Laura Bush has a memoir coming out. Topics include the potential poisoning her and gw were victim to in Germany and that her husband's main priority as president was preventing an attack...you can find this in the Fiction section of all major bookstores.
Laura Bush also mentions that a 1963 car crash in Texas that killed a schoolmate caused loss of faith, to bad that didn't have the same effect on her husband or we could've avoided all that abstinence only bs. The moral of the story: blame an invisible supreme being in the sky when you run a stop sign. The insurance company will buy it, promise.
The Federal Reserve issued their statement in regards to the current economy. Transcription below:
"Oops...our bad...party foul...f@!k it, let's go bowling!"
Goldman Executives issued a statement saying they have "No Regrets"...Ted Nugent is already working on the tribute song.
"We've got No Regrets!
We made some rockin' bets!
We've got money, we've got power,
O what a bummer, your deal went sour!"
(insert cow bell)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A Little Pittsburgh Riffin'
Do you think if the Pope coached the Pittsburgh Steelers we never would've heard about the Roethlisberger thing but then he would've randomly been traded to another team and we'd all wonder why?
I'll be at Spring Carnival at Carnegie Mellon University this Friday, 5:30pm. There could be thunder-storms, and no I don't mean that in the cheesy faux-wrestling advertisement way, I mean literally, it may storm. I did a folk festival once in the Western Washington mountains where it stormed the entire weekend and people were staying in tents. I was the MC in between bands. I'd try to do a joke and I'd look at the band huddled on the stage, trying to keep their instruments dry because the stage was leaking, waiting for me to introduce them and get the hell of stage. I guess what I'm getting at is no matter what this shouldn't be a new experience per se, but could be interesting. At the end of the day, there's nothing stopping me from heading over to Panther Hollow with any and all friends in attendance. So come on down to Carnival rain or shine. Now that was cheesy faux-wrestling for ya.
I just got back from New York last night, had a long day, so tonight I nestled up to the Penguins' game. I've always been fascinated by the post-game locker room interviews after a tough loss. I'm no athlete but I kind of feel like a bad game is similar to a bad set from an emotional stand point. In fact I remember once last year during the Stanley Cup tournament I was hosting a weekend in Seattle. The first show was beyond awful. Small crowd, no energy, I was the host so I was up first. Tried everything I could to get them into it with no avail, boy did I shit the bed. Set the tone for the rest of the show, everybody bombed, even the headliner eventually just started rattling off his jokes like a laundry list. The next day the Penguins blew it against the Red Wings, big time. Fleury let go 5 goals and had to be pulled. I was watching the game with one of the comics from the show last night, "that's me dude, holy shit, I was Fleury last night, that's what that set felt like, please let tonight not be a train wreck." Go figure that night both shows were sold out and the crowds were great...and of course the Pens went on to win the Cup.
Anyway, post-game locker room, I don't know how those guys keep their composure all the time, if I had to have a post-set interview after a bad set, a really bad set, it wouldn't be pretty...
"Well Ron, really tough set tonight, crowd wasn't into you, guess that confederate flag in the corner of the venue could've been an indicator that this just wasn't going to be your night..."
"Stupid people are breeding, they're the only ones breeding, I'm not funny, there's nothing to hold on to, as a species we're done."
"...ok, actually the question was 'would you have changed your closer?'"
"Your mom's a closer."
I'll be at Spring Carnival at Carnegie Mellon University this Friday, 5:30pm. There could be thunder-storms, and no I don't mean that in the cheesy faux-wrestling advertisement way, I mean literally, it may storm. I did a folk festival once in the Western Washington mountains where it stormed the entire weekend and people were staying in tents. I was the MC in between bands. I'd try to do a joke and I'd look at the band huddled on the stage, trying to keep their instruments dry because the stage was leaking, waiting for me to introduce them and get the hell of stage. I guess what I'm getting at is no matter what this shouldn't be a new experience per se, but could be interesting. At the end of the day, there's nothing stopping me from heading over to Panther Hollow with any and all friends in attendance. So come on down to Carnival rain or shine. Now that was cheesy faux-wrestling for ya.
