Report on the Rally for Sanity

2010-10-31T10:01:00.001-07:00

The last 48, or wait, has it been 72 hours? Since Thursday night at around 10:30...it's Sunday now...and I need to find a place to go later so I don't have to give children any candy. Ok, now that I've established time and place, I had a great time during the Rally for Sanity weekend, I say weekend because there were events the night before, I was lucky enough to be a part of one of them, but, I'll start chronologically.

Thursday night, I came home around 10:30ish to discover that my cat Lucy had been acting odd all day, she used the bathroom in the tub which is very unlike her, and her urine was discolored. My girlfriend said it was likely a UTI. Agreeing that this shouldn't wait until after the weekend we took her to a 24-hour Pet Hospital in Castle Shannon. The Vet was able to see her relatively quickly and we collected a urine sample for him to make diagnosis easier. We explained our situation that we were heading out of town to DC and would be back Sunday. She did in fact have a UTI, the Vet gave her a shot and a pill that we had to give her orally. He told us to give one to her on Friday, then resume the dosage on Sunday when we got back. He wasn't too thrilled that we'd be skipping a day which made me a bit nervous. So anyway, Lucy was pretty traumatized as she is not one for vets, she hissed and screamed like a banshee the entire time and was pretty ticked in the car too. When we got home she was tired and aloof likely due to the shot and all the action she had been through. I've concluded that Lucy is not a huge fan of authority, she's a loving cat in any situation except Vets and she wasn't a huge fan of airplane security either. I always thought if she was human she'd be an Audrey Lorde type.

Anyway, we got home late Thursday night and decided to pack in the morning and were exhausted blah blah blah.

The next evening I performed at the DC Arts Center for a pre-rally Political Comedy show/party. I had the most fun I've had at a show in awhile. There was a great line-up including Lizz Winstead (Co-Creator of the Daily Show), John Marshall (Writer for Chris Rock and more), Jeff Kreisler (MSNBC, Bill Hicks' Spirit Award) and a bunch of others that were radio personalities, comedians, and even some pundit professors. It was inspiring and humbling to share the stage with so many diversely talented and accomplished people that all came together for a pre-rally show! Crowd was great too, the show went over 2 hours and the energy seldom if ever withered.

Between post-show chatting and traffic I didn't get back to the place I was staying until around 3am, fueled by post-show enthusiasm it took me a bit to get to sleep and a few hours later it was time to get ready for the Rally. I brushed my teeth, splashed some water on me (GROSS!) and headed out with the group. We had VIP passes which meant we could get closer to the front and didn't have to be amassed in quite as many people.

The Rally was packed, with many different groups represented including Marijuana Law Reform activists, Media Matters, Free Press, and people that were just plain fed up with the insanity. I won't get too far into describing the event because I'm sure the blogosphere is already flooded with reports and I'm sure Faux News already reported accurate accounts of the turnout (there were 20 people there).

I'll point out two things, one not-so-good, and one good.

First, one of the guest performers, described by Stewart as a brilliant song-writer, brilliant performer, he's here to premier a new song, I had to convince him to come here... (Holy shit, this is it, the Boss, right?)

...(Maybe Willie Nelson?)

...Ladies and Gentlemen...(this is gonna be good!)

...please welcome, KID ROCK!

...? What?!?!

If you were watching the event on TV and heard what sounded like a thud at that very moment it was the adrenaline of thousands of enthusiastic rally attendees falling through the floor that were expecting a new political song from Bruce and instead got Kid Rock. I'm not even pushing my own taste here, because I was far from alone in this sentiment. Kid Rock got a less-than-enthusiastic response as I personally had to struggle to hear the applause after his song, and what I could make out sounded little more than a courtesy clap from a few that probably felt guilty, considering how many people were there that's not too impressive. The seven-year-old girl they brought up doubled the response he got, I'm pretty sure a stranger could've went up on stage and farted on a snare drum and would've gotten about the same response as Kid Rock. In fairness, when people are expecting Bruce Springsteen that's tough too live up to, still, we got Kid Rock. We were hoping for Filet Mignon, and we didn't even get a Big Mac, we didn't even get a sloppy joe, we got, like, dog food.

Anyway, that was the only disappointment, the other part I'd like to highlight was the very end.

I've often felt, and I could be totally wrong, but one of the reasons Jon Stewart is where he's at, and I'm sure there are many, is because of his ability to break that fourth wall and go from comedian/pundit to citizen, when appropriate. I've felt that way even before I did comedy, and now that I do comedy I find it that much more impressive. In the end Stewart crossed that line to an extent I've never seen since Crossfire in 2004. He even acknowledged it at the beginning, quipping that he knows there's only so far a comedian can go and he'd probably hear about it tomorrow. Like any rally, he summed up the intention of the event, the call to pursue sanity, I personally really enjoyed the simile of the media being like a magnifying glass, it can highlight our problems so we can solve them, or it can burn ants.

Anyway, that's my two cents I feel is worth sharing, again I could've given a play-by-play, but I'm sure there's plenty of that on the web already and better accounts than I would've been able to give anyway. After the rally we were exhausted and decided to head back to Pittsburgh early. Lucy didn't miss a day of medication that way. Right now, she's pretty much back to herself, though she's not a big fan of the pills, beats a shot I'm sure. I've got Misfits to listen to, then I've got work to do, then I've got to get depressed about the fact that I used to celebrate Halloween for a month and I haven't even dressed up in three years, then I've got football to watch. Happy Halloween.

Open Letter that Should be Sent

2010-10-14T20:06:00.001-07:00

Dear Facebook, Thank you for giving me something to blame procrastination on.

Dear Procrastination, I blame Facebook.

Dear Christine O'Donnell, Wow. Here's to at least a month or so of lazy punchlines, surely I'll find myself among the guilty party.

Dear Jethro Tull, Please tour with Spirit of the West, that would be super amazing.

Dear Tea Party, Legit grassroots movements aren't funded by billionaires, just sayin'.

Dear Morrissey, Not cool dude.

Dear ICP, I'm no theologian, but I can't find "we've got great shirts for bitches" in the bible anywhere.

Dear "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Go away. Please.

Dear Joe Biden, Do something.

Dear Marcellus Shale, Thanks alot, now all of the rural land in Pennsylvania can be the same quality as the roads.

Dear Person who's not sure if that last one was pro or con, Drive in Pennsylvania sometime.

Last but certainly not least,

Dear BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA, SEE YOU SATURDAY, 10/16!!!

Show 9/25 Postponed (other news guaranteed lousy too)

2010-09-25T15:18:00.001-07:00

I just got off the phone w/ Hamell's management and the venue. Sadly, Ed took sick during the drive out here, and the show has been postponed.

For all of you who purchased actual tickets from me, of course I'll get you your money back, however when the show gets rescheduled those tickets would be honored, so you've the option of hanging on to them.

Obviously this is a pretty big bummer. First and foremost we all hope Ed's OK. He's one of the most dedicated performers I know, so he certainly would never cancel unless he was truly too sick to play. Hopefully it's nothing serious. To all my friends that were going to come out, I'm very disappointed to have such lousy news, I even tried to see if just having a comedy showcase was an option but due to refund policy and so forth the venue needed to postpone the event.

I do appreciate Ed's people and the venue for their timely communication and understanding. I know this may, in some ways, seem a bit much over a canceled gig but shows like this are among my favorite to play, and as this fall has not been an easy one, it's safe to say I'm fairly disappointed. I'm not going to use this forum as an opportunity to vent about the state of things because that's not my goal with this (or any) blog. But, geesh, I'm hoping for a slight turn of the tide soon.

Next post will be topical and (potentially) entertaining, complete with the cynicism and misanthropy that keeps me on stage. Promise.

--Ron

Welcome Back NFL Sunday

2010-09-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Another premier NFL Sunday and yet again I found myself willing to deal with the TV-radio delay than listen to the vomit-inducing verbal-abortion sports announcing on Fox. It gets increasingly more painful every year. I hate to come off as such a shallow critic here, but...I just can't be kind about this...I've tried...I can't even be constructive at this point, it's just awful, completely awful. I've considered delivering my own alternative...somehow figuring out a way to podcast live during Steelers' games and provide live commentating with a couple others. Based on my interpretation of the law that would actually be legal too. Alas, I don't want to be on that side of the coin, I'm no sports expert, I'm sure there are plenty out there far more qualified, they need to find their way to Fox.

The Quaran burning didn't happen. Rev. Terry Jones changed his mind and it was because a) he realized it was barbaric, insensitive and hateful b) The Al Queda issue or c) He had bad indigestion as the night before was burrito night.

If you guessed a) you're too optimistic for your own good. Brace yourself for a lifetime of disappointment.

If you guessed b) me thinks you're correct.

If you guessed c) you and Terry must be golf-buddies.

Taylor Swift wrote a song based on her emotions from the incident where Kayne West interrupted her VMA acceptance speech...after all if there's anything the music industry wants it's a song people can relate to about an issue that's important. It's a VMA for crying outloud, take a lesson from Kurt Cobain, he kept his VMAs in his bathrooms on top of the toilets.

Glenn Beck and Numbers

2010-08-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

Edit
Glenn Beck and Numbers
by Ron Placone on Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at 12:38am

As we all surely know the Glenn Beck rally tragically occurred this past weekend. The media have reported numbers ranging from 87-to-500 thousand in attendance. Know what that means? As a nation, we no longer agree on numbers.

That’s right, numbers are subjective now. There are 5 people in attendance. Really? Are there 5? What is the event? Is it a Tea-Party rally, or a rally for Universal Health Care? Is Faux News reporting? There might be 5, or there might be 25, or there might be negative-up-teenth-forty-one-ty. You might be thinking, “gee Ron, that last one even a number.” Hell no it isn’t. Haven’t you been reading up until now? We don’t use those anymore.

Turns out if we want honest journalism anymore we need to add an arithmetic section for all journalism-related college majors. Perhaps Glenn’s university has Journalistic Arithmetic. When in doubt, always take the, dare I say, “conservative” approach...Old Glenn estimated there were “over 1,000 people in attendance.” Play it safe, play it cool, play it obvious. Glenn went on to say that “some people may not like me very much.”

On the other side, I’ve got some shows coming up as Fall is approaching. Eastern-PA, WV, Pittsburgh all on the list with some more in the works. Keep-a-checkin’ keep-a-livin.’

Louie and Buses

2010-08-13T12:57:00.001-07:00

The obscurity of Megabus is over. Friends that travel, take note. Don't get me wrong, it's a great way to travel, but word is out. My bus, Pittsburgh to New York City, was packed, and not just with youngsters with some time to kill but with families, older people, students and everything in between. But, with AC and free-wifi this is no complaint, yet the days of Megabus being a best kept secret are, for better or worse, over. Personally, I've been on the west coast until recently, so I myself am a late bloomer. Of course, on the way back from NYC the stinkiest dude imaginable sat next to me. I've had worse, because I've ridden Greyhound an unhealthy-amount-for-any-lifetime amount of times, but this guy smelled like hell. I put the A/C on full blast just to try to air him out. No luck. My sleep was interrupted by the occasional bump in the road followed by an unpleasant aroma invading my nostrils uninvited. To my very pleasant surprise the guy got off at State College. Good. Maybe he'll take a class on hygene.

NYC was great. Got to catch a sneak peak of my buddy Jeff Kreisler's one-man show based off his book, "Get Rich Cheating." The irony of the situation was that Jeff's book/show is a satire on the powers that be, corporations, politicians, etc. in the guise of a how-to manual, and this sneak-peak took place at the Border's Books located on the one and only Wall-Street. That's right, enemy's layer folks. I asked Jeff it that was his idea and he told me that it was, in fact, the stores'. Goldman Sachs surprisingly didn't make an office outing out of the event.

Outside of that I did a few sets, met some new people and even ran into an old friend or two, shows went fairly well. I walked through Little Italy completely alone and got depressed that I was by myself and wasn't on vacation. I did, however, splurge on a cannoli.

Just as Megabus is no longer a secret another outed secret is the fact that Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert is a babbling moron. See video.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/13/anderson-cooper-grills-lo_n_681421.html

This guy is spreading his "terror baby" theory without any evidence whatsoever and then lashing out like a rambling fool not even fit for an Alex Jones' fanatic whenever someone questions him on it. And when I say fanatic I mean fanatic, the kind that don't question anything and don't shower ever...and then sit beside me on Megabus.

It Could be a 'Dud'ley

2010-07-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

I wish I would be paid a dollar for every instance where the media points out the fact that Tactless Tony's replacement happens to be American...as if that's significant.

I mean gee, the American corporate brand has served us so well the past few years, just look at Wall Street, Goldman Sachs, HALLIBURTON! If that leadership stamp doesn't scream ethics and security, I don't know what does.

I find BP's ploy to make this epic disaster an issue of nationalistic pride shallow and elementary at best, however they'll likely be successful.

I mean hell, he can RELATE more right? He lives here, he's a good toutin' 'Merican! Sadly, assumption says the world looks the same on the deck of a private yacht or through a multi-million dollar home where all your needs are met ten-fold. You want someone that can relate and feel the effect of all that's going on? Try hiring one of the shrimp captains that have been out of work and still are.

Let's get Captain Bubba-Gump in charge of the realms: "OK, you know all those resources we have? We're going to divert all of our energy into CREATING A CAR THAT RUNS ON AIR!! We're going to break this declining method of obtaining energy so that way I can go back to doing what I do best which is bringing YOU delicious SEAFOOD! Anyone have a problem? Here's an oil pipe, put that in the ground and the other end up your ass and let me know how it goes." I want to see what that guy can bring to the table.

Now some of you may think I'm being nit-picky here and that's fine...but I encourage you to check out this article http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/07/29/ceo.first.jobs.success/index.html?hpt=C2

See that? Those ol' CEOs were just hard-working chaps like the rest of us, and good ol' Dudley, he's the same way. Does he have any plans to finally fix this mess? Is he working around the clock to solve this crisis once and for all? Who cares! He was born on the same pile of rock and soil as the rest of us.

Instilling nationalism at a time of crisis has quite the success record when it comes to bending the populace to your whim...just ask some guy named George how it worked for him when he wanted to spy on his own citizens, or a guy named Glenn how it helps with his ratings, I'm pretty sure it worked wonders for some dude in Germany named Adolf.

Take a Bow, Fall

2010-07-18T11:33:00.001-07:00

"People spend alot of time worrying about how something can't work instead of how it can."

It's actually inaccurate of me to put that in quotes, because I'm paraphrasing somebody else. Not just somebody else, but I can't remember whom. Not only can I not remember which person but they may have gotten it from somebody else, or a book, and I don't know the reference. Yet, I'm leaving it. I want this blog post tragically flawed with no option but to shrug, much like our civilization.

On that, I recently made a life decision and will be starting a Master's program at Duquesne University in several weeks. No, I'm not quitting comedy, and I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, comic to make the two co-exist. Again, focusing on the can here.

BP will remain a corporate villain in the eyes of the populace until of course the newest line of affordable mid-sized automobiles is released. This will conveniently coincide with the mid-term elections where the Democrats will yet again prove their only consistent ability is the ability to shoot themselves in the foot. On the bright side, the irony will still be thick enough to cut with a knife.

I personally enjoy the dissection of BP's practices, just to clarify, I'm not defending them by any means, but are we delusional enough to think that they're the only oil company out there to enforce shoddy safety procedures in exchange for padding their own pockets? It wasn't too long ago the Daily Show uncovered that in fact their safety tactics are parallel with other major oil companies.

Other criticisms have included the lack of diversity in the upper management.

Are all of the above reasonable criticisms? Absolutely. Does it piss me off? Yes. Is it surprising? Of course not. Major oil companies rake in billions while trying to squash any opportunity to advance more environmentally sound forms of energy, they cut corners without any regard for their employees or humanity in general, and we really expect to walk into their offices and see a group of people holding hands singing "We Are the World?"

Let's save the delusions can we? In the past few weeks I've come across people that support the war, supported bush, yet they're huge activists now because they avoid buying their gas from BP, you know, that locally owned franchise where it doesn't affect the people responsible for this mess one bit whether you shop there or not.

"Holy shit, sales are down in Millvale? Forget about wanting my life back, repair the well permanently immediately, bring the troops home, let's invest in electric cars"--Tony Hayward, September 2010, just months after ill-informed morons drove an extra 10-feet to the Exxon Mobil.

If you're so committed to said cause don't simply boycott BP, get a bike. If you go said route make sure you don't follow any traffic rules whatsoever and then complain about how people don't share the road, you'll fit in quicker.

An Open Letter to Tony Hayward (BP CEO)

2010-06-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Tony,

Boy, what a minor inconvenience this turned out to be. Looks like it's more of quite the disaster, and frankly I don't think a complimentary candy bar to all Louisiana residents is going to cut it.

During your 7 1/2 hour probing you graced us with many eloquent and informative answers including but certainly not limited to:

"I can not say."

"[I'm] not prepared to draw conclusions about this accident until the investigation is complete."

and last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:

"I was not involved with that decision."

That last gem is in reference to the criticism of BP's choice of casing. I'm sure at your level passing the buck is something you could do in your sleep, hell, something had to get you where you are. It's tempting, I'm sure it is, I'm sure everyone would go that route if it wasn't for...what's the word I'm looking for...sometimes causes one not to sleep...oh yeah, values!

