Last night I didn't have the set I wanted to. It was an open-mic. For those non-comics out there open-mic is an opportunity to try out new material, work out a premise on stage, test out new tags to older material to try to expand on bits, etc. Of course, some people beat the same five minutes to death for years but, moving on. I didn't have the set I wanted. I didn't care necessarily that I didn't do well, but I was bummed that some of the newer material that I've been trying to work out and gravitate towards isn't quite clicking.
Rest of the night went on, quick question: Does a public domain(read: internet) joke about sleeping with your cousins in (insert city of ridicule) deserve an applause break? Should it even be uttered on stage? I didn't think so either.
Anyway, after all was over the great Tim Warner and I went for a beer down the street. This place is a biker-esque bar but it's just a stone's throw away from the apartment so we went. The bartender was playing this horrible pop-punk "emo" music, dribble I used to think was cool when I was 16 or so but then saw through once I realized high school didn't matter. Anyway Tim and I were talking shop, I was blowing off steam to a slight degree, and just then the most terrible cover of "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure came on. I mean TERRIBLE. It was absolutely nauseating. There were only like, 5 people in the bar, none of whom looked like they would be into this music with exception to the hipster skinny-jean clad bartender. For some reason, that did me in, I was fed up with it all, fed up with work, fed up with all of it.
So I looked up and said for all to hear, "This is the worst cover I ever heard, this is atrocious, whoever recorded this deserves to be shot in the skull."
It really was that bad. The song continued. "Dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow..." I looked down at the table, there was some cash sitting there which of course was my intended tip. I reached down and took a dollar and put it back in my pocket.
I know, I know, kind of harsh, but I was ticked. And honestly, if you're going to push your horrible taste down peoples' throats you should realize that you may catch one of them on the wrong day and they'll take it out of your tip. I'm a Cure fan, that was some bad old timing. I'm not sure if the bartender noticed or not but Tim was cracking up so I imagine he noticed.
Now it's time for some irony: I got home and pulled up my laptop, my girlfriend had put a drawing of Robert Smith up as my background. At that point I couldn't help laughing about the whole thing. Next time I'm in there I'll tip the bartender a little extra to make up for it, maybe he'll use the money to buy some better music and we both win.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Humble Pie's more bitter out west
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Friday, April 10, 2009
An Open Letter to PETA from my Cat, Lucy
Dear PETA,
To avoid getting started on the wrong foot, let me say that I am, overall, in support of what you do. As a proud feline I do appreciate your pursuit of our ethical treatment and due to your informative campaigns my provider and I both refuse to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, among other things.
However, I can't help but have a slightly acerbic taste in my mouth when I ponder issues of world hunger, our struggling economy, the environment, and war. These are issues that affect us animals as well and as I hope you can agree, are of a bit more importance than changing the name of fish to "sea-kittens." Which, by the way, I do enjoy a fine tuna myself, I hope this is not your attempt to paint us cats as cannibals. If so, know that I speak for the rest of the Animal Revolutionary Society when I say we will not be pleased. I have very close ties with the K-9 Chapter as well as everyone over at the Neo-Animal Farm. Anyway, to summarize, dare I say perhaps you should make yourselves aware that there are "fatter fish to fry." And no, I don't apologize for the pun. My provider hasn't written a funny joke in I can't remember how long, I've earned this.
Anyway, this brings me to my next point and what inspired me to write you, your recent request to the musical ensemble Pet Shop Boys. Now, with exception to the Hold Steady double-disc I've little to look forward to in regards to the music industry, and I'm certainly not without a sense of humor. What you seem to forget is that the worst thing you could do to your organization is become a parody of yourself, which in recent events you have taken many steps toward. You'd be naive to not acknowledge and adapt to the fact that you have extremists in your organization that make the far religious right almost look rational. With this in mind, making your request to the Pet Shop Boys to change their name will bear little positive fruit, and on the contrary will further diminish the cause you claim to be fighting for.
I understand your intentions are in the right place, but perhaps it's time to change the Pandora Radio Station in the marketing office. Just a thought.