I just got back from New York last night, had a long day, so tonight I nestled up to the Penguins' game. I've always been fascinated by the post-game locker room interviews after a tough loss. I'm no athlete but I kind of feel like a bad game is similar to a bad set from an emotional stand point. In fact I remember once last year during the Stanley Cup tournament I was hosting a weekend in Seattle. The first show was beyond awful. Small crowd, no energy, I was the host so I was up first. Tried everything I could to get them into it with no avail, boy did I shit the bed. Set the tone for the rest of the show, everybody bombed, even the headliner eventually just started rattling off his jokes like a laundry list. The next day the Penguins blew it against the Red Wings, big time. Fleury let go 5 goals and had to be pulled. I was watching the game with one of the comics from the show last night, "that's me dude, holy shit, I was Fleury last night, that's what that set felt like, please let tonight not be a train wreck." Go figure that night both shows were sold out and the crowds were great...and of course the Pens went on to win the Cup.
Anyway, post-game locker room, I don't know how those guys keep their composure all the time, if I had to have a post-set interview after a bad set, a really bad set, it wouldn't be pretty...
"Well Ron, really tough set tonight, crowd wasn't into you, guess that confederate flag in the corner of the venue could've been an indicator that this just wasn't going to be your night..."
"Stupid people are breeding, they're the only ones breeding, I'm not funny, there's nothing to hold on to, as a species we're done."
"...ok, actually the question was 'would you have changed your closer?'"
"Your mom's a closer."
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Following Should NOT be April Fools' Jokes
Population:
1. Honey...I'm pregnant!
2. Babe, I know you want kids and I don't...As a healthy compromise I got us a dog and myself a vasectomy, surprise!
3. Ann Coulter just gave birth to twin girls.
In the office:
4. Go up to your boss eating a fiber bar and say "I know you wanted the stool sample first thing in the morning, I'm still working on it."
Etc.
5. Wal-Mart just bought out every non-commercial radio station in the US. When we say 'edgy' on the airwaves we mean Creed.
6. This is going to be the year for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
7. Turns out root beer cures the common cold.
8. Letting your cats lick your arm-pits is the equivalent of breast feeding for them due to the minerals and salts in your sweat...also like breast feeding said practice is nurturing, tickles a little and when done in public people tend to stare.
1. Honey...I'm pregnant!
2. Babe, I know you want kids and I don't...As a healthy compromise I got us a dog and myself a vasectomy, surprise!
3. Ann Coulter just gave birth to twin girls.
In the office:
4. Go up to your boss eating a fiber bar and say "I know you wanted the stool sample first thing in the morning, I'm still working on it."
Etc.
5. Wal-Mart just bought out every non-commercial radio station in the US. When we say 'edgy' on the airwaves we mean Creed.
6. This is going to be the year for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
7. Turns out root beer cures the common cold.
8. Letting your cats lick your arm-pits is the equivalent of breast feeding for them due to the minerals and salts in your sweat...also like breast feeding said practice is nurturing, tickles a little and when done in public people tend to stare.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Inspiration Penetration
The other day I was walking around and I saw a guy on a bicycle, he had a giant hiker's backpack on, which I'm assuming contained all of his possessions, and he had a tiny boom-box across his handle bars...blaring the theme from Top Gun.
I stared upon this brilliant rider with the utmost envy (which may or may not say something about how content I am these days). Nonetheless, here's a dude that had the world by the balls. Peddling like a champ, going against the wind as if to say "what's next America? What else do you got? I bet half these people have office jobs that they hate that they don't have the gull to quit, I'm beating those minions damn it! People do crazy things for the illusion of safety...they'll forfeit civil liberties, stay at a job they hate, move to the suburbs of a city that's boring to begin with, join a cult, join a religion...and I don't even have a helmet on!"