Anyway, I'm not here solely to criticize your line of work or the work-culture you adhere to, that's a book I hope to write later in my lifetime. Rather, I'm here to present you with an exercise, a true test of self-will, maybe something that could move things along.

I heard on NPR (they talk about you too quite a bit, you're getting a new fan club I swear) that one in every eight British men would give up sex for the tournament's length if it meant that England won the World Cup. Tell your wife you have an idea. No shaggin' tell this thing's fixed. The only hole you'll be pluggin' will be in the Gulf. You two can even make a little rhyme out of it. "If the water's still black Tony gets none in the sack." You want your life back? Well, the "small people," as you like to refer to them as, want their lives back too.

You seem to be unresponsive to government pressure, and I'm sure the metaphorical Obama ass-whopping is all but laughable considering the fat check you cats wrote during the election.

So maybe some good ol' fashioned sex-less pavement-pounding work is what you need. Come on, Tony, feel like one of the small folks for once. In fact, on behalf of myself and anyone else on this planet that has to spend day after day at a job where they bust their ass to put food on the table: Get to work. Don't even bother getting in front of the camera, don't issue anymore apology videos, just get to work. And open your checkbook Tony, because it's time to pay...maybe you should be part of some of those casing decisions next time.

I'm an artist Tony, we'll always and forever be very different you and I. Amen.

--Ron Placone

A Road First...

2010-06-07T20:53:00.001-07:00

This past weekend marked the first time in my nifty little career that I did a run and every stop on the run had a skyline. In fact, most of the time NONE of the stops have a skyline, let alone all of them. SOME of them have even stumped Google maps before...what is the zip of this place?...I'm checking wikipedia...how many of these people carry guns everywhere?...Wait, how many KKK members live near this town?...Can I get anything other than Rush Limbaugh on the radio here?...These are all questions I've asked myself at various times, you get the idea.

Alas, this weekend Thursday night was Pittsburgh, Friday Columbus and Saturday Cleveland. I was opening for Hamell On Trial. If you haven't heard of Hamell yet, Google him. There's a documentary about his life and career coming out soon.

Anyway, the Pittsburgh show was a great time. Though, it started out a bit rocky, while trying to park Ed (Hamell) got a flat, right in front of Club Cafe. Pete, the sound guy from Club Cafe, came out and gave Ed a hand with getting the flat off. Me, being the handy man that I am, decided to be useful the only way I was able to be...I watched Ed's gear. It didn't walk away. A couple people that were there for the show lent a hand as well, which was cool, a few drunk people from down the street offered some unsolicited advice too, that was not-so-cool, but they meant well. Turned out the bolts were on pretty solid. I called Triple A. I explained the situation to them and they said they'd be there in about 45 minutes and I'd get a 5-minute warning call. I told them that 5-minute warning call wouldn't help me much if I was on stage. I decided it'd be easiest if I called Triple A after my set and by the time Ed was done the tire would be fixed. I always enjoy watching Ed play but I had two more dates with him so I knew I could always catch the next night.

So we put the doughnut in the trunk and I told Ed I'd call after my set and not too worry. We both headed up to the dressing rooms and I started to go over some of the newer things I wanted to try. Show was a good time, I called Triple A after my set, they came and were done before Ed was finished with his set. All's well that ends well.

The next night in Columbus was fun as well. Since I was the opener some of the crowd was still trickling in during my set, which made it a little difficult because at times some members of the audience would be on one page well others would be on another because they just arrived. Towards the end though, we were all together, and the room was solid, laughing and ready for Ed.

Cleveland was enjoyable though was by far the most difficult show for me. First and foremost, it was a matinee, day can always be tough. Second, it was by far the smallest crowd. Third, there was an opener before me, so at least half of the people there were expecting the person they came to see to grace the stage next and instead they got me. Regardless, I got through the set, did the time Hamell wanted me to do and seemed to be fairly well-received, I at least got the vibe nobody was turned off to it.

I wanted to try to check out the Springsteen exhibit at the Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame but that morning I overslept.

Pretzels, energy drinks, and SKYLINES this time!

Deciphering Office Titles

2010-05-26T18:22:00.001-07:00

I've worked in an office for longer than I'd ever planned to in my life. When I was 18-ish one of my biggest goals for adulthood was to never end up in a cubicle. Sadly, I failed at said goal. Guess I couldn't conquer never. While the above-mentioned is disappointing it has allowed me to view office life through my own direct lens. Here's a little translation to what positions actually entail:

Vice President of Operations--You've done the same thing for over 20 years. At this point, you've been around so long they had to up your salary and give you a brand new title.

Assistant Vice President of Operations--You have a family member very high up. So high up that the money in the budget that was going to go into extending benefits went towards creating an unnecessary position for you because you were never able to accomplish anything on your own. Everybody smiles at you while simultaneously wishing you would get run over by a bus.

Administrative Assistant--Gopher.

Personal Assistant to _______--You're a gopher and you're sleeping with your boss.

Officer--You have an entry level position, stay where you're at and don't ask questions and you could end up being a Vice President of Operations.

Specialist--You're an officer with a college degree.

Facilities Maintenance--Whenever it's Burrito Day in the cafeteria, you're due for a rough afternoon.

Quality Assurance--You're over-anal and generally don't work well with others, likely resulting from a lousy sex-life.

Upper Management--Once a year you need to address everybody else and tell them why nobody will be getting raises next year.

"We Value You As An Employee"--Big Brother's watching. Enjoy the Starbucks coupon.

Shows of Neatness

2010-05-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

Amici, I'm exhausted. Flat out, point blank, I'm freaky tired, freaky busy, all the time. I don't mean to lower the mood, but I'm too beat to come up with anything witty or creative so may as well just say what's on my mind. Fatigue people, fatigue.

Anyway, I've got some kind of neat things coming up.

Friday, May 14th, I'll be hosting my good buddy Anthony Rankin's CD release show. Anthony's been a very close friend of mine for 20 years, literally, which is weird to think about because that's a bench mark of sorts, 20 years. You always hear older people say, "yeah, 20 years ago in my day, things were better because I'm nostalgic, bias and mawkish and you are in the unfortunate position of being within ear shot yappity yap yap." So, it's weird I've had friends for that long, and I have a few of them. That I'm still in touch with that is, regularly, we've been friends for 20 years. Anthony's one of those people, and, well...this may be the worst plug for a show ever written by anyone in the history of live performance.

All joking aside for a second, Anthony is among the most talented musicians I know and is without a doubt the hardest working. He's been doing his thing since Jr. High and has recorded oodles of songs. His newest album is a culmination of his career thus far, bluntly speaking, it's a collection of great songs, material which in my humble opinion is his strongest to date. I highly recommend coming to this show, May 14th, 7:30pm at Fate Nightclub.

AND..

On June 3 Hamell on Trial is coming back to Pittsburgh. Club Cafe, 10pm. Yours truly will be opening again. For those that made it in March I hope to see you again, and for those that missed it, Celebrate! For your second chance is here! If you don't know who Hamell On Trial is google it, then do yourself a favor and come out on June 3. It's like Lou Reed meets Jello Biafra meets Jack Kerouac damn it come to the show. I've known this guy since I was 19, when I first met him I had blown off work, he had on a Bukowski t-shirt and I had on a Sonic Youth t-shirt that my girlfriend in a fit of evil made me get rid of last year. I don't know why I remember what the both of us were wearing, or how it's relevant, but, whatever. I think I remember because I personally have been looking for a Buk shirt for awhile but never seem to find the right fit on EBay.

Anyway, I've got other local and road stuff coming up on the weekends as well per usual, but those were the two things I wanted to highlight. I'm to bed, later than usual. Again.

Laura Bush memoir and Goldman Sachs

2010-04-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

Laura Bush has a memoir coming out. Topics include the potential poisoning her and gw were victim to in Germany and that her husband's main priority as president was preventing an attack...you can find this in the Fiction section of all major bookstores.

Laura Bush also mentions that a 1963 car crash in Texas that killed a schoolmate caused loss of faith, to bad that didn't have the same effect on her husband or we could've avoided all that abstinence only bs. The moral of the story: blame an invisible supreme being in the sky when you run a stop sign. The insurance company will buy it, promise.

The Federal Reserve issued their statement in regards to the current economy. Transcription below:

"Oops...our bad...party foul...f@!k it, let's go bowling!"

Goldman Executives issued a statement saying they have "No Regrets"...Ted Nugent is already working on the tribute song.

"We've got No Regrets!
We made some rockin' bets!
We've got money, we've got power,
O what a bummer, your deal went sour!"

(insert cow bell)

A Little Pittsburgh Riffin'

2010-04-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

Do you think if the Pope coached the Pittsburgh Steelers we never would've heard about the Roethlisberger thing but then he would've randomly been traded to another team and we'd all wonder why?

I'll be at Spring Carnival at Carnegie Mellon University this Friday, 5:30pm. There could be thunder-storms, and no I don't mean that in the cheesy faux-wrestling advertisement way, I mean literally, it may storm. I did a folk festival once in the Western Washington mountains where it stormed the entire weekend and people were staying in tents. I was the MC in between bands. I'd try to do a joke and I'd look at the band huddled on the stage, trying to keep their instruments dry because the stage was leaking, waiting for me to introduce them and get the hell of stage. I guess what I'm getting at is no matter what this shouldn't be a new experience per se, but could be interesting. At the end of the day, there's nothing stopping me from heading over to Panther Hollow with any and all friends in attendance. So come on down to Carnival rain or shine. Now that was cheesy faux-wrestling for ya.

I just got back from New York last night, had a long day, so tonight I nestled up to the Penguins' game. I've always been fascinated by the post-game locker room interviews after a tough loss. I'm no athlete but I kind of feel like a bad game is similar to a bad set from an emotional stand point. In fact I remember once last year during the Stanley Cup tournament I was hosting a weekend in Seattle. The first show was beyond awful. Small crowd, no energy, I was the host so I was up first. Tried everything I could to get them into it with no avail, boy did I shit the bed. Set the tone for the rest of the show, everybody bombed, even the headliner eventually just started rattling off his jokes like a laundry list. The next day the Penguins blew it against the Red Wings, big time. Fleury let go 5 goals and had to be pulled. I was watching the game with one of the comics from the show last night, "that's me dude, holy shit, I was Fleury last night, that's what that set felt like, please let tonight not be a train wreck." Go figure that night both shows were sold out and the crowds were great...and of course the Pens went on to win the Cup.

Anyway, post-game locker room, I don't know how those guys keep their composure all the time, if I had to have a post-set interview after a bad set, a really bad set, it wouldn't be pretty...

"Well Ron, really tough set tonight, crowd wasn't into you, guess that confederate flag in the corner of the venue could've been an indicator that this just wasn't going to be your night..."

"Stupid people are breeding, they're the only ones breeding, I'm not funny, there's nothing to hold on to, as a species we're done."

"...ok, actually the question was 'would you have changed your closer?'"

"Your mom's a closer."

The Following Should NOT be April Fools' Jokes

2010-04-01T12:23:00.001-07:00

Population:

1. Honey...I'm pregnant!

2. Babe, I know you want kids and I don't...As a healthy compromise I got us a dog and myself a vasectomy, surprise!

3. Ann Coulter just gave birth to twin girls.

In the office:

4. Go up to your boss eating a fiber bar and say "I know you wanted the stool sample first thing in the morning, I'm still working on it."

Etc.

5. Wal-Mart just bought out every non-commercial radio station in the US. When we say 'edgy' on the airwaves we mean Creed.

6. This is going to be the year for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

7. Turns out root beer cures the common cold.

8. Letting your cats lick your arm-pits is the equivalent of breast feeding for them due to the minerals and salts in your sweat...also like breast feeding said practice is nurturing, tickles a little and when done in public people tend to stare.

Inspiration Penetration

2010-03-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking around and I saw a guy on a bicycle, he had a giant hiker's backpack on, which I'm assuming contained all of his possessions, and he had a tiny boom-box across his handle bars...blaring the theme from Top Gun.

I stared upon this brilliant rider with the utmost envy (which may or may not say something about how content I am these days). Nonetheless, here's a dude that had the world by the balls. Peddling like a champ, going against the wind as if to say "what's next America? What else do you got? I bet half these people have office jobs that they hate that they don't have the gull to quit, I'm beating those minions damn it! People do crazy things for the illusion of safety...they'll forfeit civil liberties, stay at a job they hate, move to the suburbs of a city that's boring to begin with, join a cult, join a religion...and I don't even have a helmet on!"

There rode by a dude I wanted to have a beer with. That guy had shit figured out.

When Antisthenes got in trouble for jerking off in public he simply responded, "I only wish rubbing my belly would have the same effect in getting rid of hunger." I'm paraphrasing, but that's hysterical.

Dear Corporate-Media-Cherry-Picked American Populace, Why weren't you so concerned about costs when the last dude was sending us to war? That shit's expensive too ya know.

Dear Joe Biden, I'm glad you dropped the f-bomb, I wish that was the only bomb you or any other world leader would ever be allowed to drop.

Dear Ann Coulter, People have the right to protest, it happens. The First Amendment goes both ways. Instead of making your speech anyway, you went for the publicity stunt and tried to play the victim. I don't know what that's all a-boot, but you don't expect people to fall for that, eh?

Sometimes, you just gotta ride a bike with a boom-box and rub one out on the neighbor's driveway.

Jesus' Worst Fans

2010-02-28T07:45:00.001-08:00

I wrote this a little while ago and sent it out. Sadly, nobody picked it up. So, by default, it finds its home in the realm of "Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee."

Jesus’ Worst Fans

At times I wonder if Jesus Christ feels a little bit how I imagine Johnny Depp must feel. Do the two of them at times, maybe right before bed, sigh to themselves and exclaim: “Damn…over half of my fan-base completely misses the point?”

That’s what I imagine. I can’t imagine a beat-enthusiast out of Kentucky who wanted to pursue music and toured with Hunter Thompson under a guise relates to the 20-and-under crowd that house the Jack Sparrow poster next to the Jonas Brothers.

Likewise, I can’t imagine that Jesus…well, no explanation needed there.

To narrow it down to five is anything but an easy task…I’m sure I’m missing a few gems to say the very least. Nonetheless, out of those that have successfully sought out the public eye and pummel in their dribble on a regular basis, here is what I deem to be, based on my individual level of blood curdling, Jesus’ five worst fans.

5. Ann Coulter. Granted, Palin’s already stealing whatever thunder she has left. Palin’s got a family in the spotlight, is reasonably attractive, and her adam’s apple doesn’t have its own zipcode, old Ann just can’t compete. Though, her philosophy to ‘perfect’ the Jews, the John Edwards slandering and the fact that the whole Playboy thing was a hoax (the general populace doesn’t deserve to be frightened so) earns her a much coveted spot in the top 5.

4. Bill O’Reilly. Only in America can the angry bordering-on-hate-speech ramblings of a sociopath barely fit for a five star dive bar receive national broadcasting on the nation’s largest media mogul. Bill’s watering down of every issue, spoon-feeding information to his ideal audience (people that don’t think or ask questions), his obnoxious and narrowed nationalism, and of course the baiting and bias labeling of his guests, especially those without religious convictions (Richard Dawkins interview anyone?) gives him #4 with a bullet.

3. Tim Tebow. This one isn’t necessarily directed entirely at the individual. This is more for all the athletes, actors and actresses, musicians and whomever else that always insist on thanking Jesus or God for an award they receive or an athletic victory they accomplish. It’s a bit arrogant can’t we all agree? Bob Knight had it right: "God couldn't care less if we win or not. He is not going to parachute in through the roof of this building and score when we need points." Tim Tebow and co, take notes. Jesus doesn’t care, and if he did than he must prefer the Crimson tide over you, so sad.

2. Rick Santorum. Iraq does in fact still have those weapons of mass destruction, and if you’re a homosexual there’s nothing separating the love between you and your partner and bestiality. This is the world according to Rick Santorum, and yes, he’s breeding. Afraid? Me too.

1. Pat Robertson. How could it be anyone but? What’s happening in Haiti is a total and complete tragedy. A bigger tragedy, the fact that Pat Robertson was born with a tongue. Pat’s the king of televangelism who’s compared the Democratic congress with Nazi Germany, Feminism with witchcraft and family destruction, and has called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez…all in the time of…one of the most pacifist philosophers ever recorded in history. Ol’ Patty brings in millions through his gospel of hate and intolerance and is, as far as I’m concerned, Jesus’ worst fan. And on the eighth day the Lord said thou shalt create a propaganda hate-spouting media powerhouse and shall name it after the carnivorous members of the Canidae family, or if that’s taken go for the less original and more blatant Christian Broadcasting Network.

SHOW March 3, Club Cafe, PITTSBURGH...DELIVERY?

2010-02-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

It's not often that I'll put something out about specific shows but this one is something special...

March 3, 10pm, I'll be opening for Hamell On Trial at Club Cafe in Pittsburgh, PA.

Hamell's one of my favorite performers to watch. A couple years ago I opened for him in Bloomington, IN where he previewed material which would later become his award-winning One Man Show, "The Terrorism of Everyday Life."