All the best,
Lucy
President, Animal Revolutionary Society
Editor in Chief to Ron Placone
Activist
To avoid getting started on the wrong foot, let me say that I am, overall, in support of what you do. As a proud feline I do appreciate your pursuit of our ethical treatment and due to your informative campaigns my provider and I both refuse to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, among other things.
However, I can't help but have a slightly acerbic taste in my mouth when I ponder issues of world hunger, our struggling economy, the environment, and war. These are issues that affect us animals as well and as I hope you can agree, are of a bit more importance than changing the name of fish to "sea-kittens." Which, by the way, I do enjoy a fine tuna myself, I hope this is not your attempt to paint us cats as cannibals. If so, know that I speak for the rest of the Animal Revolutionary Society when I say we will not be pleased. I have very close ties with the K-9 Chapter as well as everyone over at the Neo-Animal Farm. Anyway, to summarize, dare I say perhaps you should make yourselves aware that there are "fatter fish to fry." And no, I don't apologize for the pun. My provider hasn't written a funny joke in I can't remember how long, I've earned this.
Anyway, this brings me to my next point and what inspired me to write you, your recent request to the musical ensemble Pet Shop Boys. Now, with exception to the Hold Steady double-disc I've little to look forward to in regards to the music industry, and I'm certainly not without a sense of humor. What you seem to forget is that the worst thing you could do to your organization is become a parody of yourself, which in recent events you have taken many steps toward. You'd be naive to not acknowledge and adapt to the fact that you have extremists in your organization that make the far religious right almost look rational. With this in mind, making your request to the Pet Shop Boys to change their name will bear little positive fruit, and on the contrary will further diminish the cause you claim to be fighting for.
I understand your intentions are in the right place, but perhaps it's time to change the Pandora Radio Station in the marketing office. Just a thought.
All the best,
Lucy
President, Animal Revolutionary Society
Editor in Chief to Ron Placone
Activist
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Whopping 60!
For my past birthday a friend of mine bought me a copy of The Lenny Bruce Trials. I finally had a chance to dive into it. As of right now I haven’t entered the tragedy yet, basically I’m still to the point where they’re talking about San Francisco in the 60s. Quite frankly, I wish I was born 40-some years earlier sometimes…but it’s in my nature to always feel like the grass is greener on the other side. On the other hand, some say that the climate we’re in now is even worse than the Great Depression. I didn’t live through the Great Depression, so despite what’s on paper or in the history books I feel as though I’ll never truly know the accuracy of said statement.
So I asked my Grandmother. “Grandma, what do you remember from the Great Depression?”
There was a brief pause on the phone.
“O, wow, that was a long time ago, I remember stuff being rationed…You know you should ask your dad.”
“But he wasn’t alive then.”
“Yeah, but he’s good with history.”
“I’m looking for a first-hand account.”
“O, I really don’t remember that much, how’s Seattle?”
So I didn’t get a ton of information, not that my Grandmother would’ve been old enough to remember much, but I figured it was worth a shot.
I suppose there’s reason to look up today though, CNN released a piece informing us the masses that due to the Stimulus 60 people now have jobs. Nope, no mistakes in the numbers, 60. Those people must be getting a hell of a paycheck.
When it’s newsworthy that 60 people received jobs in a country with our population, I think it’s safe to say we’re in a nice amount of trouble. Who knows what will be newsworthy next…Perhaps by 2010 none of us will have jobs but we’ll know the menstrual cycle of every female celebrity.
So I asked my Grandmother. “Grandma, what do you remember from the Great Depression?”
There was a brief pause on the phone.
“O, wow, that was a long time ago, I remember stuff being rationed…You know you should ask your dad.”
“But he wasn’t alive then.”
“Yeah, but he’s good with history.”
“I’m looking for a first-hand account.”
“O, I really don’t remember that much, how’s Seattle?”
So I didn’t get a ton of information, not that my Grandmother would’ve been old enough to remember much, but I figured it was worth a shot.
I suppose there’s reason to look up today though, CNN released a piece informing us the masses that due to the Stimulus 60 people now have jobs. Nope, no mistakes in the numbers, 60. Those people must be getting a hell of a paycheck.