There rode by a dude I wanted to have a beer with. That guy had shit figured out.
When Antisthenes got in trouble for jerking off in public he simply responded, "I only wish rubbing my belly would have the same effect in getting rid of hunger." I'm paraphrasing, but that's hysterical.
Dear Corporate-Media-Cherry-Picked American Populace, Why weren't you so concerned about costs when the last dude was sending us to war? That shit's expensive too ya know.
Dear Joe Biden, I'm glad you dropped the f-bomb, I wish that was the only bomb you or any other world leader would ever be allowed to drop.
Dear Ann Coulter, People have the right to protest, it happens. The First Amendment goes both ways. Instead of making your speech anyway, you went for the publicity stunt and tried to play the victim. I don't know what that's all a-boot, but you don't expect people to fall for that, eh?
Sometimes, you just gotta ride a bike with a boom-box and rub one out on the neighbor's driveway.
I stared upon this brilliant rider with the utmost envy (which may or may not say something about how content I am these days). Nonetheless, here's a dude that had the world by the balls. Peddling like a champ, going against the wind as if to say "what's next America? What else do you got? I bet half these people have office jobs that they hate that they don't have the gull to quit, I'm beating those minions damn it! People do crazy things for the illusion of safety...they'll forfeit civil liberties, stay at a job they hate, move to the suburbs of a city that's boring to begin with, join a cult, join a religion...and I don't even have a helmet on!"
There rode by a dude I wanted to have a beer with. That guy had shit figured out.
When Antisthenes got in trouble for jerking off in public he simply responded, "I only wish rubbing my belly would have the same effect in getting rid of hunger." I'm paraphrasing, but that's hysterical.
Dear Corporate-Media-Cherry-Picked American Populace, Why weren't you so concerned about costs when the last dude was sending us to war? That shit's expensive too ya know.
Dear Joe Biden, I'm glad you dropped the f-bomb, I wish that was the only bomb you or any other world leader would ever be allowed to drop.
Dear Ann Coulter, People have the right to protest, it happens. The First Amendment goes both ways. Instead of making your speech anyway, you went for the publicity stunt and tried to play the victim. I don't know what that's all a-boot, but you don't expect people to fall for that, eh?
Sometimes, you just gotta ride a bike with a boom-box and rub one out on the neighbor's driveway.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Jesus' Worst Fans
I wrote this a little while ago and sent it out. Sadly, nobody picked it up. So, by default, it finds its home in the realm of "Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee."
Jesus’ Worst Fans
At times I wonder if Jesus Christ feels a little bit how I imagine Johnny Depp must feel. Do the two of them at times, maybe right before bed, sigh to themselves and exclaim: “Damn…over half of my fan-base completely misses the point?”
That’s what I imagine. I can’t imagine a beat-enthusiast out of Kentucky who wanted to pursue music and toured with Hunter Thompson under a guise relates to the 20-and-under crowd that house the Jack Sparrow poster next to the Jonas Brothers.
Likewise, I can’t imagine that Jesus…well, no explanation needed there.
To narrow it down to five is anything but an easy task…I’m sure I’m missing a few gems to say the very least. Nonetheless, out of those that have successfully sought out the public eye and pummel in their dribble on a regular basis, here is what I deem to be, based on my individual level of blood curdling, Jesus’ five worst fans.
5. Ann Coulter. Granted, Palin’s already stealing whatever thunder she has left. Palin’s got a family in the spotlight, is reasonably attractive, and her adam’s apple doesn’t have its own zipcode, old Ann just can’t compete. Though, her philosophy to ‘perfect’ the Jews, the John Edwards slandering and the fact that the whole Playboy thing was a hoax (the general populace doesn’t deserve to be frightened so) earns her a much coveted spot in the top 5.