From his website:

"Hamell on Trial is a one-man punk band and by punk we mean (mostly) loud, fast music informed by politics, passion, energy and intelligence, played by a guy with a sharp tongue and a wicked sense of humor. His ninth release, a double-disc set titled Rant & Roll, launches Hamell into new territory, capturing not only an award-winning, hour-long performance, but the Kerouac-esque story of social commentary through years on the road." http://www.hamellontrial.com

I'm very excited to be a part of this show and am really hoping for as much friendly support as possible. I've got advanced tickets for sale, they're only $8 AND here's the best part...

If you live in the Pittsburgh area and want tickets, contact me, and, as long as you're not too far out there, I'll deliver them to you. Yep, much like what the Penguins do except instead of a worldly, Stanley Cup-winning athlete hand-delivering season tickets for one of the most popular sports in the world, you'll get me. My eyes will likely be blood-shot from sleep deprivation, my clothes most likely won't match, BUT...I may have a sports jersey on. And I'll be delivering tickets to a one-night-only rock n roll show that if you're reading this I guarantee, you'll enjoy.

If you're in Pittsburgh and have been wanting to see me but haven't gotten around to it, this is as good an opportunity as any.

Shameless self-promo over.

Check...PLEASE?!?!

2010-01-31T10:52:00.001-08:00

This weekend was a pretty stellar one for shows. Friday I opened for my buddy Anthony Rankin at PD's Pub in Squirrel Hill. Had a great time and while music shows, at least in my experience, are usually not the easiest stages for comedy I had a great time on stage and got to watch some stellar music from an excellent band. Last night I did a show in White Oak, PA to a sold-out crowd that was there to laugh and enjoy a comedy show, which makes all the difference in the world. My 30 minutes up there felt like 10, I can't say that happens too often, was a nice way to end a month. I learned a few things too...calling Christopher Columbus an embarrassment to Italian-Americans in a room full of older Western PA Italian-Americans proved a bit too risky, fortunately was able to get the room back with the relationship material. So it goes, if I didn't want to take a risk or two and put something challenging out there than I wouldn't be doing comedy, I would've went into juggling.

That was the good news, now for the not-as-good news. First, I will very much miss Franz from the Hold Steady. The Hold Steady has been one of my favorite bands to see live the past couple years. Franz, for those of you that don't know, was the keyboardist. He recently parted ways with the band. Back in Indiana I interviewed Franz for submission to one of the local media outlets, to be honest I can't remember which, it may have been for the radio, I honestly can't recall. Anyway, as soon as I got him on the phone my reception was terrible and it wasn't picking up on the audio equipment at all. I couldn't decipher anything he was saying. I was too embarrassed to tell him that I jacked up the equipment so I just cut it short after about four questions.

"Wow, that was short."

"Yeah, it's a 30-second segment short thing we've been working on." Total bullshit. Anyway, my interview with Franz didn't work out. But, it did give my girlfriend and I two free tickets to their show in Indianapolis that night.

Friday night before the show at PD's I did something I've never done before and hope to never have to do again in my life, I didn't tip a waiter. Gave him nada. This dude was the worst waiter I've ever had in my life, ever. First, dude forgot our ticket, completely botched it. Which, no biggie, mistakes happen, the show wasn't until 10. He never re-filled our water, never checked on us, at one point I saw him walk by and look at us, he had an "oh, shit" look on his face and then he looked down at his tickets. He never turned us in.

Finally after 30 minutes we asked about our food. "I'll go check on it." 10 minutes later dude shows up, checked on another table and then turned to us, "o, I checked on your food, there was some conflict in the kitchen, they'll take half-off your meals, sorry about that." And then he gave a whatever wave. This dude was totally checked out. You don't give a customer a whatever wave, he was down to 10 percent at this point. Especially since he lied. Conflict in the kitchen? Really? My girlfriend ordered a salad.

We continued to wait, I told my girlfriend if our food didn't come by 20 after we were walking out. It came at 18 after. The waiter said he'd get me some ketchup, I told him please. I also told him I had somewhere to be so could we get the check now. 10 minutes later he dropped off the check. Never apologized, never asked us how it was, nothing. I never got my ketchup either. I had to go to the hostess and ask for ketchup. O, I almost forgot, at one point said waiter dropped a plate of food all over the floor, never apologized to anyone, goes without saying at this point. To top it off, he didn't CLEAN IT UP. One of the other waitresses cleaned it up for him 5 minutes later. Let me point out too this establishment was not very crowded.

Now, if you're going to be a piece of shit to customers, that's your choice, you can deal with the consequences of getting a low gratuity, but if you hang your co-workers out to dry too, then you don't deserve a penny as far as I'm concerned. In case you're wondering, the food was mediocre at best.

When I got my tab I wrote a big fat ZERO on the tip. Then, I wrote an explanation on the back of the receipt.

"You did this to yourself. Just so you know I'm a multi-millionaire. I've invested well and I've cashed in. Whenever I go out to eat I hand out $100-bills just because I get a kick out of making a stranger's day. In fact, I'm so well off that I'm able to dedicate the rest of my life to my childhood dream of being a stand-up comedian, check out my website. Come out to a show sometime, I may talk about you and how shitty you are at your craft."

I don't want to say the name of said establishment, but if you ever find yourself in the Regent Square neighborhood of Pittsburgh I recommend eating anywhere that isn't Dunning's Bar and Grill.

Sam I am

2010-01-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

When I'm in an elevator I wouldn't normally frequent I always tell any stranger I may be riding with that I'll see them tomorrow.

I was desperate for work. We all were. This was back in '07. The economy was fine, being in a small college town with no industry was the issue. My roommates and I used the same resources and eventually we realized we were all applying for the same jobs...which helped in the end because we could tip each other on which ones were the pyramid schemes.

The ad said "Get Paid to Wave." I could wave. Hell, I had just gotten a degree a month earlier, this should be cake. At the interview guy told me he was also looking for someone with a background in marketing. Marketing. I took a class on that in college. The professor had a thick East Coast accent so I just remember him saying MAHketing all the time. I also remember a girl I was seeing at the time was taking the class and found it necessary to study way more often than I did. During our study sessions I'd read for about 20 minutes or so then I'd get bored and would try to get her attention by doing the hamburger. (If you're confused, Google it, and then do the hamburger at the next party you attend, it's the new craze.) Then I'd fart. Things with us never worked out. Though, to date many of my exes have been to every single comedy show...I've bombed at...in spirit.

Anyway, marketing, I could do that. I told him so. And for that season I wrote radio commercials, press releases, newspaper ads, and then I'd go out on the streets in costume and hand out coupons, talk to the public, whatever was necessary. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Speaking of radio, the job worked around my shift at the community radio station which was a 1-3pm on Friday afternoon, prime afternoon music mix. Our ad-pool was top notch too.

Ode to simpler times.

End of the Year

2009-12-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

I spent these last days of 2009 rearranging, transferring, signing, filing, running, pondering...moving! Today I got a new driver's license and registered to vote in the state of Pennsylvania...again. Eventually, I even made dinner plans to say good-bye to a year I'm beyond happy to say good-bye to. It seems like only a week ago I was greeting 2009 with a bit of optimism. While it had its high points this year shriveled like a cat-turd in baking soda.

Awhile back I had a friend that was considering working abroad. Something I've always considered. He told me while he decided against it...he wanted to get on the ball to start a family. Dude was and still is single. "You're basing your life plans on someone you haven't even met yet." "Well, yeah, I guess, sort of."

Would make for some weird arguments down the road wouldn't it? "Damn it honey, you ruined my dreams of backpacking Europe for two years with that inheritance money I received, at least give me this blow-job!!"

"When were you trying to backpack Europe?"

"Three years before we met!"

I think instead of these tacky-shallow promise and chastity rings you see these future-psychiatric-file cretins wearing there should be a different type of ring and a different type of promise: The Live Your Life Promise.

"Future soul-mate, if you're out there I want you to pursue the things you want to pursue and let the ride take you where it will. Don't try to force anything or assume the path you want to take is wrong just because some of your peers may have never learned to think for themselves. Don't worry about me because you can guarantee I'm living the best I can and I'll see you when our paths cross. In the meantime I suggest you do the same because otherwise you'll just be a walking basket case of regret and shopping coupons and quite frankly that's nothing I feel like waking up to ever."

See you in 2010.

Tiger Woods and Kurt Cobain

2009-12-10T19:48:00.000-08:00

I never liked Tiger Woods. Never. It's those class-act-pretty-boys we always have to look out for. They're the devils in the blue dresses ten times out of ten. I remember the first time he won the title. He was crying, his parents were there, it was historical. He was a class act, a role-model, just a swell guy. Every kid got a set of golf clubs for Christmas that year, myself included. I always sucked at the damn game.

I remember in the 4th grade or something similar, maybe it was 5th or 6th I can't be sure, we were allowed to write a book report on any book we wanted. Usually, there were restrictions, but, this time in particular we were given free reign...Any book we wanted, as long as it had chapters.

Naturally, I wanted to pick a book I already read, and not just any book I've read, but the one I've read the most. Which, at the time, was "Come As You Are: The Story of Nirvana" by Michael Azerrad. I still consider that one of the best rock biographies I've ever read. I met Michael Azerrad about two years ago in Seattle at the About A Son screening. Talked to him for a bit, told him I really dug his books and considered him one of the top music journalists out there these days.

Anyway, turns out the teacher was embellishing on our liberties a bit, because I wasn't permitted to do my report on Nirvana. I never cared for said teacher, she didn't last long. I asked her why, she told me that a biography wasn't appropriate.

"But it has chapters."

"It doesn't matter."

Later I found out that she was letting another student in the class do their report on a BIOGRAPHY on Tiger Woods. Being the tempered little guy that I was I confronted her again.

"Why are you letting (forget) do his report on Tiger Woods? That's a biography."

"Tiger Woods is a class guy, Kurt Cobain was a drug addict that shot himself."

All the while I'd have to see every kid and adult I know form some mawkish obsession with Tiger Woods for the next year or so until his fifteen minutes became a little more subdued...

Well, well, o, how times have changed. Class act? Role model? Don't get me wrong, dude got a piece of Joslyn James, all power. But, I'll just settle for her movies. The sponsors are crumbling, his image forever tarnished, and yet the Bleach re-issue is selling quite well. Which, by the way, the live tracks are great. Wish I could see my old teacher sometime, like the time in 2006 when I ran into my ultra-conservative republican accounting professor the day after the democrats won.

Smells like Teen Spirit? No. Smells like Karma.

The Art of Being in Public...

2009-11-24T23:51:00.000-08:00

...Is one I've never mastered. In fact, I realize that I shouldn't be in public at all unless I've had at least two cups of coffee. Anything less and I'm not equipped. I'm like a football player taking the field without pads, a musician going on stage without an instrument, or somebody that supports Sarah Palin without understanding any of her politics...err...somebody that supports Sarah Palin.

Today I went out after cup one, pummeled my way through the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner later. There was one cashier, dude in front of me was giving her a sales pitch on how he could save her money on the candy that they sell. Apparently he worked for some candy wholesaler or something. "Who do you get your candy from? Gee, we can save you 75 cents per unit!" This went on for a good five minutes, I found out the cashier lived in Ballard with her husband and really loves the neighborhood, they might move to the suburbs soon because they want to start a family, and on and on and on and I'm clearly waiting and honestly don't you realize this is your job and how the hell did some guy decide he wanted to spend the rest of his waking days with you given you can't even manage a TWO PERSON LINE!

Eventually, she noticed my rolling eyes and rung me up. "Do you want a bag?" "Yes." She looked at me strangely. "What? One word, that's all I've got for you, I don't have anything to sell you, I don't distribute candy, if I did I'd be bored." We weren't connecting. If she ever saw me do comedy she probably wouldn't dig it, if we ever met at a bar we wouldn't talk long, and if she was ever a cashier and I was a patron we probably wouldn't see eye-to-eye because she'd babble on and on to a candy distributor that takes his job too seriously.

After that I went across the street for some lunch at one of the busiest sandwich shops in Seattle. Of course I had to wait. It's a small joint, cash only, so I stood off in a corner while I was waiting for my sandwich. As luck would have it the table closest to me and within earshot was two people on what appeared to be THEIR FIRST DATE! Jackpot! I love this stuff, really. I listen all the time, then I try to gauge whether or not they have a shot, who's into who, it's a riot. Dude was way more into her than she was him. Eventually she brought up the ex.

"He told me my cats were dirty, that did it, we were done."

"So, do you like Dexter?"

Really guy? A TV show? That's all you've got? She already pulled the ex card, hope you didn't pay for this.

"No, not really. I don't know, I mean I do still kind of miss him..."

Crash and burn dude, crash and burn. It's over. Tables opened up around me, I could've sat down and waited, but like hell I was moving.

I even gave guy a topic but he botched it.

"What's with that creepy red-headed guy standing over there?"

"I don't know but it looks like he's laughing at us...and he's writing something down."

"I'm getting security."

Not a word of it. Maybe it's a bit insensitive that I got a kick out of a guy's failed date but hell, the sandwich was only $7.50, and I'm sure he makes a good living. Maybe he distributes candy.

To measure success...

2009-11-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

In the metaphorical marathon that is health care reform our government just jogged 10 feet. (And during that 10 feet trampled some womens' rights and continued to pad the pockets of the parasites we've come to recognize as the insurance industries). With the amount of back-patting the governments are doing after this 10-foot scramble the marathon may never be finished in our life-times my fellow tech-happy-slightly-cynical-twenty-somethings. Alas, the world is full of pros, cons, crashing bores, scandals, failures, and every so often something interesting gets put on paper or record.

I won't be on stage as often this week. Main reason being I've got tickets to see the Mountain Goats tomorrow and the Pixies (Doolittle tour!) on Thursday. I figure I'll learn something watching people more advanced at their craft than I am at mine.

The Seattle International Comedy Competition is going on this week and I was hoping to catch some of it tonight since some of my friends are in it this year, but I got into the Steeler game, plus the beginning of the wet season has its way of encouraging me to stay indoors. After the game I put on a documentary about cults just to assure that I won't have pleasant dreams about another Super Bowl victory but instead am guaranteed twisted nightmares remnant of a Rob Zombie flick and I'll wake up in a cold sweat, maybe with heartburn.

My favorite bars are those that remind of a Bukowski novel. The place down the street from me, during the week at least, seems to be in that vein. Sadly, it took me over two years to give it a shot, and I've only got a few weeks left out here. I've been digging it though. One of the candidates for mayor drinks here on a regular basis, one afternoon he was telling me about the corruption and the votes unaccounted for, he's been robbed of several thousand he claimed, King county is up-in-arms, we're a sinking ship...Could be a drunk or he could be a right drunk, stranger things have happened.

"Some poets are drunks but not all drunks are poets." Though I'd also add that people that refer to themselves as poets probably aren't poets. What's a poet?

Songs to Stay Sane By

2009-10-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

For anyone else that's feeling the grudge of this year of our lord 2009. Lately, I've felt like the main character from "Death of a Salesman." I go from stage to stage and eventually realize there's no money in my pocket. Eventually I'm going to lose it and wander into the same place every day at 8pm and start telling jokes.

"Who is that guy?"

"I think his name's Ron. He comes in every day, nobody has the heart to tell him this is a Funeral Home and he should probably leave."

Anyway friends, load this as a play-list and of course, no need to thank me, just pay it forward.

"This Year" The Mountain Goats--I listen to this everyday as soon as I wake up

"Fall Back Down" Rancid

"Los Angeles is Burning" Bad Religion

"Home for a Rest" Spirit of the West

"Wind Up" Jethro Tull (I'll buy a beer to anyone who can tell me the connection between SOTW and J-Tull, yes, there is one).

"Chris and the Angels" Hamell on Trial

"On and On and On" Catch 22

"The Dug Out" Ladyhawk

"51-7" Camper Van Beethoven

"Five to One" The Doors

"Atlantic City" Bruce Springsteen

"Droid" Selby Tigers

Really Playboy?

2009-10-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

The October issue of PlayBoy will feature none other than the legendary Marge Simpson on the cover, a first for the magazine. The reason for this: to attract 20-somethings to the magazine, whose average-aged reader is 35.

It's good to know that just because most of us 20-somethings are broke because of the recession and don't have 7 girlfriends and millions of dollars Hugh assumes that we all fantasize about cartoons...May as well be realistic since apparently none of us are getting the real thing.

"I've got no cash, no lady, no future...show me the cartoon tits, please. Seriously, this is all I have left, the cartoon tits."

Besides, when I heard about a cartoon being featured in PlayBoy I lost all interest when it wasn't Lois Griffin from Family Guy. Lois is a true renaissance woman, well-read, intelligent, independent, sassy, sexy, why, she's practically perfect albeit two flaws: She's too old for me and she's animated. If Lois was in her 20s and a real person, well, I'd be down.

I can't believe Hugh thinks we twenty-somethings fantasize about cartoons, the nerve.

Facebook Groups I'd make if I had more freetime

2009-09-23T01:58:00.000-07:00

...And wasn't worried I'd be the only member...

1. People who avoid e-wars but read them for entertainment.

Seriously, nothing good ever comes of them. It always ends up a posting match and everybody loses. I refuse to engage in them. Yet, they can be damn amusing to read sometimes.

2. I drink energy drinks and wonder if they're this generation's cigarettes.

Only time will tell...Ulcers? Eventual heart disease? Though, I'm certainly no doctor.