When it’s newsworthy that 60 people received jobs in a country with our population, I think it’s safe to say we’re in a nice amount of trouble. Who knows what will be newsworthy next…Perhaps by 2010 none of us will have jobs but we’ll know the menstrual cycle of every female celebrity.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Link to Seattle Sinner January Submission
http://www.theseattlesinner.com/endofanerror.php
My farewell letter to FORMER President George W. Bush
My farewell letter to FORMER President George W. Bush
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Snow-Worthy
Hot-tubs, plastic forks, gas stations, bar soap, I'm smiling, I'm traveling. Have a night off in Missoula. So far the run's been pretty good, though the winter weather has been a bit exhausting.
This is the first time ever that I've met a Steelers' fan at every single show. There were two in Missoula, one at each of the shows in Idaho, and then one in Billings last night. Steelers' fans aren't the most common thing in the rural Northwest. If I meet one in Spokane, then I will have met a Steelers' fan at every single room in this run, that doesn't even happen in the northeast.
Drinking lots of coffee, occasionally mixing it up with a Rockstar, had to wait an extra day to watch the premier episode of Lost, and while the Inauguration was going on I was background noise to a basketball game for an uninterested audience in Montana. On the upside though, I've met some super cool people, saw some beautiful countryside, some for the first time, and stared in complete awe and jealousy that top-quality lunch meat is $5.99/pound at most in Yellowstone.
Several days ago I was in Idaho and I was starving. It was several hours until showtime. I was in a fairly rural area and I didn't feel like driving, not to mention it was insanely cold. I decided to order a Pizza. I placed my order for delivery, and then as custom I gave the guy my info:
"What's your address?"
"I'm at the ________ Inn, on Main Street."
"Room number?"
"223"
"And your name please?"
"Ron"
"Could you spell that?"
(Brief moment of silence)
My last name, yeah, people misspell that all the time, but really, RON? I was silent, I had never been asked to spell my first name before so I was a bit taken aback, also I was slowly realizing that somebody, somewhere thought it was a good idea to let this guy handle money for a living, and in that particular moment, my debit card information.
Now, the second issue, how can I respond to that without sounding like a jerk? I mean really, I had to spell R-O-N, like I was the Dad telling the babysitter not to let the Dominos' guy have any C-A-N-D-Y. Seriously dude, R-O-N, like "ON," you know, the switch where when you put it up everything gets bright? Just throw an "R" in front and you're golden. No tricks here.
Of course, some people do spell it R-O-H-N. Which is stupid.
This is the first time ever that I've met a Steelers' fan at every single show. There were two in Missoula, one at each of the shows in Idaho, and then one in Billings last night. Steelers' fans aren't the most common thing in the rural Northwest. If I meet one in Spokane, then I will have met a Steelers' fan at every single room in this run, that doesn't even happen in the northeast.
Drinking lots of coffee, occasionally mixing it up with a Rockstar, had to wait an extra day to watch the premier episode of Lost, and while the Inauguration was going on I was background noise to a basketball game for an uninterested audience in Montana. On the upside though, I've met some super cool people, saw some beautiful countryside, some for the first time, and stared in complete awe and jealousy that top-quality lunch meat is $5.99/pound at most in Yellowstone.
Several days ago I was in Idaho and I was starving. It was several hours until showtime. I was in a fairly rural area and I didn't feel like driving, not to mention it was insanely cold. I decided to order a Pizza. I placed my order for delivery, and then as custom I gave the guy my info:
"What's your address?"
"I'm at the ________ Inn, on Main Street."
"Room number?"
"223"
"And your name please?"
"Ron"
"Could you spell that?"
(Brief moment of silence)
My last name, yeah, people misspell that all the time, but really, RON? I was silent, I had never been asked to spell my first name before so I was a bit taken aback, also I was slowly realizing that somebody, somewhere thought it was a good idea to let this guy handle money for a living, and in that particular moment, my debit card information.
Now, the second issue, how can I respond to that without sounding like a jerk? I mean really, I had to spell R-O-N, like I was the Dad telling the babysitter not to let the Dominos' guy have any C-A-N-D-Y. Seriously dude, R-O-N, like "ON," you know, the switch where when you put it up everything gets bright? Just throw an "R" in front and you're golden. No tricks here.