4. Bill O’Reilly. Only in America can the angry bordering-on-hate-speech ramblings of a sociopath barely fit for a five star dive bar receive national broadcasting on the nation’s largest media mogul. Bill’s watering down of every issue, spoon-feeding information to his ideal audience (people that don’t think or ask questions), his obnoxious and narrowed nationalism, and of course the baiting and bias labeling of his guests, especially those without religious convictions (Richard Dawkins interview anyone?) gives him #4 with a bullet.
3. Tim Tebow. This one isn’t necessarily directed entirely at the individual. This is more for all the athletes, actors and actresses, musicians and whomever else that always insist on thanking Jesus or God for an award they receive or an athletic victory they accomplish. It’s a bit arrogant can’t we all agree? Bob Knight had it right: "God couldn't care less if we win or not. He is not going to parachute in through the roof of this building and score when we need points." Tim Tebow and co, take notes. Jesus doesn’t care, and if he did than he must prefer the Crimson tide over you, so sad.
2. Rick Santorum. Iraq does in fact still have those weapons of mass destruction, and if you’re a homosexual there’s nothing separating the love between you and your partner and bestiality. This is the world according to Rick Santorum, and yes, he’s breeding. Afraid? Me too.
1. Pat Robertson. How could it be anyone but? What’s happening in Haiti is a total and complete tragedy. A bigger tragedy, the fact that Pat Robertson was born with a tongue. Pat’s the king of televangelism who’s compared the Democratic congress with Nazi Germany, Feminism with witchcraft and family destruction, and has called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez…all in the time of…one of the most pacifist philosophers ever recorded in history. Ol’ Patty brings in millions through his gospel of hate and intolerance and is, as far as I’m concerned, Jesus’ worst fan. And on the eighth day the Lord said thou shalt create a propaganda hate-spouting media powerhouse and shall name it after the carnivorous members of the Canidae family, or if that’s taken go for the less original and more blatant Christian Broadcasting Network.
Jesus’ Worst Fans
At times I wonder if Jesus Christ feels a little bit how I imagine Johnny Depp must feel. Do the two of them at times, maybe right before bed, sigh to themselves and exclaim: “Damn…over half of my fan-base completely misses the point?”
That’s what I imagine. I can’t imagine a beat-enthusiast out of Kentucky who wanted to pursue music and toured with Hunter Thompson under a guise relates to the 20-and-under crowd that house the Jack Sparrow poster next to the Jonas Brothers.
Likewise, I can’t imagine that Jesus…well, no explanation needed there.
To narrow it down to five is anything but an easy task…I’m sure I’m missing a few gems to say the very least. Nonetheless, out of those that have successfully sought out the public eye and pummel in their dribble on a regular basis, here is what I deem to be, based on my individual level of blood curdling, Jesus’ five worst fans.
5. Ann Coulter. Granted, Palin’s already stealing whatever thunder she has left. Palin’s got a family in the spotlight, is reasonably attractive, and her adam’s apple doesn’t have its own zipcode, old Ann just can’t compete. Though, her philosophy to ‘perfect’ the Jews, the John Edwards slandering and the fact that the whole Playboy thing was a hoax (the general populace doesn’t deserve to be frightened so) earns her a much coveted spot in the top 5.
4. Bill O’Reilly. Only in America can the angry bordering-on-hate-speech ramblings of a sociopath barely fit for a five star dive bar receive national broadcasting on the nation’s largest media mogul. Bill’s watering down of every issue, spoon-feeding information to his ideal audience (people that don’t think or ask questions), his obnoxious and narrowed nationalism, and of course the baiting and bias labeling of his guests, especially those without religious convictions (Richard Dawkins interview anyone?) gives him #4 with a bullet.
3. Tim Tebow. This one isn’t necessarily directed entirely at the individual. This is more for all the athletes, actors and actresses, musicians and whomever else that always insist on thanking Jesus or God for an award they receive or an athletic victory they accomplish. It’s a bit arrogant can’t we all agree? Bob Knight had it right: "God couldn't care less if we win or not. He is not going to parachute in through the roof of this building and score when we need points." Tim Tebow and co, take notes. Jesus doesn’t care, and if he did than he must prefer the Crimson tide over you, so sad.