3. Italian-Americans who are tired of Italian-Americans with an obsessive and obnoxious nationalistic pride, you make the rest of us look bad.

Seriously. Healthy pride is one thing but if you base your entire personality and identity on the mass of soil ancestors you never even met came over from, get a hobby for hell's sake.

4. Children are usually afraid of me and I don't know why.

Maybe they have some kind of animal-like instinct and can tell that I don't care for them, or maybe they heard that joke I used to do about how living near the Boys and Girls club made me wish abortion was included in every basic health care plan.

5. I like girls that tell me when they need to fart.

It's natural, it's bold, it's honest, which in turn makes it sexy. Just don't drop trow and take a shit on the floor, that'd be too far.

6. If you think Charles Bukowski was sexist you need to look up the word 'misanthrope' in the dictionary and get over yourself.

You're too shallow to be that anally PC.

7. I write blogs that I probably won't think are funny or clever in the morning whenever I can't sleep at night.

See above.

An Open Letter to Joe Wilson

2009-09-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Joe,

Boy, this is embarrassing, I mean honestly. I know, I know, you've got your support, some people have even been giving you money, I'm sure you're happy to be making money, even if it means catering to the whole "instead of solving problems let's focus on Obama being the anti-Christ" demographic.

Prostitutes make money too Joe. And, compared to you, they're far more respectable.

Sure there's a time for public dissent, there's a time for protest, but not when doing so turns an event meant to solve one of the largest domestic enigmas facing our country into yet another stage for political theater. I perform on stages all the time Joe, and you know who doesn't belong on stage? The heckler Joe, the heckler doesn't belong on stage.

I hate to be trite and play the whole "politicians are assholes" card but damn Joe, I question whether or not you're potty trained. We all need to have a concept of time and place Joe, and the other night, boy, you pissed all over the seat.

I was embarrassed for you Joe, and you have no idea what this means coming from me, I've got a thick skin when it comes to embarrassing politicians...I'm from PENNSYLVANIA for heaven's sake. We had RICK SANTORUM!! Ah, excuse me, just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Coming from an Italian-American family o boy, he was like that dude from Harry Potter, you didn't mention that name at the dinner table. Yes, that homophobic, Bush-parroting disaster of a human being whose name is now a synonym for post-anal sex lube and fecal matter was quite the embarrassment, convinced those weapons of mass destruction were going to turn up any day, making the most foul of homophobic and racist comments and then hiding behind a bible, man, I never thought that guy could be topped.

You've topped him Joe, you've topped him. Couldn't you have saved it for Hannity or Beck Joe? They were just a phone call away.

Anyway Joe, to leave on a positive note you've given me hopes that they'll just can the whole thing and eventually the voice for the single-payer system will become too loud to ignore. Idealistic? Yeah. I mean hell, we can't just yell out whenever we want.

--Ron

My New Diet

2009-08-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

At times I have a weird eating schedule. Sometimes I won't be hungry in the afternoon, go out and do comedy, then be starving by the time I get home. I've decided that from now on whenever I have a terrible set I won't eat when I get home...because I ate already, I dined on a shit-sandwich. It only seems fair.

Tonight was definitely one of those nights where I wouldn't be eating, but I decided to let it slide because I was starving and knew I wouldn't sleep well if I didn't eat something. I'm already slacking off.

I did canvassing for a bit, not just because I needed some quick cash but because I thought a job like that would help with stand-up, if I can convince a stranger to give me their credit card information on the street I can convince them a joke's funny. It was tough. The toughest job I've ever had. And it's brutal. I felt like shit everyday, mentally and physically. My day would start at around 7:30am, and it would end around midnight. I wouldn't have time to go home after the shift because I'd go straight to stand-up somewhere. I got sick nearly immediately. I lasted three days. With everything else I had going on, it just wasn't going to work at the moment. Still, I enjoyed seeing that side of humanity, in terms of human interaction you're just a pan-handler that makes an hourly wage. Within my three days somebody told me to fuck off once, a woman propositioned me for sex and three people signed up with me. I would see tourists finding their way through downtown, looking for the library, Pike's Place, Pioneer Square, the Space Needle at times, though I was never really near the Center.

According to my supervisor one of my flaws was my low energy and the fact that I didn't approach a ton of people. We found that it was because I pre-judged them. "Why?" He asked me. "Because I've lived, I've seen shit, I know we're supposed to be optimistic about human compassion but I'm not sold." "Everyone that comes through our doors have seen shit, you've got to give people a little bit of credit." He was right about the first part, and he had a point, most of the people there were well-traveled, eclectic, cultured, but we all see different things. With the path I've chosen over the past several years I feel that I give my fellow man enough credit. We're flawed, we're animals, the best may be behind us, but we can learn and we can love. Some would call it misanthropy, others cynicism, I call it a healthy dose of realism.

By the way, here's what our health-care bill should say:

"Non-Profit Single Payer. There. Any room for misinterpretations or bogus death panel claims? No, I didn't think so. All of you insurance industry moguls can get new jobs selling used American cars. As for the rest of you, you're welcome."

A Small Victory

2009-08-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

Over five years ago I had a dream that I got pulled over by a cop. It was a female officer and when she approached my window she was gorgeous. She told me to watch my speed and that I was lucky I was cute. She winked at me and left.

Tonight I was driving home from a gig in Tumwater (had a great time, always a fun room) and I got pulled over by a female cop! It was an interesting situation, initially I had no idea why I was pulled over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I was upfront, "to be honest, no, I don't." I said it cordially.

"Well you were driving right on top of the person in front of you, and you were swerving in and out of your lane."

Technically, both things she said were true. I was on top of the car and front of me briefly, because I was trying to get around said car, they were going maybe 50, but I couldn't get around them because there was a car in the other lane also riding their break. For whatever reason in my experience the northwest has no concept of the fast lane.

As for the swerving thing, yes, I slightly swerved once, because their flashing lights startled me, I swerved slightly and then pulled over.

So both things she said were true, albeit a stretch.

Her next question: "How much did you have to drink tonight?"

Which I could've taken personally but chose not to.

"Nothing."

"What about earlier?"

"I have had absolutely nothing to drink tonight."

Which was true, I'm incredibly strict about drinking before shows, I feel like it throws my timing off, and I didn't drink afterward because I left after the show was over.

"So if I give you a breathalyzer you'll blow zero?"

"Yeah, unless mouthwash or something makes it go above."

She took my license. She came back a few minutes later and told me to watch my driving. I started to apologize and explain myself, but she stammered off. No goodnight, nothing. In my side mirror I saw her waving off the car behind her. She reminded me off a pouting kid, the school bully that didn't get to beat up the small kid because an adult showed up.

This wasn't an officer that was concerned about my safety or the safety of others on the road, this was an officer that was one of the cars involved in a speed trap and they wanted to slap a DUI on somebody. They wanted to humiliate someone and make them walk in a straight line, say the alphabet backwards, see them squirm. And, tonight it wasn't this guy.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some good cops out there, you hear about people giving their lives for the cause. On the flip-side you also hear about police officers killing people with tazers. I salute law enforcement for doing the job they do but I'm not naive enough to ignore the fact that police brutality is a huge problem in the United States and elsewhere. I have this theory that for every good cop there are about 6 or so bad ones. I base this on experience and I have yet to meet an officer that falls into that one in 6.

Eh, so it goes. She didn't wink at me, didn't tell me I was cute, oh and just for the record she was heinous.

In a Bathtub no less!

2009-08-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Amici, I've been a lousy blogger. Usually I like to grace the inter-cyberspace with my ramblings twice a month. Not necessarily every other week, my time management isn't that disciplined, if it were I'd probably be much more successful in the game. I blame it on Kaplan, and I blame it on the heat.

In Seattle we've had record-breaking temperatures, for those that don't live in Seattle and may not find meteorology all that interesting. Around 83% of all buildings in the Seattle area do not have air conditioning, our temperatures broke 100. My apartment of course falls into the 83%. At one point I filled my bathtub with cold water, set my computer and cell phone on the toilet, and sat in the tub to go about my day. My "home-office" is by no means glamorous to begin with so it wasn't much of an adjustment. To an on-looker who didn't know there was a heatwave it probably looked like the most bizarre suicide attempt they'd ever seen.

Anyway, enough on the heat.

A woman in the Bronx is suing Monroe College because she claims their career center did not help her get a job. She majored in information technology. The college defends the effectiveness of their career center, indicating several recent English majors that have gone on to be successful baristas.

Lastly, Over the next month or so I'm going to be deciding what to do about my novel. I've been trying to get it picked up, I've gotten some interest but no small presses have any money these days, they're hardly putting out anything and understandably so. I'm aware of many more innovative and cost-efficient ways to get this thing out there independently but I haven't considered them out of fear of rejection from the publishing industry. Alas, I've reconsidered and reality gave me a slap. The publishing industry, in many ways, is a sinking ship. A renaissance is coming and they either have to embrace it or go the way of the Buffalo. Not to mention I made the decision to walk away from the industry back in May, so why not go all out?

Back in the Saddle

2009-07-13T09:27:00.001-07:00

So, I've returned from across the mighty pond and it's that time again...A time I never look forward to...A time that always occurs when it's wanted least because it's never wanted...A time that any aspiring musician/comedian/writer/poet/actor/artist can relate to and all regardless of craft equally loathe...day-job time.

Just typing it sends chills. But, alas, I need to get a little supplement income going on. Part-time would suffice.

Last night on Craigslist I saw an ad for a dishwasher at a diner down the street from me. Daylight hours, part-time, I can walk to work, people will leave me alone, why the hell not? So this morning I dressed a little nicer than my regular morning wardrobe of boxers and socks and headed on down the road.

I asked for the person I was supposed to ask for and waited at the end of the bar for her to come out of the kitchen. For those few minutes I was pretty much on display for everyone: To your right, a guy that finished college not too far from a 4.0 and is waiting to apply for a part-time job washing dishes. Summary: Shitty life choices.

My interviewer appears. Woman, looks early 30s, could be attractive if she didn't have the stereo-typical-Seattle-hipster-I've-never-learned-to-think-for-myself-so-I-let-Belle-And-Sebastian-do-it-for-me look going on. Summary: Libido killer.

Anyway, after a few minutes she tells me I don't have the restaurant experience she's looking for. Alas friends, I'm apparently under-qualified to wash dishes. I best let my girlfriend know right away. "Sorry, but you've got to clean the apartment alone..."

To save myself time and headaches and unnecessary early-morning walks to downtown Fremont, I've compiled my list of requirements that will surely have employers diving head over heels for my services. This is all I want in a day-job:

1. Flexibility: I can only work daylight, Monday-Friday. Every now and again the occasional fall-out gig will pop up, sometimes more than one. 2 hours advance notice should suffice for any conflicts that may arise.

2. My Boss: I want someone that isn't a passive-aggressive, condescending, arrogant waste of air and syllables. I realize this will be increasingly difficult in the fine city of Seattle as said behavior is not only common but, in my experience, expected. At the end of the day though, it's not that hard, tell me what to do, I do it, we leave each other alone. I'm not looking for a friend, I have friends, just do the work, go home. This method's flawless, trust me.

3. The Work: I don't work well with customers, but I can get through it when absolutely necessary. I don't do any rabbit gets the carrot garbage, save that for a naive recent college grad or someone from the suburbs that doesn't know any better. Physical labor is fine because it's isolating and one gets in better shape, two birds with one stone. Only thing, I don't do the outdoors for extended periods of time.

References furnished upon request.

Comedy and the "F" Word

2009-06-11T00:29:00.001-07:00

I've heard this countless times, and most recently I heard this come from an 88-year-old woman that decided to do stand-up: The ever famous battle-cry against the "F" word. "If someone's truly talented, if they're truly funny, then they don't NEED to use profanity."

The above mentioned sentiment is little more than narcissistic nonsense. Hear me out. Did people making these statements ever stop to think that maybe some comedians don't feel the NEED to use profanity, maybe they just don't feel the NEED to NOT use profanity? Maybe it's who they are. Maybe it's how they're comfortable. Maybe, just maybe, they're not up there for you, maybe they don't really care about your opinion, maybe they assume that you're focused on their material and their point-of-view, and not the language they use. Maybe their attitude is such that if your level of tolerance is one in which you would dismiss a comedian solely based on language, then, well, fuck ya.

I personally fall into the category of clean. I'm not really vulgar at all. I didn't plan it that way, that's just naturally how my material turns out. I never sat down and was like, "hey, I'm gonna be a clean comic cuz my goal in life is to one day go on tour with Dave Coulier and entertain families, like the Wiggles only with punchlines! I'm gonna make this work!" Never happened. I actually sort of despise children.

I remember once not too long ago I did a show in my hometown of Pittsburgh and after wards was at a bar with a few friends, some who weren't able to make the show. My mom was at the bar so they jokingly asked her how the show went and if I was funny. Her response: "He's not crude or vulgar, he doesn't need to do that." That was it. Of course, she was just being my mom and such, but still, that was a bummer. I looked back at her, "If that's all you got from what I did up there, I really failed tonight." Then the topic was changed because, well, people just chalked it up to me being strange.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with not liking vulgarity or whatever else. If you don't dig vulgarity, if it's not for you, if it dilutes everything else for you, that's totally fine. Everyone's entitled to enjoy or not enjoy something. But who is anyone to define what is and isn't acceptable for the rest of us? And if something doesn't meet someone's definition of acceptable who are they to then write that off as talentless?

"There are two types of people in this world, people who create and people who destroy."--George Lucas

Flooded Treasures

2009-05-31T23:02:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been reading Oscar Wilde's fairy tales. Interestingly enough I'm coming across some that I had read in class during grade school. Obviously now the societal quips and commentary no longer go over my head, instead they knock me right between the teeth as if Wilde was yelling to me from the grave, "See? Humans haven't changed at all, it's the same bureaucratic nonsense and it always will be...P.S. If I were alive today you know I'd be a stand-up comic."

On Saturday I was walking down the road and there was somewhat of an informal yard sale going on in Fremont. I went to check it out and there were books. Tons of books. Turns out what happened was this guy, he was an older guy, lived in Seattle his whole life, has his own float for the Solstice Parade, believes Seattle Times is a huge conspiracy, cool guy. Anyway, turns out a bunch of these books were flooded, so this guy dove into the dumpster and fished them all out. He was giving them away to any interested parties. Dostoevsky, Kierkegaard, Hunter Thompson (more), all found, all salvageable. I also added some Chomsky and Nietzsche.

He asked for two dollars since some of the books weren't flooded, I insisted on giving him three. Once when I was in between semesters at college there was a leak in my parents' basement and some of my books got it. A blow dryer, a little bit of sunlight, and a stubborn attitude that wouldn't settle for re-buying a soul-less republication from Barnes and Noble was all I needed to get them back to being totally readable. Hopefully I'll have similar success with these books.

Now, when I was in college I worked at Carnegie Mellon University in the receiving warehouse. Every so often I would go to campus to make deliveries to the book store. Sometimes there was a guy, similar to the Seattle guy, that would sell books on campus. I'd always see a flier near the book store so I knew when he'd be there. I'd try to go shop for a bit and since no one really wants to go back to a non-air conditioned warehouse in the middle of summer, it usually wasn't hard for me to convince my co-workers to stall for a bit while I checked out the book selection.

One time, I found the entire collection of "Notes of A Dirty Old Man" by Charles Bukowski. Not the collection that was published later, but all of the original writings that appeared in the paper he used to write for along with some of the other stuff he had been doing during that time that had slipped under the radar. I remember picking it up at the book sale and showing it to the guy. "Spine's ripped, I can't sell that...You want it, it's yours." Since then I've read that collection so many times that the ripped spine did give in completely, the book's held together by athletic tape now, and I still read it from time to time.

Experiences like the above mentioned make me wonder why I spend time worrying about money.

At the Airport(s)

2009-05-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to terms that I’m one of those people that gets freaked out if I don’t travel regularly. The destination doesn’t matter so much, but I like to have a regular schedule of logistic obstacles. It’s the best time to think, especially when I’m flying.

I like to get to airports extremely early, like super early. I like to be through security with 2 hours to spare, you can do some of your best people watching at an airport. Airports are one of the many venues in which we as humans can realize how far yet how little we’ve actually evolved from animals.

My day started at the Seattle Sheraton where I was to catch the shuttle to the airport. I had a few obligations that I had to attend to in the city early. I planned on catching the 8:43 shuttle but when I got there the 8:13 was still waiting. I got on board, now, the driver’s supposed to be able to take my money, but she sent me inside. I asked her if I had enough time, she responded, “only if you run.” I guess in retrospect she was kind of rude but I wasn’t paying much attention. I waited at the concierge, there was a shuttle booth, but I didn’t notice it. I listened to banter back in forth with a couple trying to get to Vancouver. She informed them that the train left once a day, there was a shuttle that provided a quick service. This is all information one can obtain spending about 2 minutes tops on Google, maybe these people didn’t have laptops with them but let’s be real, they have money and they’re clueless. So I started getting a little anxious, not because I was in a hurry but because the shuttle was waiting, and I didn’t want to be that guy. Finally it took off. The lady gets to me. “How can I help you?” “I wanted tickets for that shuttle that just left.” “O, well their booth is right over there.” “Oops, I didn’t see it.” “No worries I can sell you a ticket here, will you be catching the next one?” “That’s the plan.” “You could’ve just bought it from the driver.” “She wouldn’t take my money.” “He didn’t except your money?” “She wouldn’t take my money.” “That’s strange.”

I went over to the booth I was supposed to go to in the first place. “Hey, just curious, can’t your drivers take money?” “Yeah.” “They wouldn’t take mine, they sent me straight in here, didn’t even offer, I had cash.” The girl sighed, “was it a woman driver?” “Umm yeah, do you guys have some weird policy with women taking money or something?” “Heh, no, she just does that, I don’t know why, I’m really sorry.” “Yeah, I just found it strange, oh well, life goes on.” The girl was cool. I probably could’ve talked her into giving me a comp trip but I wasn’t that bothered by the whole thing.

So I had a half-hour to kill in the Sheraton so I do what I think anybody should do and go around looking for a continental breakfast. I planned to walk in acting like I owned the place and score a free meal. Of course, a hotel as upscale as the Sheraton isn’t going to have such a thing, but I had nothing better to do.

Later at the airport I was waiting in line to check in. I went over to check to see if my bag was small enough to qualify as a carry-on and while doing so the guy behind me cut right in front of me. Proves that animal theory. I got behind him. “Wow, that was classy.” Again, I didn’t care, it’s just interesting how some people have no concept that life’s too short to be a dick for no apparent reason. We’re at the front of the line and they call the next person in line over, dude doesn’t move. They call again, he finally notices. “Let’s wake up buddy.” He didn’t respond to me, if you’re in that big of a hurry that you’re going to do something as petty as cut in front of one person, at least be on the ball with checking in.

As Karma would have it my line was quicker than his and I beat him through security. Yes, I did notice.

I’m at security and I put my stuff through and go through the metal detector. The TSA guy comes up to me. “Hello sir, I need you to either walk through the X-ray, or if you’d prefer I’ll give you a pat-down.”
My verbatim response: “I think I’d like you to pat me down.” I wasn’t trying to be funny or anything it just came out that way, I had nothing in my system but a Monster drink. After I said it though I couldn’t help but start laughing, especially since I could tell dude did not want to pat me down.

I’m now on a plane flying over Chicago, it’s dark out, and I’m listening to Rocket Man by Elton John. Now that’s perfection. “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids, in fact it’s cold as hell.”
I touch-down in the Burgh around 10ET. You know, come to think of it, I’m not the man they think I am at home…

Not after a lousy set, please?

2009-05-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

Last night I didn't have the set I wanted to. It was an open-mic. For those non-comics out there open-mic is an opportunity to try out new material, work out a premise on stage, test out new tags to older material to try to expand on bits, etc. Of course, some people beat the same five minutes to death for years but, moving on. I didn't have the set I wanted. I didn't care necessarily that I didn't do well, but I was bummed that some of the newer material that I've been trying to work out and gravitate towards isn't quite clicking.

Rest of the night went on, quick question: Does a public domain(read: internet) joke about sleeping with your cousins in (insert city of ridicule) deserve an applause break? Should it even be uttered on stage? I didn't think so either.

Anyway, after all was over the great Tim Warner and I went for a beer down the street. This place is a biker-esque bar but it's just a stone's throw away from the apartment so we went. The bartender was playing this horrible pop-punk "emo" music, dribble I used to think was cool when I was 16 or so but then saw through once I realized high school didn't matter. Anyway Tim and I were talking shop, I was blowing off steam to a slight degree, and just then the most terrible cover of "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure came on. I mean TERRIBLE. It was absolutely nauseating. There were only like, 5 people in the bar, none of whom looked like they would be into this music with exception to the hipster skinny-jean clad bartender. For some reason, that did me in, I was fed up with it all, fed up with work, fed up with all of it.

So I looked up and said for all to hear, "This is the worst cover I ever heard, this is atrocious, whoever recorded this deserves to be shot in the skull."

It really was that bad. The song continued. "Dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow..." I looked down at the table, there was some cash sitting there which of course was my intended tip. I reached down and took a dollar and put it back in my pocket.

I know, I know, kind of harsh, but I was ticked. And honestly, if you're going to push your horrible taste down peoples' throats you should realize that you may catch one of them on the wrong day and they'll take it out of your tip. I'm a Cure fan, that was some bad old timing. I'm not sure if the bartender noticed or not but Tim was cracking up so I imagine he noticed.

Now it's time for some irony: I got home and pulled up my laptop, my girlfriend had put a drawing of Robert Smith up as my background. At that point I couldn't help laughing about the whole thing. Next time I'm in there I'll tip the bartender a little extra to make up for it, maybe he'll use the money to buy some better music and we both win.

Humble Pie's more bitter out west

2009-04-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting not too long ago with somebody who has a pretty large role in the political and media relations arena here in Seattle. We talked about work and the world, and of course he asked me what exactly it was I wanted to do. So I told him. Now, he knew I paid my bills through writing, so he asked me some obvious questions, ones I wish I had better answers for...

Do you submit to (City Magazine)? Do you pitch humor pieces online? etc. etc.

Sadly my answer was a constant, "no, I'm going to work on that eventually."

Which lead to the inevitable, "so Ron, what exactly are you doing?"

This guy has 30+ years of success in the field of journalism, I'm sure to him we Hunter Thompson fanatics already seem amateur, nonetheless, I couldn't in my heart tell him what I was actually doing...erotic literature. Yup, in this economy, I gotta take what I can get.

While other people are pitching spec scripts, blogging for Huffington, negotiating publishing pitches, I'm editing orgy scenes between a girl and her two brothers. We all have our peaks and valleys I suppose.

Speaking of which, earlier this month (it's still April 30th) I participated in a comedy competition in Bend, Oregon. Bend is a neat ski-town in the middle of the state. Driving there, however, one must go over a pretty long pass. I hadn't checked the weather conditions. Starting the drive from Seattle it was completely pleasant, ordinary North-west spring weather. The pass was a different story. I hadn't realized how high in the mountains I actually was, and this pass was covered with snow and it was coming down...hard. I literally switched seasons in a matter of seconds. Now, I've never handled snow well, NEVER. When other people see me drive in snow they assume I'm a Seattle native, they're shocked when I tell them I'm from Pennsylvania. What can I say? I don't do snow.

Trucks were sliding, people were pulled over putting their chains on. I was in a Dodge Caliber rental, I didn't have chains nor would I have any clue what to do with them if I did. I wondered just how high up I was, there were little signs of elevation. Had I made a wrong turn somewhere? Am I still on the right road? When this is all over, I'm buying myself a GPS. I put the car in auto-stick, that helped a great deal. At that point, I let out an open call for help. I don't necessarily pray much, but hell, anything was worth a shot. I made it out, and of course once over the mountain the roads were completely normal.

I know it's trite, but after that I decided I was going to have a more positive attitude about things, not take anything for granted, focus more on the bright side...That lasted a few days. If you'll excuse me, cunnilingus calls.

An Open Letter to PETA from my Cat, Lucy

2009-04-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Dear PETA,

To avoid getting started on the wrong foot, let me say that I am, overall, in support of what you do. As a proud feline I do appreciate your pursuit of our ethical treatment and due to your informative campaigns my provider and I both refuse to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, among other things.

However, I can't help but have a slightly acerbic taste in my mouth when I ponder issues of world hunger, our struggling economy, the environment, and war. These are issues that affect us animals as well and as I hope you can agree, are of a bit more importance than changing the name of fish to "sea-kittens." Which, by the way, I do enjoy a fine tuna myself, I hope this is not your attempt to paint us cats as cannibals. If so, know that I speak for the rest of the Animal Revolutionary Society when I say we will not be pleased. I have very close ties with the K-9 Chapter as well as everyone over at the Neo-Animal Farm. Anyway, to summarize, dare I say perhaps you should make yourselves aware that there are "fatter fish to fry." And no, I don't apologize for the pun. My provider hasn't written a funny joke in I can't remember how long, I've earned this.

Anyway, this brings me to my next point and what inspired me to write you, your recent request to the musical ensemble Pet Shop Boys. Now, with exception to the Hold Steady double-disc I've little to look forward to in regards to the music industry, and I'm certainly not without a sense of humor. What you seem to forget is that the worst thing you could do to your organization is become a parody of yourself, which in recent events you have taken many steps toward. You'd be naive to not acknowledge and adapt to the fact that you have extremists in your organization that make the far religious right almost look rational. With this in mind, making your request to the Pet Shop Boys to change their name will bear little positive fruit, and on the contrary will further diminish the cause you claim to be fighting for.

I understand your intentions are in the right place, but perhaps it's time to change the Pandora Radio Station in the marketing office. Just a thought.

All the best,

Lucy
President, Animal Revolutionary Society
Editor in Chief to Ron Placone
Activist

A Whopping 60!

2009-03-03T15:12:00.000-08:00

For my past birthday a friend of mine bought me a copy of The Lenny Bruce Trials. I finally had a chance to dive into it. As of right now I haven’t entered the tragedy yet, basically I’m still to the point where they’re talking about San Francisco in the 60s. Quite frankly, I wish I was born 40-some years earlier sometimes…but it’s in my nature to always feel like the grass is greener on the other side. On the other hand, some say that the climate we’re in now is even worse than the Great Depression. I didn’t live through the Great Depression, so despite what’s on paper or in the history books I feel as though I’ll never truly know the accuracy of said statement.
So I asked my Grandmother. “Grandma, what do you remember from the Great Depression?”
There was a brief pause on the phone.
“O, wow, that was a long time ago, I remember stuff being rationed…You know you should ask your dad.”
“But he wasn’t alive then.”
“Yeah, but he’s good with history.”
“I’m looking for a first-hand account.”
“O, I really don’t remember that much, how’s Seattle?”
So I didn’t get a ton of information, not that my Grandmother would’ve been old enough to remember much, but I figured it was worth a shot.
I suppose there’s reason to look up today though, CNN released a piece informing us the masses that due to the Stimulus 60 people now have jobs. Nope, no mistakes in the numbers, 60. Those people must be getting a hell of a paycheck.
When it’s newsworthy that 60 people received jobs in a country with our population, I think it’s safe to say we’re in a nice amount of trouble. Who knows what will be newsworthy next…Perhaps by 2010 none of us will have jobs but we’ll know the menstrual cycle of every female celebrity.

Link to Seattle Sinner January Submission

2009-02-16T18:19:00.000-08:00

http://www.theseattlesinner.com/endofanerror.php

My farewell letter to FORMER President George W. Bush

Snow-Worthy

2009-01-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hot-tubs, plastic forks, gas stations, bar soap, I'm smiling, I'm traveling. Have a night off in Missoula. So far the run's been pretty good, though the winter weather has been a bit exhausting.

This is the first time ever that I've met a Steelers' fan at every single show. There were two in Missoula, one at each of the shows in Idaho, and then one in Billings last night. Steelers' fans aren't the most common thing in the rural Northwest. If I meet one in Spokane, then I will have met a Steelers' fan at every single room in this run, that doesn't even happen in the northeast.

Drinking lots of coffee, occasionally mixing it up with a Rockstar, had to wait an extra day to watch the premier episode of Lost, and while the Inauguration was going on I was background noise to a basketball game for an uninterested audience in Montana. On the upside though, I've met some super cool people, saw some beautiful countryside, some for the first time, and stared in complete awe and jealousy that top-quality lunch meat is $5.99/pound at most in Yellowstone.

Several days ago I was in Idaho and I was starving. It was several hours until showtime. I was in a fairly rural area and I didn't feel like driving, not to mention it was insanely cold. I decided to order a Pizza. I placed my order for delivery, and then as custom I gave the guy my info:
"What's your address?"

"I'm at the ________ Inn, on Main Street."

"Room number?"

"223"

"And your name please?"

"Ron"

"Could you spell that?"

(Brief moment of silence)

My last name, yeah, people misspell that all the time, but really, RON? I was silent, I had never been asked to spell my first name before so I was a bit taken aback, also I was slowly realizing that somebody, somewhere thought it was a good idea to let this guy handle money for a living, and in that particular moment, my debit card information.

Now, the second issue, how can I respond to that without sounding like a jerk? I mean really, I had to spell R-O-N, like I was the Dad telling the babysitter not to let the Dominos' guy have any C-A-N-D-Y. Seriously dude, R-O-N, like "ON," you know, the switch where when you put it up everything gets bright? Just throw an "R" in front and you're golden. No tricks here.

Of course, some people do spell it R-O-H-N. Which is stupid.

A Retrospective

2009-01-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year one and all. The past day and a half I have been huddled in my tiny apartment, recently re-united with my two cats in Seattle. In my two week absence the city got slammed with snowstorms unheard of in recent history. All the while I was in PA-OH-IN-WV where more often than not it was unseasonably warm. So it goes, fortunately I was able to sleep at night knowing that I was lucky enough to have the best cat-sitter(s) EVER taking care of the feline crew.

Anyway, the past two days have been filled with lots and lots of Football. It is bowl season, and it is a holiday. Pitt-Oregon State and Michigan State-Georgia turned out to be very heavily rooted in defense, both low-scoring, both forced teams to think outside the box to control the clock and rack up enough points on the board to pull out a win. Personally, I enjoyed the lop-sidedness of it all. I've never been one for shoot-outs, and being a life-long Steelers fan I have nothing but the utmost appreciation for good defense.

I have a gig during the BCS Bowl, I'm hoping to catch as much as I can as I'm expecting quite a game. Florida Gators have been an incredibly fun team to watch. As I couldn't care less who wins, I can watch for love of the game, as is the story most of the time when I watch college football. (I went to Indiana University--never had much to get excited about football wise).

I've been listening to lots and lots of Will Sheff, have been for a few years now, and thoroughly enjoy his song-writing. To all the critics out there--many of us Okkervil fans realize that the music is simple, we know the chord progressions are basic, and we don't care. Their lyrics are brilliant, they have great hooks with the slightest dash of folk that blends perfectly, and they're very tight live. Put that music degree to use and go teach some lessons instead of offering criticisms on pop music via YouTube comments. Sound good?

Back to Football. This could be a fun run for the NFL. Tennessee may be due for an upset, my Steelers could go anyway imaginable, Baltimore is going to be a strong six seat, and in the NFC Carolina is going to clean up, at least that's my prediction. New England is of the past for this year, yet sadly Indianapolis, in true serpent fashion have managed to slither their way into another playoff birth.

I dug 2008, hopefully 2009 keeps the same momentum. For those of us twenty-somethings that have just entered the "real world" this economic climate has been no picnic. But hell, I find the glory in it all. This is supposed to be a tough time regardless, so it's a little lousier, at least, my fellow peers, we're not close to retirement age. My true sympathies are for the baby-boomers, the early-sixty-somethings, and those struggling to support their families. As for the rest of us, those of us that don't have much to begin with, perhaps chasing dreams that may or may not ever come true but at the very least will give us a fuck of a fun ride, let's seize the year.

--Ron

Slow Droppings and some Playlists

2008-11-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago Dennis Kucinich was on Bill O'Reilly. During which time Dennis tried to explain the economy to O'Reilly...seemed like a mathematics professor trying to explain algebra to a Doberman.

This week in the NFL: Having to watch both of the Manning brothers pull a victory is enough to break even the strongest of human beings…Such a phenomenon should be prohibited by law. Also, it seems as if, as expected, the piggies in the Zebra shirts are yet again playing for their fellow swine, giving them multiple first downs and stopping the clock when it’s in their favor.

Peyton Manning (aka “In-Bred”) on Adam Vinatieri: “He’s the best in the game I think, he’s got guts, and, there’s another word we use too, but guts will do.”

Gee golly there Peyton, not only did you have to make such a bold statement about your kicker but you had to make a G-rated family-friendly lack luster attempt at a penis joke. Between your tact and your troll-like appearance I wonder how anyone can stomach you.

An abandoned working piano was found in the woods, nobody was quite sure why...new Ben Folds Five video anyone?

Speaking of music, I've been driving a great deal these past few weeks, a few out-of-town gigs, in addition got a case of the new-day-job blues, and I've been thinking a great deal about what I've been taking in the car with me. Below are some highlights from my humble CD collection and an abbreviated list of my must-haves:

1. Jethro Tull, Bursting Out--It took me four years, but I finally found a copy of "Bursting Out," a live album that they recorded in 1978. It's easy to obtain online, but I decided I had to find it in a store, otherwise I wouldn't feel like it was truly mine. Anyway, the album is two discs, and I only listen to it once or twice a year whenever I have a long drive. Reason being I try to completely forget the track list, that way whenever I listen to it I can feel like I'm actually at a Jethro Tull concert. Sure I remember that they play Aqualung and Locomotive Breath, but I would be able to count on those at any concert.

2. Bad Religion, Suffer--If I don't listen to Suffer at least two times in a row at some point, I'm simply not ready to perform.

3. Modest Mouse, Lonesome Crowded West—I can’t imagine driving through the Northwest without popping in this disc at some point. Plus, think of all the classics…Doin’ the Cockroach, Cowboy Dan, Bankrupt on Selling…helps the miles go by.