2. Rick Santorum. Iraq does in fact still have those weapons of mass destruction, and if you’re a homosexual there’s nothing separating the love between you and your partner and bestiality. This is the world according to Rick Santorum, and yes, he’s breeding. Afraid? Me too.
1. Pat Robertson. How could it be anyone but? What’s happening in Haiti is a total and complete tragedy. A bigger tragedy, the fact that Pat Robertson was born with a tongue. Pat’s the king of televangelism who’s compared the Democratic congress with Nazi Germany, Feminism with witchcraft and family destruction, and has called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez…all in the time of…one of the most pacifist philosophers ever recorded in history. Ol’ Patty brings in millions through his gospel of hate and intolerance and is, as far as I’m concerned, Jesus’ worst fan. And on the eighth day the Lord said thou shalt create a propaganda hate-spouting media powerhouse and shall name it after the carnivorous members of the Canidae family, or if that’s taken go for the less original and more blatant Christian Broadcasting Network.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
SHOW March 3, Club Cafe, PITTSBURGH...DELIVERY?
It's not often that I'll put something out about specific shows but this one is something special...
March 3, 10pm, I'll be opening for Hamell On Trial at Club Cafe in Pittsburgh, PA.
Hamell's one of my favorite performers to watch. A couple years ago I opened for him in Bloomington, IN where he previewed material which would later become his award-winning One Man Show, "The Terrorism of Everyday Life."
From his website:
"Hamell on Trial is a one-man punk band and by punk we mean (mostly) loud, fast music informed by politics, passion, energy and intelligence, played by a guy with a sharp tongue and a wicked sense of humor. His ninth release, a double-disc set titled Rant & Roll, launches Hamell into new territory, capturing not only an award-winning, hour-long performance, but the Kerouac-esque story of social commentary through years on the road." http://www.hamellontrial.com
I'm very excited to be a part of this show and am really hoping for as much friendly support as possible. I've got advanced tickets for sale, they're only $8 AND here's the best part...
If you live in the Pittsburgh area and want tickets, contact me, and, as long as you're not too far out there, I'll deliver them to you. Yep, much like what the Penguins do except instead of a worldly, Stanley Cup-winning athlete hand-delivering season tickets for one of the most popular sports in the world, you'll get me. My eyes will likely be blood-shot from sleep deprivation, my clothes most likely won't match, BUT...I may have a sports jersey on. And I'll be delivering tickets to a one-night-only rock n roll show that if you're reading this I guarantee, you'll enjoy.
If you're in Pittsburgh and have been wanting to see me but haven't gotten around to it, this is as good an opportunity as any.
Shameless self-promo over.
March 3, 10pm, I'll be opening for Hamell On Trial at Club Cafe in Pittsburgh, PA.
Hamell's one of my favorite performers to watch. A couple years ago I opened for him in Bloomington, IN where he previewed material which would later become his award-winning One Man Show, "The Terrorism of Everyday Life."
From his website:
"Hamell on Trial is a one-man punk band and by punk we mean (mostly) loud, fast music informed by politics, passion, energy and intelligence, played by a guy with a sharp tongue and a wicked sense of humor. His ninth release, a double-disc set titled Rant & Roll, launches Hamell into new territory, capturing not only an award-winning, hour-long performance, but the Kerouac-esque story of social commentary through years on the road." http://www.hamellontrial.com
I'm very excited to be a part of this show and am really hoping for as much friendly support as possible. I've got advanced tickets for sale, they're only $8 AND here's the best part...
If you live in the Pittsburgh area and want tickets, contact me, and, as long as you're not too far out there, I'll deliver them to you. Yep, much like what the Penguins do except instead of a worldly, Stanley Cup-winning athlete hand-delivering season tickets for one of the most popular sports in the world, you'll get me. My eyes will likely be blood-shot from sleep deprivation, my clothes most likely won't match, BUT...I may have a sports jersey on. And I'll be delivering tickets to a one-night-only rock n roll show that if you're reading this I guarantee, you'll enjoy.