4. Gin Blossoms, New Miserable Experience---Yes, I know it’s a guilty pleasure…Yes I know…what?

5. Rancid, Let’s Go---Come on baby won’t you show me what you got now!?! Let’s floor it.

6. The Beatles, Abbey Road--- Gotta have the song cycle, gotta have it.

7. Bill Hicks, Flying Saucer Tour Vol 1---This album was recorded at the Funny Bone in my hometown of Pittsburgh, PA. The crowd was a slowly adapting one, and Bill pulls out all the tricks to win them over. In the end he does…big time. This is not only my favorite Bill Hicks’ album, but may be my favorite comedy album of all time. Over two hours of Hicks, some improv, some crowd-work, and all the classic bits.

8. Nirvana, Insecticide—I began listening to Nirvana when I was 10. This influenced my music tastes for the next 13 years and counting. I pick Insecticide because the Vaselines’ covers really help any long haul. I’ll have any of their albums at various times though.

9. Minor Threat, Complete Discography---Whenever I’m in need of another Red Bull and it isn’t handy…Minor Threat will fill that void.

10. Okkervil River, Black Sheep Boy---Will Sheff writes great songs, there’s great songs out there, he wrote a few of them.
I’ll leave it at ten.

Facebook, Northeast Muggers, and a post-election world

2008-11-07T12:53:00.001-08:00

There have already been Facebook groups out there to impeach Barack Obama...I guess he must have already committed impeachable offenses such as warrant-less wiretapping,deception during a time of war, and...oh wait.

In Mount Lebanon, PA, an 84-year-old woman was walking along Washington Road last month when someone snatched her purse.

Investigators said they found a phone at the crime scene with an outgoing text message saying, "I'm ready to grab some old lady's purse." Police continued the investigation, as no "lol" or "jk" was found on the end of the text.

According to Faux News, "Sarah Palin's allies are pushing back against a stream of accusations leaking out of John McCain's campaign that the Alaska governor was incompetent during the run-up to the election." Sure every time she spoke we learned of another court case or social structure she didn't understand, and sure her performance in the VP debate was nothing short of laughable, but she had some pretty outfits gosh-darn it!

The GOP has officially invited Joe Lieberman into the Republican fold...leaving us all to wonder why Joe Lieberman is still a Democrat in the first place.

Pre-Election Thoughts

2008-11-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

At a football game in Marietta, Ohio, Sarah Palin was greeted by enthusiastic fans and a cheerleader who asked her, "do you do jokes?"...Apparently she's never heard Palin talk about the environment before.

A Faux News headline read: "Opposing Views: Are the Media Biased in This Presidential Election?" Results pointed to yes, but Sean Hannity dismissed it as "more liberal propaganda."

As I'm writing this I'm watching the New England Patriots battle, to quote Hunter S., "those swine known as the Indianapolis Colts." In between Madden's dribble and some scoring from both sides GOP ads are run in regards to Rev. Wright and Obama, a few ads for the promise of Change are aired as well.

The NFL has always been as political as politics in this country, it's a Lawyer's game, which is part of the beauty. Yet, unlike parts of Europe our teams are non-partisan. My Italian cousin asked me if the Pittsburgh Steelers were a Republican team or a Democrat team. I explained to him that no such thing existed. In the U.S., sports are sports, politics are politics. If we had to assign parties to teams though, I'd have to say that the best candidate for the Republican team would be the Indianapolis Colts, Dallas Cowboys in a close second. The Indianapolis Colts have Peyton Manning, who along with his brother Eli and father Archie comprise the Bush family of the NFL. They're iconic figures for America, especially the middle, the people that like to go to church on Sunday. With the Indianapolis Colts being the Republican team, the referees would be the mainstream media. Although I have to admit I haven't seen the Colts getting the breaks they've gotten in years past this year, maybe somebody finally complained.

The Democratic team is a bit tougher to call. The Green Bay Packers or the Pittsburgh Steelers may seem like obvious candidates, but I'm being realistic here. Both teams are too pure, too genuine, too respectable, not corporate enough. I'm going to go with the San Diego Chargers as the Democrat team. Reason being I can't think of any other team in recent years that's better at beating themselves.

For the record, the Indianapolis Colts won the game, and I sure as hell wasn't rooting for them.

Ashley Todd's recipe to be a total moron

2008-10-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

"High School Musical 3" is the number one movie at the box office...just when you thought there wasn't enough to be pessimistic about.

"Joe the Plumber" is considering running for congress...well, we already know he has a thorough understanding of taxes

John McCain to his only sisters circa 1930: "Hey you guys, if I ever grew up and ran for President would you vote for me?"

Looks like he got his answer.

Ashley Todd's Recipe to be a total moron:

Ingredients:

1. Thin-tipped kitchen knife

2. John McCain Bumper Sticker

3. A local police force with a history of racism

4. A mainstream media that is so focused on the right-wing agenda they'll publish any story blasting the other side without asking any questions or doing any research whatsoever.

5. A story blaming a black guy

6. A set of stairs

Throw yourself down the stairs, make sure you are good and black and blue. Next, take the kitchen knife and carve a "B" into your face, an "O" would be much easier, but oh well. Call Faux News, the other sock puppets will follow suit. Tell your story. Remember, a black guy mugged you, and it's Obama's fault!

Facial mutilation: Resetting the bar for political activism.

You might be a racist if...

2008-10-20T14:03:00.001-07:00

Colin Powell issued his support for Barack Obama. Rush Limbaugh recently issued statements calling this racially motivated: "Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race," Limbaugh wrote in the e-mail. "OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I'll let you know what I come up with." (CNN). Many democratic bloggers in addition to Obama's campaign are outraged about said statement.

Ummmm, here's an observation: It came from Rush Limbaugh. As someone who finds themselves spending long amounts of time in a car with a limited CD collection, I find myself listening talk radio more and more. As someone who is usually driving to the next gig, which is in a tiny town with a population of 12, I can usually find Rush on the dial. Just listening to the guy is beyond painful, blood curdles, borderline hate-speech is spewed every single program, at least every one I've had the discipline to sit through.

Point, getting outraged over an ignorant, racist statement from Rush Limbaugh is like picking up an US Weekly and then being offended and outraged that the entire magazine only discussed nonsense that doesn't matter.

We know US Weekly and Rush Limbaugh exist. Do as I do, accept that they exist, and realize that entities such as Rush Limbaugh and US Weekly are there to make us realize that as a human species, we really haven't come that far. And if you believe in God, He or She must not have been selective enough when determining who got tongues.

"You might be a racist if, your name's Rush Limbaugh." I sent this to Jeff Foxworthy, hopefully he uses it.

Apparently the "polls" indicate that the race is tightening between Barack Obama and John McCain...In West Virginia and several other areas there have been recent reports of voter fraud at the tallying machines...These two instances have absolutely nothing in common.

Sarah Palin recently called Obama's policies Socialism...broadcasting to the world that there is yet another system of social organization that she doesn't understand.

Debate Notes

2008-10-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know Joe the Plumber, I'm tried of hearing about him.

John McCain keeps blinking, this must be some kind of distraction method he learned from Palin...Sadly she defeats him in sex appeal

John's getting a little feisty...I'd be pissed too if I was the Republican nominee and down 10 points in one of the most conservative states in the country...

...The "Oh Shit I might lose Virginia" aggression continues.

John McCain's undying love for Ronald Reagan continues

When John McCain smiles his neck looks like a labia

Obama's smile is finally fading...look at us, not McCain!

Obama called out Faux-News! Ok, that gets a star

If Reagan was involved, it's ok.

Obama, please stop complimenting McCain...and why didn't you answer his question more throughly? Star rebuked.

Dude, if John McCain cries there's no way he'll lose the election...his tear ducts don't still work do they?

Have you guys been running smear campaigns? Great question, next time just ask them if they're both running for President.

Whoever makes Joe the Plumber shirts first is going to be rich...

Joe the Plumber...2008's You Forgot Poland

Anyone who considers Sarah Palin a role-model for women can only be described as mentally unstable.

Obama, out of all the flaws you could've pointed out on Sarah Palin, you chose to...compliment her.

Obama, stop smiling at McCain like a child looking at the Easter bunny, it's not helping.

Climate control...wouldn't surprise me.

Obama, the question was four years, not ten.

How soon can we have energy independence? How big were Exxon's lobbying checks?

You know it's interesting, both McCain and Obama seem to be left...handed.

I just had Deja Vu...Oh wait, the puppets are just reciting the same things and making the same accusations.

John McCain on Children Obesity: "We need to have physical fitness programs and wellness programs to fight children obesity...in my day I walked 15 miles in the snow to get to school!"

Joe the Plumber, apparently you're more important than the rest of us.

Oh no, socialized medicine, the evil evil concept! We could end up like Canada, or England! Meaning...we have affordable universal health care?

John's blinking AND smiling...creepy.

"You know the Democrats have been in charge of Congress the past two years?" Yes, Mr. McCain, I also remember you saying you would kill yourself if the Democrats won...reasonable reaction much?

"We pro-life people understand we need a change in America, we need a change and know that we need to start showing change and compassion"--John McCain

Compassion as in respecting a woman's body and right to choose?

Education sucks, what are we going to do about it? Remember, spending money and making tougher qualifications for teachers isn't an option.

No Child Left Behind didn't just leave the money behind, they left the logic behind.

Throwing money at the education problem won't help it! Apparently, however, creating more lax standards for teachers while at the same time increasing their salaries will work wonders.

Headache...Getting...Worse

"We've had a very healthy discussion, because I interrupted whenever the hell I felt like it."--John McCain

Hey, it's Joe the Plumber!

Still Newsworthy: Faux News-worthy

2008-10-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is apparently going heighten her rhetoric on abortion...I'll bring the whiskey you bring the beer, there's brain cells to be lost.

McCain recently said he'll "whip" Obama's "you know what" at the debate...He took back his statement when one of his advisers informed him that he couldn't bring a whip to the debate, not even for "that one."

In other news, John McCain blasted Georgia Rep. John Lewis for his statements hinting that John McCain and Sarah Palin "are sowing seeds of hatred and division." Wonder what would give him that crazy idea?

Obama recently accused McCain of "looking for distractions" from the actual campaign...after which Obama mentioned he has a new obsession with pie. He will put all further election activities on hold until the economic condition allow the average American to get Key Lime ingredients more feasibly.

Faux News recently did a segment on this year's connection between fashion and politics...Obama supporters everywhere are buying different Obama t-shirts with smart, hip, and witty phrases...not to be out-done, on the McCain side of the fence rich white dudes everywhere are flocking to Super Cuts.

The report leaves us all wondering, will the Faux News election coverage ever cover the election?

Debate Reviews

2008-10-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know it's a few days late, I've been freakishly busy.

I wasn't impressed with any of the debates.

A summary of the Obama-McCain Debate:
Obama kept telling John McCain he was right: "John's absolutely right," "well, in this case John is absolutely right, we're in agreement..." He did this over 10 times, I was counting. If high-school taught me anything, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to agree so much in a debate, but hell, what do I know?

John McCain kept singing praises for Ronald Regan.

So, basically, the moral of their debate: Regan was great!

Call me crazy, but that doesn't really solve anything now does it?

Not to mention, me, personally, never a Regan fan. I know what you're thinking, "how could you feel that way Ron? You guys have the SAME FIRST NAME for Christ Sakes!!"

I know, I'm unreasonable.

Review of the VP Debate:

Biden played soft.

Palin didn't play at all.

Playing Obama's style of non-confrontational, soft-hitting, we're-going-to-totally-isolate-every-undecided-voter-and-defeat-ourselves-as-the-Democrats-are-famous-for fashion...Biden agreed with Palin all too often. When did they plan out this strategy?

If I were Biden, I would've eventually called a time-out.

"Time out, time out, OK, American nation, I don't know if you caught this, but she just gave a shout-out to a bunch of third graders. Seriously. Did we all catch this? This is arguably among the most important elections in history, and she's talking to 8-year-olds and saying 'gosh-darnit'...Oh, did I forget to mention the guy she's running with makes up songs about bombing the shit out of countries and possibly starting a third world-war? Just checking, just making sure we all know this...Ok, next question."

One quick disclaimer would've made a world of difference.

As October Approaches...Sunday Wordage

2008-09-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

Mathematicians at UCLA have discovered a 13-million-digit prime number, a long-sought milestone that makes them eligible for a $100,000 prize...wow, $100,000 for classifying a number the general populace will probably never have use for...economic crisis much?

A Montana Grizzly Bear has been relocated for stealing honey from beehives...Animal activists and Winnie the Pooh fans everywhere are outraged.

Apparently Joe Biden is taking some time to prepare for the VP debates...if he bases his prep time on who his opponent is, I'm thinking half-time during the Redskins game should be sufficient.

The Rescue Bail Out Plan has been revealed. Fortunately, our courageous congress has, through their bi-partisan efforts, drafted some provisions so that Henry Paulson and all else are kept under control, for example:

Curbs will be placed on the compensation of executives at companies that sell mortgage assets to Treasury...Like most curbs on a given sidewalk, these curbs will be easy to step on or over.

An oversight board will be created. This board will consist of members of the Federal Reserve, the Securities Exchange Commission, and all those who were invited to Henry Paulson's last birthday party.

Well, at least now we can all sleep easier!

President george w. bush's To-Do-List

2008-09-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

1. Get money to friends at Wall-Street ($700-billion bail-out!)

2. Get some pressure off of Sarah Palin (John said she answered a few questions, she talked about 9/11 and that she supports McCain, when asked if she was going to support a candidate on trial for corruption, she played deaf...she's getting good!)

3. Get even MORE pressure off Sarah Palin (If this bail-out plan isn't resolved soon, they may cancel the VP debate! Good! Joe Biden knows way too many big words...)

4. Scare American people about financial crisis (Long over-due, fortunately not enough people listen to that Ron Paul fellow...And I made all those pro-economic statements in July...damn you Dick!)

5. Call both of the Candidates to Washington to discuss this issue. (John's going to make sure he issues the statement first so it appears that he's above politics and is a better bi-partisan leader...Heh! Who's gonna buy this shit?!?)

6. Add more Sammy Hagar to IPod. (Jenna said she'd help me. What can I say, he rocks!)

7. Read some Kurt Vonnegut. (Apparently he didn't like me much, I dunno, I've never heard of him)

8. Make sure there are plenty of distractions for the American public. (Karl and Jeb are going to call Rupert...Lindsay Lohan finally came out of the closet!)

9. Meeting at 1pm....

Comedy Benefit, Thursday, 9/11/08

2008-09-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

This coming Thursday there will be a comedy benefit at the Owl 'N' Thistle Irish Pub in Seattle. I'll be performing along with some other local comics. Camp Casey is a week long summer camp on Whidbey Island for children with physical disabilities. I had the opportunity to perform for those children several months ago and we had a wonderful time. We played improv games, told them a few jokes (watered down mind you), and we even sang some songs.

When you spend so many nights a week telling jokes that may or may not work to a room, usually full of other comedians that are just as cynical as you are, it's rewarding to be doing something truly positive.

I'm happy to be a part of this benefit and I encourage everyone to attend. It is only $5, which is less than a dollar a comic. All of the proceeds go directly to the camp, it costs them in the area of 40k a year to run the camp if I understand correctly, and that's not cheap.

So, if you can attend, that'd be wonderful. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment or message me. Feel free to learn more at http://www.campcasey.org

RNC Update

2008-09-04T10:36:00.001-07:00

John McCain's RNC speech is supposedly going to be tailored towards his acceptance of the nomination, and his differences with rival Barack Obama...how about his differences with george w. bush?

Rudy Giuliani made a monumental speech in which he referred to Barack Obama as the "least experienced candidate for president in the past 100 years," not to mention it was the first time Giuliani uttered a sentence without mentioning 9/11 since September 10, 2001.

Giuliani also blasted Barack Obama for his lack of leadership experience:

"He has never run a business," which is true, and we all know george w. bush has run businesses before, and his results were...umm...

"He's never run a military unit," which is also true, Barack does not have military experience, but John McCain does, and his results were...umm...

Huckabee spoke later, at which time he defended Palin's VP nomination.

"I am so tired of hearing about her lack of experience, I only want to hear about a lack of experience when it's convenient for my party, damn it!"

A group of protesters were arrested shortly after Rage Against the Machine's protest performance. Apparently with the Country and Western themed RNC it's a crime to like music that doesn't suck.

Sarah Palin

2008-08-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

So, the obvious: She's attractive. Yes, I know, shallow way to start but let's put those cards on the table. She's very attractive, she's young and according to the GOP she's a reformer, and by reformer they mean she wants to over-turn Roe v. Wade.

Some have called her a woman of the people, someone that's "one of us", which I agree with, if you open to work for the oil industry...or if you haven't been born yet.

Of course, it has come to the surface that the decision of Palin as VP was an attempt to attract Clinton supporters...When asked what her and Clinton had in common, McCain just shrugged: "Well, neither one would've had the right to vote when I was in high school...and, well, umm...hey, did you guys know there's a conflict between Georgia and Russia? be afraid damn it!"

Let's be blunt: An attractive woman--secures the surface vote. "Sarah Palin: She wants to drill Alaska as much as you want to drill her!"

Socially conservative--secures the religious right.

Ties to the oil industry, along with a reputation of abuse of power http://www.boomantribune.com/story/2008/8/29/11597/4437--secures the Big Oil agenda.

Last but not least, she has the potential to and will become the "celebrity" the Republicans were looking for.

At least now if McCain wins we can all look forward to the possibility of a leaked sex tape.

RNC/DNC Entertainment!

2008-08-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

So, the RNC has such entertainment as Gretchen Wilson, who has such hits as "Redneck Woman," in which she expresses her redneck pride.

According to Dictionary.com, a redneck is defined as such:

an uneducated white farm laborer.
A bigot or reactionary, esp. from the rural working class.

Would you want someone with a song that basically states "I'm an uneducated bigot and proud" to represent your convention?

The Beach Boys are also slated to perform, rumor has it John McCain is going to take out his dentures and join them for a sing-along. (bomb, bomb bomb...) barbaric!

Other performers include Cowboy Troy, John Rich, and Sammy Hagar, who still can't drive 55, but must not mind the high gas prices.

Look at the bright side Republicans, if country and western doesn't do it for you, there's bound to be great bands at all of the protests!

The DNC has a fairly long list as well including Willie Nelson, Black Eyed Peas, but most importantly Kayne West is on the bill which allowed the Democrats to come up with their newest convention slogan: "george bush doesn't care about us either."

So, since I'm on the topic of music, I'd like to mention that Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani recently had a son they named Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale...isn't it bad enough the kid will eventually have to hear a Bush album at some point in his life?

Really president bush?

2008-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

In regards to the Russia/Georgia conflict, which the American media has been incredibly fair and not biased at all in their coverage of (damn, smell that sarcasm), george w. bush issued the following statement towards Russia:

"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century."

In other news, Ron Jeremy recently stated "Getting naked on camera is no way to become famous."

Bill O'Reilly stated "Yelling and being obnoxious is no way to treat a guest on your talk show,"

and Michael Moore stated "Making movies and writing books is no way to express your point of view."

Obama's lost my vote IF...

2008-08-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

He picks Chuck Hagel as his V.P. Period. He's lost my vote. No, McCain won't get my vote. I won't vote. Judge me if you will, but I could not in my right mind cast a vote for Obama if he were to so blatantly invite the policy of the bush administration in for a third term when his whole platform up until this point, the platform that essentially won him the nomination, has trumpeted "change."

With exception to the Iraq war, Chuck Hagel parrots bush on nearly every issue.

His voting record is 90% conservative, 95% aligned with the bush administration.

He favors tax-cuts for the most wealthy.
He is extremely against a woman's right to choose.
He is opposed to the separation of Church and State.
He is opposed to gun control, and in fact is opposed to nearly any type of background check whatsoever.
He is opposed to public health care, and voted against adding 2-4 million children to SCHIP.
He voted yes on confirmation of Samuel Alito.

He was a finalist on george w. bush's VP list in May of 2002.

Is this the "change" we were expecting when lending our support to Mr. Obama?

OK, maybe I'm getting carried away, after all this is just heresy from CNN. Judging by Obama's recent attempts at appealing to the right, however, such an action would not shock me.

Such an action of gross bi-partisanship would be nothing more than an effort to obtain votes and secure a landslide, proving that, like most politicians, Obama cares more about winning an election than he does at having the type of presidency we the people have made it clear we want him to have.

Come on Obama, do the right thing here.

John Edwards cheated on his wife to prove to Ann Coulter he wasn't gay.

The general response to the affair's motivation has been "who cares?" and "what the hell gender is Ann Coulter anyway? Seriously, she's like the mystery flavored Dum-Dum lollipop of human beings...What an evil skeleton, someone please feed her a sandwich so she can stop talking."

Today John McCain stated "we are all Georgians"---someone immediately ran up to him and reminded him he was in Pennsylvania. "Fortunately," McCain later stated, "I was able to play it off due to some conflict in Russia."

Another McShame

2008-08-05T14:04:00.001-07:00

John McCain has apparently been singing his own praises in regards to his support of the MLK holiday. From a conference in Panama City, FL:

"I am proud of that record, from fighting for the recognition of Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday in my state to sponsoring specific legislation that would prevent discrimination in any shape or form in America today."

Like most politicians, his rhetoric differs from his voting record when it suits him. Here is a summary of facts compliments of Crooks and Liars:

FACT: McCain Supported Republican AZ Governor’s Decision To Rescind MLK Holiday. ABC News reported, “In Arizona, a bill to recognize a holiday honoring MLK failed in the legislature, so then-Gov. Bruce Babbitt, a Democrat, declared one through executive order. In January 1987, the first act of Arizona’s new governor, Republican Evan Mecham, was to rescind the executive order by his predecessor to create an MLK holiday. Arizona’s stance became a national controversy. McCain backed the decision at the time.” [ABC News, 4/3/08]

FACT: McCain Supported Gov. Evan Mecham’s Decision In 1987 To Rescind Martin Luther King Jr. Day. As reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer, “In a vote likely to haunt him for the rest of his public career, McCain voted against 1983 legislation establishing the third Monday in January as the federal holiday marking King’s birthday. Back home in Arizona, he supported Gov. Evan Mecham’s decision in 1987 to rescind an executive order creating a state holiday for King, but later reversed his position.” [Philadelphia Inquirer, 6/16/08]

FACT: McCain Voted Against Creating Martin Luther King Holiday. In 1983, McCain voted against a motion to suspend the rules and pass a bill to designate the third Monday of every January as a federal holiday in honor of the late civil rights leader, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The motion passed 89-77. [HR 3706, Vote 289, 8/2/83; CQ 1983]

Nice try McShame.

In other news, george w. bush is holding a conference with several officials in support of a non-profit single payer health care system. During his speech he plans to highlight his continued support of Universal Health Care including his never-ending fight in favor of SCHIP...Of course he wants to see our children insured, hell, what would Jesus do?

In addition, Rick Santorum will be speaking to the Human Rights Committee in which he plans to highlight his continued support of Gay Rights including Gay Marriage.

Dick Cheney might not attend the Republican National Convention. The big question on my mind: Who will Fred Thompson blame for the farting?

On the Faux News count for today: 11 out of 18 headlines are more appropriate for a gossip column than a news source.

Wal Mart: We Tell Our Wage-Slaves How to Vote too!

2008-08-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

From the Wall-Street Journal:

"In recent weeks, thousands of Wal-Mart store managers and department heads have been summoned to mandatory meetings at which the retailer stresses the downside for workers if stores were to be unionized.

According to about a dozen Wal-Mart employees who attended such meetings in seven states, Wal-Mart executives claim that employees at unionized stores would have to pay hefty union dues while getting nothing in return, and may have to go on strike without compensation. Also, unionization could mean fewer jobs as labor costs rise.

"'The meeting leader said, 'I am not telling you how to vote, but if the Democrats win, this bill will pass and you won't have a vote on whether you want a union,'" said a Wal-Mart customer-service supervisor from Missouri. 'I am not a stupid person. They were telling me how to vote,' she said."

As if Wal-Mart doesn't control enough already. My favorite part about this article was the blatant bias shown by the Wall-Street Journal at various points:

"The actions by Wal-Mart -- the nation's largest private employer -- reflect a growing concern among big business that a reinvigorated labor movement could reverse years of declining union membership. That could lead to higher payroll and health costs for companies already being hurt by rising fuel and commodities costs and the tough economic climate."

Wow. Really? The fact that Wall-Street has, quite frankly, the balls to hint that Wal-Mart is hurting by rising fuel and commodities cost is quite comical bordering insulting.

The Walton family takes home billions and billions every year while denying their employees basic benefits and reaping communities for their amenities, but most people don't care because hell, that sweatshirt only costs 29 cents.

Heaven forbid employees get higher wages, they might spend it, and stimulate the economy, we don't want that do we? Oh, wait, we do, just as long as it's from the upper-class only, sorry, I forgot.

But, of course it's not unreasonable to say Wal-Mart is hurting financially. Just as it's not unreasonable to say Rush Limbaugh is hurting from a lack of pie, Paris Hilton is hurting from a lack of media attention, and the American media is hurting from a lack of stupidity.

The World I Really Don't Know and None of Us Do

2008-07-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

First, I want to get something off my chest. We do have a bit of Obama-mania going on in this country. Now, I am supporting Obama for president, not because I think he's a great candidate, but because I think he is a reasonable candidate, and one that has a better shot at repairing some of the damage done to this country. I said some.

Now, that being said, there are many people I have encountered in my life, many of whom I respect their ideas and opinions, and some I would go as far to say I look up to to some degree, that are truly inspired by Obama. People have compared him to JFK, Martin Luther King, and other people of that magnitude. Judge me if you will, but to me this is nothing short of insulting.

The courage displayed by those two men is something Obama will never even begin to touch in his lifetime. And if Barack Obama is seen as some revolutionary by today's standards, then big brother's already won.

First of all, Obama has never challenged the Fed the way JFK did. If anyone in the political arena today should be compared to JFK in the true regard it should be Ron Paul. Notice how I said if anyone.

Second, let's review some of Obama's recent decisions, from Amy Goodman's Democracy Now:

"In an apparent reversal, Obama backed a new bill authorizing the Bush administration's domestic spy program and granting immunity for the telecom companies that took part. He also supported a Supreme Court decision to overturn a D.C. handgun ban. On foreign policy, Obama said he'd be open to revise his pledge to withdraw US troops from Iraq and also called for a major increase to the size of the US occupation of Afghanistan. And like all top Democratic leaders, Obama has refused to support calls for the prosecution of President Bush and top White House officials for war crimes and other abuses of power."

Obama's a politician. And while I feel his international appeal and speaking ability would make his presidency a positive change for this country, albeit a baby-step, to put him on the pedestal people in this country are placing him on is nothing short of delusional--something many people in this country have needed to resort to when taking a look out the window.

OK, that feels better.

In South Carolina people are saying the Christian license plates have gone too far. There is a new license plate that says "I Believe" and is emboldened by a bright yellow cross. People say this comes across as discriminatory against non-Christians. I say, let them have plates about their religion, but that being said there should be plates for some of the other sides as well, with phrases on them. Here are a few ideas:

"My only mental crutch is pot...hey, at least mine's real."

"I don't believe, I prefer to seek."

"Don't you guys believe 'Thou shalt not judge?'"

"If God's proud of his creation than He's an underachiever."

"I have my beliefs but I don't feel the need to broadcast them."

"Nobody cares about your imaginary friend."

In the Faux News headline count: Out of 16 headlines, 9 were headlines dealing with entertainment or bizarre news fit for a tabloid.

John McCain...UnCensored!!!

2008-07-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

The New York Times rejected an essay written by the one and only John McCain. While they claim the rejection was simply based on procedure and they plan on publishing his piece in the future, I feel this censorship is unjust to the American people. We need to hear what our candidates have to say, regardless of how lousy they are, I mean, may be.

In pursuit of the truth, I did one of the heaviest dives of investigating ever performed in my writing career: I sought out the unedited version of McCain's essay!

CNN posted something, but I wasn't so easily fooled. This is something, but it's not the gravy, this isn't the true, raw, unfiltered pen and paper substance ideas that we've come to depend on none other than John McCain for! So...my investigation began.

To protect the privacy of those involved, I have provided a near-verbatim transcription of my adventure.

The day began with me calling the McCain campaign. I did this through use of my personal cell phone. This is a hand-held device that can be used to make phone calls. I dialed the number of John McCain's campaign office. Their number is (703) 418-2008. I found this information via John McCain's website, there was tab, albeit hidden, that read "Contact Us." The detective in me came out.

I talked to an older fellow, much older than myself, yet we had one thing in common...our pursuit of truth.

OG=Old Guy

OG: John McCain headquarters, where foreigners die and Viagra flies!

Me: Hello sir, in pursuit of the truth I would like a copy of John McCain's controversial essay, the one the New York Times rejected.

OG: In my day, we didn't have newspapers, we wrote on stone tablets and...

Me: Sir, I understand your frustration and believe me, no one feels your pain as much as I, but the truth is bigger than both of us sir, I need this piece to publish on my blog.

OG: Blog?

Me: Yes sir, it is an electronic collection of ideas housed on the internet, and from there people may dive into the truth of...

OG: Internet? What's this hocus-pocus all about?

Me: Sir, trust me on this one, do you trust me?

OG: Yes, in fact, I think I'm in love with you.

Me: Nice

OG: I will send you your desired essay, can you receive smoke signals?

Me: No, but fortunately my assistant Lucy has that ability. Lucy, to the window.

OG: Where do you live kind sir?

Me: Seattle.

OG: On its way.

At this point my assistant Lucy went to the window. Lucy, being a cat, lacked the ability to verbally deliver the essay to me, but thanks to her assistance we were able to decipher the essay between the two of us.

Me: Thank you sir, your efforts will not go unrewarded. Know that the general populace is genuinely appreciative.

OG: Thus ends our correspondence?

Me: Sadly, yes. I have work to do, and this can not wait.

OG: Well then, don't turn around, I don't want you to see my heart breaking.

Me: The truth is not easy, god-speed sir!

Then I went straight to my computer, and I promise you fellow experiment failures, this is the unfiltered words straight from the man's pen:

In January 2007, when General David Petraeus took command in Iraq, he called the situation "hard" but not "hopeless." Today, 18 months later, violence has fallen by up to 80% to the lowest levels in four years, and Sunni and Shiite terrorists are reeling from a string of defeats...So now it's time to bomb, bomb, bomb....bomb bomb Iran!

Progress has been due primarily to an increase in the number of troops and a change in their strategy. I was an early advocate of the surge at a time when it had few supporters in Washington. Senator Barack Obama was an equally vocal opponent. You know who else wasn't in favor of it, my wife...But you know what, she's a c*nt!! (Edited for children, sorry, I guess I was a bit off on the unfiltered part).

The success of the surge has not changed Senator Obama's determination to pull out all of our combat troops. All that has changed is his rationale. In a New York Times op-ed and a speech this week, he offered his "plan for Iraq" in advance of his first "fact finding" trip to that country in more than three years. It consisted of the same old proposal to pull all of our troops out within 16 months. In 2007 he wanted to withdraw because he thought the war was lost. If we had taken his advice, it would have been. Now he wants to withdraw because he thinks Iraqis no longer need our assistance. That's total nonsense, of course they need our assistance. There are still plenty of "Weapons of Mass Destruction" there. I use quotes to try to make Barack Obama look less legitimate. And it's going to work damn it!!

To make this point, he mangles the evidence. He makes it sound as if Prime Minister Maliki has endorsed the Obama timetable, when all he has said is that he would like a plan for the eventual withdrawal of U.S. troops at some unspecified point in the future...Ok, so basically he asked for a withdrawal timetable, well, since I'm so good at quoting classic rock 'n' roll songs when it comes to serious matters, here's another one: "You can't always get what you want!"

I am also dismayed that he never talks about winning the war?(Yes, McCain put a question mark here, not sure why) only of ending it. But if we don't win the war, our enemies will. A triumph for the terrorists would be a disaster for us. That is something I will not allow to happen as president. Instead I will continue implementing a proven counterinsurgency strategy not only in Iraq but also in Afghanistan with the goal of creating stable, secure, self-sustaining democratic allies. If there's one thing we have right now, it's spectacular foreign relations, I will continue this trend by nonchalantly verbalizing plans to bomb the hell out of anybody that pisses me off! And let me tell you America, I have quite a few hemorrhoids to content with.

I remember back in my high school days there were these people down south that were trying to stir things up, they didn't want to be part of the Union. Well, Lincoln set them straight. I remember thinking, someday I may have to set the U.S.A. straight again! Well, that time has come. Vote for me and we'll have short-term solutions for our energy crisis that will make the oil companies richer and save you a few dollars while solving nothing! We'll have continued war, and don't forget improved health care, if you happen to need Viagra.

Now where's my gramophone? I've got some rocking out to do.

Unlikely pairs Unlikely times

2008-07-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton have come together to lend their support to WeCanSolveIt, a non-profit, non-partisan effort started by Al Gore....Think that's crazy? Word on the street is that Michael Moore and george w. bush both have the same favorite beer!

Seriously though, it's nice that Pat Robertson is concerned and against the destruction of the environment...too bad he doesn't feel the same way about humans.

Nancy Pelosi blames the "Two Oil Men" for high-gas prices. The two oil men she's referring to are george bush and dick cheney. Wow, Nancy, that was ground breaking, and oh so original. Honestly, out of the million things one could blame those two disasters for, high oil prices isn't necessarily one of them. There's so many factors involved there, rise in international demand, finite resources, etc. Perhaps Nancy wanted to try to point fingers to divert attention away from the fact that the democrats have "compromised" with republicans and will now be permitting off-shore drilling. The compromise is that they will "seek renewable resources."

Oh, American Politics, vague, bland, and completely unpromising. The compromise: republicans get what they want, and democrats play make-believe.

Faux News "Most Read" Count: Out of 16 headlines 10 of them dealt with entertainment. 3 U.S. soldiers were put in one of the most dangerous situations possible in Afghanistan, without proper reinforcements, all three dead. They were days away from redeployment. At least one of them was there because he was saving up for school. It was among the most deadly outbreaks of violence on both sides in months. Over at Faux there's more important things though, Dark Knight is out! And what's new with Katie Holmes?!?!?!

In the corner of my Faux News page was an advertisement for a Nine Inch Nails concert in Seattle. He'll be playing at the Key Arena next Saturday. That same night I'll be performing across the street at Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Never in my life had I wanted to be that close to something as lame as a Nine Inch Nails concert. Seriously Trent, you made a million dollars off an album you made on an Apple computer, life can't be that bad buddy.