If you're in Pittsburgh and have been wanting to see me but haven't gotten around to it, this is as good an opportunity as any.
Shameless self-promo over.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Check...PLEASE?!?!
This weekend was a pretty stellar one for shows. Friday I opened for my buddy Anthony Rankin at PD's Pub in Squirrel Hill. Had a great time and while music shows, at least in my experience, are usually not the easiest stages for comedy I had a great time on stage and got to watch some stellar music from an excellent band. Last night I did a show in White Oak, PA to a sold-out crowd that was there to laugh and enjoy a comedy show, which makes all the difference in the world. My 30 minutes up there felt like 10, I can't say that happens too often, was a nice way to end a month. I learned a few things too...calling Christopher Columbus an embarrassment to Italian-Americans in a room full of older Western PA Italian-Americans proved a bit too risky, fortunately was able to get the room back with the relationship material. So it goes, if I didn't want to take a risk or two and put something challenging out there than I wouldn't be doing comedy, I would've went into juggling.
That was the good news, now for the not-as-good news. First, I will very much miss Franz from the Hold Steady. The Hold Steady has been one of my favorite bands to see live the past couple years. Franz, for those of you that don't know, was the keyboardist. He recently parted ways with the band. Back in Indiana I interviewed Franz for submission to one of the local media outlets, to be honest I can't remember which, it may have been for the radio, I honestly can't recall. Anyway, as soon as I got him on the phone my reception was terrible and it wasn't picking up on the audio equipment at all. I couldn't decipher anything he was saying. I was too embarrassed to tell him that I jacked up the equipment so I just cut it short after about four questions.
"Wow, that was short."
"Yeah, it's a 30-second segment short thing we've been working on." Total bullshit. Anyway, my interview with Franz didn't work out. But, it did give my girlfriend and I two free tickets to their show in Indianapolis that night.
Friday night before the show at PD's I did something I've never done before and hope to never have to do again in my life, I didn't tip a waiter. Gave him nada. This dude was the worst waiter I've ever had in my life, ever. First, dude forgot our ticket, completely botched it. Which, no biggie, mistakes happen, the show wasn't until 10. He never re-filled our water, never checked on us, at one point I saw him walk by and look at us, he had an "oh, shit" look on his face and then he looked down at his tickets. He never turned us in.
Finally after 30 minutes we asked about our food. "I'll go check on it." 10 minutes later dude shows up, checked on another table and then turned to us, "o, I checked on your food, there was some conflict in the kitchen, they'll take half-off your meals, sorry about that." And then he gave a whatever wave. This dude was totally checked out. You don't give a customer a whatever wave, he was down to 10 percent at this point. Especially since he lied. Conflict in the kitchen? Really? My girlfriend ordered a salad.
We continued to wait, I told my girlfriend if our food didn't come by 20 after we were walking out. It came at 18 after. The waiter said he'd get me some ketchup, I told him please. I also told him I had somewhere to be so could we get the check now. 10 minutes later he dropped off the check. Never apologized, never asked us how it was, nothing. I never got my ketchup either. I had to go to the hostess and ask for ketchup. O, I almost forgot, at one point said waiter dropped a plate of food all over the floor, never apologized to anyone, goes without saying at this point. To top it off, he didn't CLEAN IT UP. One of the other waitresses cleaned it up for him 5 minutes later. Let me point out too this establishment was not very crowded.
Now, if you're going to be a piece of shit to customers, that's your choice, you can deal with the consequences of getting a low gratuity, but if you hang your co-workers out to dry too, then you don't deserve a penny as far as I'm concerned. In case you're wondering, the food was mediocre at best.
When I got my tab I wrote a big fat ZERO on the tip. Then, I wrote an explanation on the back of the receipt.