The League of First Time Voters Is Pure Fraud

2008-07-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my first time watching the CNN piece "The League of First Time Voters." This is a segment where they take a group of should-have-been-blow-jobs, I mean, children, and talk to them about "adult"issues concerning politics.

Rick Sanchez is the host of this fluff segment and the issues he brought to the table were abortion, same-sex marriage, and the war in Iraq.

I found it interesting that the first "major issue" was abortion. Although I can sympathize with both sides of the issue (if I had to be labeled it'd be pro-choice), I don't consider abortion a major issue, it's a woman's body, she should have a choice. The sickness is that the issue of abortion has become a gimmick employed by the Right in our plutocracy to pull at the heart-strings of Christian-minded individuals and win votes. CNN nearly parroted this by bringing it into this discussion with children. Not to mention, this segment continued to limit the discourse on the subject, since children haven't developed analytical and verbal skills as much as adults (in most cases).

Next issue I think it goes without saying I can not sympathize with both sides, and I think should once and for all be a non-issue. Why should someone by denied the right to marry based on their sexual orientation? This is nothing more than discrimination, no less absurd than making people sit in certain sections of a bus based on the color of their skin, and once again a tool for the Right. They used the issue of Gay Marriage countless times over the past few years to lure Americans away from the situation in Iraq and the rising energy prices...they were successful.

Honestly, if a homosexual couple lives together in a loving relationship they should have the right to marriage and all of the potential financial benefits a marriage provides. (I'm pretty sure those are the only types of benefits a marriage provides, but I can't completely knock what I haven't tried).

Third issue was the war. The CNN moguls didn't want to completely piss on the general public and cater to the powers that be, so they threw in an issue that can't really be used for personal gains in there and let the children talk about it. And the kids did have opinions, probably which they got from their parents.

This is just another attempt to dumb-down the societal discourse from our mainstream media, which is already laughable and embarrassing at best, only this time they've gone as low as to use children in this endeavor.

If I wanted to hear dialogue on a child's level of intelligence I'd simply pay more attention to Tucker Carlson.

Jesse Jackson!

2008-07-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

OK, so by now we've all heard about Rev. Jesse Jackson's remarks towards Obama, and of course Rev. Jackson has apologized for said remarks and re-stated his dedication to Obama and the campaign.

Here's the thing though, he said he wanted to cut his nuts off.

Sure people say things they don't mean, a guy might get mad at another guy and say, "hey, I'm gonna kick your ass!" But you usually don't hear "hey, I'm gonna cut off your balls!" Usually at that point the other guy would just be like, "whoa, that's creepy."

What do you think it'll be like the next time they see each other? Do you think Obama will try to make light of it and try to play it off? "Hey there Jesse, should I be wearing a cup? (Laughs)...No, it's ok, I know you're sorry."

Personally I think Obama should make a statement, it'd make things a bit more light hearted if he just came out and said something along the lines of "So, Jesse Jackson said he wanted to cut off my penis...as a politician you face some odd opposition at times." Then he can publicly brush it off.

The McCain campaign might have a brand new slogan: "John McCain: Rev. Jesse Jackson wants him to keep his penis."

In brighter news I had a revelation, complete and thorough. I didn't know this, but all of the problems this country has been facing domestically and internationally are, in fact, imaginary.

Thank you Phil Gramm ever so much for helping me see the light! I'm going to go outside and see that gasoline hasn't risen 85% in price and I'm going to take a road-trip all the way to Southern California.

I'm going to wake-up tomorrow and find out that all of our international conflict is over and I'll get to see my cousin, a Marine serving in Iraq (he was supposed to be completely finished in 2005, but he's still over there), next week.

Then I'm going to go out and buy some new CDs, furniture and some killer seafood because, like all Americans according to Phil Gramm, I have way more disposable income than I realize and this economy is soaring!

Everyone tune in next week to the new high-definition radio show: "Make Believe with Phil Gramm---where everything is A-OK!"

Gold and Showers

2008-07-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, Honk Kong entrepreneur Lam Sai-wing has begun the decomposition of his "Swisshorn" gold palace, which has contained, at its peak, six tons of gold. He did this due to economic uncertainty, along with the value of gold. Which part of the house did he refuse to melt down? You guessed it, the toilet. "No matter how much this economy is in the shitter, you're not getting my shitter!" Lam quipped.

It just goes to show there are some things money can't buy, however one thing money can buy is a gold toilet, and really, would a gold toilet be all that comfortable?

Faux News has been referring to themselves as America's election headquarters, which makes sense since they've proven in the past they have the ability to pick who wins.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki has raised the prospect of setting a timetable for the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq...Apparently Cowboy diplomacy involves wearing out your (un)welcome...big time.

New Zealand rugby fans watching a regular sports program got a 4 minute dose of hardcore pornography instead on Sunday afternoon. The pornography was intended for a Pay Per View Channel, but somehow found it's way onto the Rugby Channel.

According to the BBC "some fans were shocked by the unexpected pornography."

The others were pleasantly surprised.

Darcy Burner/News Highlights

2008-07-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

A college student at the University of Minnesota is being pressed with criminal charges because he posted his vote on E-bay. Whoever was the winning bidder, he would cast his vote for the candidate of their choice--It'd be ironic if the high-bidder was a Nader supporter.

The student's actions violated an 1893 law which makes it a crime to buy or sell a vote. The student could be facing up to 5 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. A bit extreme, considering election fraud goes unpunished in this country.

As for the bidding, the vote received no bids. Apparently, American citizens feel that having one vote that doesn't count is enough.

Recently John McCain was accused of having acted inappropriately toward a one time associate of Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega. Apparently he forcefully grabbed the associate by the collar in 1987, shortly after his 90th birthday.

The source here is Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran. According to Cochran McCain is erratic and hot-tempered. Old, cranky, hot-tempered, erratic and irrational, if that doesn't say time to heal up those foreign relations and spread some peace I don't know what does!

In more serious news, Darcy Burner, Congressional hopeful for Washington's 8th District, lost her home and cat several nights ago. Fortunately, she and her family are safe and escaped uninjured. Her Ames Lake home caught fire early Tuesday morning, and burned down to the ground at a very rapid pace.

There are not many politicians out there that I feel good about, to be quite frank, but I consider myself very fortunate here in Washington because I think there are some people here that are doing amazing things, and are people that I truly consider the good guys. Darcy Burner is certainly one of them. Darcy has done some remarkable work with the military and continues her efforts in ending the conflict in Iraq. She has also contributed immense amounts of support to the Health Care reform initiatives jump-started by several non-profits and Jim McDermott(Washington's 7th) and his staff, some of whom I have had the pleasure of meeting and have had discussions with.

I've had the pleasure of meeting Darcy several times and I've performed for her once. She's an absolutely wonderful individual, I'm really impressed by her, and if I lived in the 8th District she'd have my vote hands down. (I live in the 7th). Also, I'd like to extend my appreciation to MoveOn.org for making a post in regards to Darcy so rapidly. I wish Darcy and her family the very best in this time of need.

Fun with Laws

2008-07-01T13:12:00.001-07:00

In order to save gas and boost morale some states have started regulated four-day work weeks. "Wow," thought the apathetic little misanthrope in me, "a new left-hook in the American work culture's right eye, lovely!" Yes, I was excited. Where, I thought, could I move to take part in this phenomenon?

Wait for it, ARKANSAS!!! Or perhaps if I wanted to be more adventurous, UTAH!! You know, 5-day work weeks sound just fine, just fine indeed.

Of course, the 4-day work week is four ten-hour days. The best part is that this regulation includes truck drivers...their routes are exactly the same, workload doesn't change, and the motivation behind this 4-day work week is to save gas....hmmm....Poor truck drivers...cramming a 5-day run into 4 can't be easy, but supposedly this will boost morale.

"A" for effort Arkansas and Utah.

Since we're on the topic of driving, in California they're trying to pass a law that prohibits talking on your cell phone unless you have a headset.

One thing they didn't outlaw, text messaging. Yes, text messaging is a-OK, I mean, why not, you have an extra foot to drive with.

A Pleasant Sequence

2008-06-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

Friday night I was hosting the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club here in Seattle. It was my first time back since I had been out of town and I had really missed doing time there. It felt great to be back, but there was definitely a part of me that was a tad bit bummed out that I was going to miss the Flipper show.

Both shows were super-fun, so let's move on from the show right away shall we? Awesome. As soon as the second show ended I dashed over to the Funhouse, the venue Flipper was playing at. As I walked in the guy at the door informed me the show had ended. "They might do an encore though, here, I'll stamp your hand and you can go in." He didn't charge me anything which was pretty cool. I go in, and there was no encore, however I looked to my left and saw Chris Cornell from Sound Garden, and then directly behind me was Krist Noveselic, ex-Nirvana bassist. Everybody at the venue at this point seemed to all know each other and be friends with all the bands. These were the people that probably watched Nirvana slowly become famous, they weren't 3,000 miles away and too young to discover anything until after Kurt had died like I was.

So, needless to say I was trying not to look like a total fool, but I couldn't help but feel a little star-struck. Plus, I was drunk. I got to say hello to Krist, told him I enjoyed his column, he thanked me and we shook hands.

The rest of the weekend went fine, but now I'm tired and in a lousy mood. Sunday nights are when I usually do most of my thinking, I think about what I'm doing and where I'm heading--I'm heading the same place we're all heading, hence reason to be in a lousy mood. This novel has been in the works for way too long, I'm either going to shit or get off the pot. I work on books all day for a living, so all too often I'm simply not up for working on my own. I've nothing to complain about though, I've just adapted a bad habit which I need to break.

Moving on, I managed to miss all of the Euro games this year. They were all playing at a Soccer pub right down the street from my apartment, but I still managed to miss every single one. I need to start using an alarm again.

I'm stoked for the new Batman movie, I'm beginning the process by re-watching Batman Begins as soon as Netflix delivers. I'm also stoked for the new Hunter S. documentary.

Ok, no politics or news jokes this round, I kind of just wanted to think out loud for a bit and document my weekend.

Two Words

2008-06-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

We all have heard that Obama's big slogan is "yes, we can." Which, in my opinion, is a catchy slogan.

Today, John McCain's camp released an anti-Obama add referring to him as "Dr. No." Which, in my opinion, is unoriginal.

Political discourse in this country has been reduced to two words, not only two words but two words that have nods to accompany them.

Yes, it's true America, Big Brother thinks we're that dumb.

Obama says no on this, McCain doesn't say no on that, Obama says yes on this, McCain doesn't say yes on that. This black-and-white surface-oriented mode of logic is exactly how the people in power want you to think and exactly how they want you to vote.

Earlier today I spilled some coffee on my shirt and I haven't gotten changed yet. The life of a writer can be beyond isolating.

I saw "American Drug War" last night and I enjoyed it very much. There have been some incredibly quality documentaries released over the past year or so, and thanks to my new NetFlix account as well as Google Video and Freedocumentaries.org, I've been able to keep up on most everything for cheap.

Anyway, there are some great interviews from Ricky Ross and Tommy Chong, not to mention some in-depth comparisons between the U.S. drug policies and Amsterdam's. I highly recommend the film, I was going to write a review, but I've never been able to write decent movie reviews...I either recommend something or I don't. In this case, I recommend it.

I have a comedy bit I refer to as the anti-drug war poem. It's where I talk about being "Peter the Pill-Poppin' Penguin," and instead of trying to scare kids into not using drugs, I try to get them to educate themselves and question things instead. While it's a fairly radical bit on the surface, I think the overall message of education and nurturing versus fear and manipulation comes across. Meaning, I haven't gotten a negative response from doing the bit yet! I only close with it though, and I only do it if I've been on stage for 20 minutes or so, I never do it for shorter sets.

In San Francisco voters are supporting the idea of naming a local sewage plant after george w. bush. Personally, I find this insulting, there's no comparison between bush and a sewage plant, a sewage plant serves many positive purposes and benefits society immensely. Our lives would be worse if sewage plants didn't exist.

San Francisco, when will you end your fecal matter intolerance? Or as I like to call it, turdism.

George Carlin

2008-06-23T14:09:00.001-07:00

I refused to blog about it as soon I found out, I told myself I'd wait. I'd be too big of a downer otherwise, probably am going to be regardless but so be it. I found out last night, late. I had been hanging out with a few comic friends of mine, we went to the Solstice Parade in Seattle, got some Pho for dinner and then rented a movie.

Ironically enough at one point in the day I was at my friend's apartment and there was a Kurt Vonnegut book sitting on the couch. I said, "man, this is one of my favorite comedians, I remember when I found out he died." This sparked a conversation on the deaths of different icons and people that played inspirational roles in our lives even though we never met them.

So, I called my comedy friends when I found out Carlin died, they had just left my apartment so I knew chances were they hadn't heard yet. After that I watched clip after clip, and then I kind of just sat on my couch until I knew I was tired enough that I could actually fall asleep.

I don't want to get overly sentimental here, I get annoyed when I see people speaking of celebrities and public figures as if they actually knew the person. But seriously, just look at these last 5 years:
Johnny Cash
Kurt Vonnegut
Hunter S. Thompson
and now of course George Carlin...

Four voices that not only are gone, but gone at a time when they are needed more than ever, especially Vonnegut, Thompson, and Carlin.

It's hard to have a pleasant day when we need to deal with the realization that George Carlin is dead and george w. bush is still the president.

I encourage everyone to do something today that they enjoy doing, go to the lake, spend time with friends and family, make a few long-needed phone calls, we've all earned it.

...And I thought George Orwell was a fiction writer!

2008-06-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

I was wrong, in actuality he had the ability to look into the future.

Yes, the "compromise" surveillance bill has passed. Our civil liberties held at gun-point, our 4th Amendment, for the most part, non-existent. You know, when I read the news most of the time these days I can't help but think to myself, "damn, I'm not a good enough comedian to find anything funny about this."

This new surveillance law allows the government to wire-tap its citizens without court permission while simultaneously granting amnesty to the initial wrong-doers, namely the telecommunication companies and the bush administration.

"Surely Ron, there must be some provisions? The government can't just wire-tap whoever they want, that'd be unconstitutional wouldn't it?"

We'll find out once somebody digs the constitution out of george bush's garbage can.

But, there are in fact some provisions: The government can only spy on citizens without a court order if they would miss out on "important information" otherwise. Such descriptive language assures that our civil liberties would be protected.

Important information of course ranges from potential terrorist threats, international conspiracies against the U.S., and potential brownie recipes from Grandma Smith. Do you dislike the president? Talk on the phone about it and they'll find out.

This bill was supported by Barack Obama. It's true. Although, he doesn't agree that amnesty should be given to the telecoms...umm, then why did he back a bill that gave them said amnesty?

That's like saying "I support Taco Bell but am complete opposed to cheap, delicious, crunch-wrap supremes!!" Well, maybe you shouldn't support Taco Bell.

Maybe, just maybe, Obama shouldn't have supported this bill. A bill to enhance security in a manner that interferes with our civil liberties as little as absolutely possible is one thing, to give amnesty to people who broke the law, and give unreasonable amounts of spying power to government officials through vague wording is something entirely different.

The bush administration has literally pissed all over this democratic congress, and they've let it happen. From war funding, to oil, and now to our civil liberties, I wasted a night of celebration in November of 2006.

Check out this interview...

2008-06-19T12:04:00.001-07:00

http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/features/workshop-essay/v-vale-interview

One of my favorite independent publishers, Vale's brilliant, was a mighty fun interview.

The Tabloids are coming!

2008-06-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

And not a moment too soon. I was reading the news today, as I often do, great way to start of the day eh? Read the news, see what's going on in the world, come off just a little less hopeless than before, just a little, somehow get the gull to dress and move on.

Anyway, there was an article about Michelle Obama and her appearance in some of the tabloids. She's a great mom, never missed a child's recital, shops at Target, loves Sex and the City, just your average everyday middle-aged American female. Sure she's an essential part to the most significant presidential race in U.S. history, but who cares about that, where'd she get her latest wardrobe??

As Us Weekly Editor Jan Min said: "People want to know can you drink a beer with them, or, in the case of our reader, a cosmo." Great input Min, really. That's a spectacular question to ask, can I drink a beer with them? After all, that attitude produces wonderful results, just look at 2004.

Thanks to Jan and the rest of the tabloid-sugar-pushing wastelands I learned that Obama's favorite food is Chili and his preferred reading material is "Harry Potter." I'd like to think it would disturb us all that our potential-next-President's preferred reading is a children's book, but considering our current President, nothing should come as shocking or surprising.

I, personally, don't enjoy children's books. I know "Harry Potter" has had a very wide appeal and has done extremely well, which is fine. But it's not for me. I'm going to be dull here and stick with grown-up books. Besides, there are some crazy people out there that have written children's books---like Hitler and Bill O'Reilly.

In even less significant news, Burger King just launched the world's most expensive burger, costing $200. The burger is called...you guess it...The Burger. Most people I know that go to Burger King refuse to order anything that's not on the dollar menu.

A BK spokesman said: "The Burger reflects our ongoing commitment for producing for a range of different pockets."

Which pocket does a $200 burger fall into? The "I have too much money and an instant artery-clogging death wish" pocket? Thought so.