"You did this to yourself. Just so you know I'm a multi-millionaire. I've invested well and I've cashed in. Whenever I go out to eat I hand out $100-bills just because I get a kick out of making a stranger's day. In fact, I'm so well off that I'm able to dedicate the rest of my life to my childhood dream of being a stand-up comedian, check out my website. Come out to a show sometime, I may talk about you and how shitty you are at your craft."
I don't want to say the name of said establishment, but if you ever find yourself in the Regent Square neighborhood of Pittsburgh I recommend eating anywhere that isn't Dunning's Bar and Grill.
That was the good news, now for the not-as-good news. First, I will very much miss Franz from the Hold Steady. The Hold Steady has been one of my favorite bands to see live the past couple years. Franz, for those of you that don't know, was the keyboardist. He recently parted ways with the band. Back in Indiana I interviewed Franz for submission to one of the local media outlets, to be honest I can't remember which, it may have been for the radio, I honestly can't recall. Anyway, as soon as I got him on the phone my reception was terrible and it wasn't picking up on the audio equipment at all. I couldn't decipher anything he was saying. I was too embarrassed to tell him that I jacked up the equipment so I just cut it short after about four questions.
"Wow, that was short."
"Yeah, it's a 30-second segment short thing we've been working on." Total bullshit. Anyway, my interview with Franz didn't work out. But, it did give my girlfriend and I two free tickets to their show in Indianapolis that night.
Friday night before the show at PD's I did something I've never done before and hope to never have to do again in my life, I didn't tip a waiter. Gave him nada. This dude was the worst waiter I've ever had in my life, ever. First, dude forgot our ticket, completely botched it. Which, no biggie, mistakes happen, the show wasn't until 10. He never re-filled our water, never checked on us, at one point I saw him walk by and look at us, he had an "oh, shit" look on his face and then he looked down at his tickets. He never turned us in.
Finally after 30 minutes we asked about our food. "I'll go check on it." 10 minutes later dude shows up, checked on another table and then turned to us, "o, I checked on your food, there was some conflict in the kitchen, they'll take half-off your meals, sorry about that." And then he gave a whatever wave. This dude was totally checked out. You don't give a customer a whatever wave, he was down to 10 percent at this point. Especially since he lied. Conflict in the kitchen? Really? My girlfriend ordered a salad.
We continued to wait, I told my girlfriend if our food didn't come by 20 after we were walking out. It came at 18 after. The waiter said he'd get me some ketchup, I told him please. I also told him I had somewhere to be so could we get the check now. 10 minutes later he dropped off the check. Never apologized, never asked us how it was, nothing. I never got my ketchup either. I had to go to the hostess and ask for ketchup. O, I almost forgot, at one point said waiter dropped a plate of food all over the floor, never apologized to anyone, goes without saying at this point. To top it off, he didn't CLEAN IT UP. One of the other waitresses cleaned it up for him 5 minutes later. Let me point out too this establishment was not very crowded.
Now, if you're going to be a piece of shit to customers, that's your choice, you can deal with the consequences of getting a low gratuity, but if you hang your co-workers out to dry too, then you don't deserve a penny as far as I'm concerned. In case you're wondering, the food was mediocre at best.
When I got my tab I wrote a big fat ZERO on the tip. Then, I wrote an explanation on the back of the receipt.
"You did this to yourself. Just so you know I'm a multi-millionaire. I've invested well and I've cashed in. Whenever I go out to eat I hand out $100-bills just because I get a kick out of making a stranger's day. In fact, I'm so well off that I'm able to dedicate the rest of my life to my childhood dream of being a stand-up comedian, check out my website. Come out to a show sometime, I may talk about you and how shitty you are at your craft."
I don't want to say the name of said establishment, but if you ever find yourself in the Regent Square neighborhood of Pittsburgh I recommend eating anywhere that isn't Dunning's Bar and Grill.
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