Of course, some people do spell it R-O-H-N. Which is stupid.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Retrospective
Happy New Year one and all. The past day and a half I have been huddled in my tiny apartment, recently re-united with my two cats in Seattle. In my two week absence the city got slammed with snowstorms unheard of in recent history. All the while I was in PA-OH-IN-WV where more often than not it was unseasonably warm. So it goes, fortunately I was able to sleep at night knowing that I was lucky enough to have the best cat-sitter(s) EVER taking care of the feline crew.
Anyway, the past two days have been filled with lots and lots of Football. It is bowl season, and it is a holiday. Pitt-Oregon State and Michigan State-Georgia turned out to be very heavily rooted in defense, both low-scoring, both forced teams to think outside the box to control the clock and rack up enough points on the board to pull out a win. Personally, I enjoyed the lop-sidedness of it all. I've never been one for shoot-outs, and being a life-long Steelers fan I have nothing but the utmost appreciation for good defense.
I have a gig during the BCS Bowl, I'm hoping to catch as much as I can as I'm expecting quite a game. Florida Gators have been an incredibly fun team to watch. As I couldn't care less who wins, I can watch for love of the game, as is the story most of the time when I watch college football. (I went to Indiana University--never had much to get excited about football wise).
I've been listening to lots and lots of Will Sheff, have been for a few years now, and thoroughly enjoy his song-writing. To all the critics out there--many of us Okkervil fans realize that the music is simple, we know the chord progressions are basic, and we don't care. Their lyrics are brilliant, they have great hooks with the slightest dash of folk that blends perfectly, and they're very tight live. Put that music degree to use and go teach some lessons instead of offering criticisms on pop music via YouTube comments. Sound good?
Back to Football. This could be a fun run for the NFL. Tennessee may be due for an upset, my Steelers could go anyway imaginable, Baltimore is going to be a strong six seat, and in the NFC Carolina is going to clean up, at least that's my prediction. New England is of the past for this year, yet sadly Indianapolis, in true serpent fashion have managed to slither their way into another playoff birth.
I dug 2008, hopefully 2009 keeps the same momentum. For those of us twenty-somethings that have just entered the "real world" this economic climate has been no picnic. But hell, I find the glory in it all. This is supposed to be a tough time regardless, so it's a little lousier, at least, my fellow peers, we're not close to retirement age. My true sympathies are for the baby-boomers, the early-sixty-somethings, and those struggling to support their families. As for the rest of us, those of us that don't have much to begin with, perhaps chasing dreams that may or may not ever come true but at the very least will give us a fuck of a fun ride, let's seize the year.
--Ron
Anyway, the past two days have been filled with lots and lots of Football. It is bowl season, and it is a holiday. Pitt-Oregon State and Michigan State-Georgia turned out to be very heavily rooted in defense, both low-scoring, both forced teams to think outside the box to control the clock and rack up enough points on the board to pull out a win. Personally, I enjoyed the lop-sidedness of it all. I've never been one for shoot-outs, and being a life-long Steelers fan I have nothing but the utmost appreciation for good defense.
I have a gig during the BCS Bowl, I'm hoping to catch as much as I can as I'm expecting quite a game. Florida Gators have been an incredibly fun team to watch. As I couldn't care less who wins, I can watch for love of the game, as is the story most of the time when I watch college football. (I went to Indiana University--never had much to get excited about football wise).
I've been listening to lots and lots of Will Sheff, have been for a few years now, and thoroughly enjoy his song-writing. To all the critics out there--many of us Okkervil fans realize that the music is simple, we know the chord progressions are basic, and we don't care. Their lyrics are brilliant, they have great hooks with the slightest dash of folk that blends perfectly, and they're very tight live. Put that music degree to use and go teach some lessons instead of offering criticisms on pop music via YouTube comments. Sound good?
Back to Football. This could be a fun run for the NFL. Tennessee may be due for an upset, my Steelers could go anyway imaginable, Baltimore is going to be a strong six seat, and in the NFC Carolina is going to clean up, at least that's my prediction. New England is of the past for this year, yet sadly Indianapolis, in true serpent fashion have managed to slither their way into another playoff birth.
I dug 2008, hopefully 2009 keeps the same momentum. For those of us twenty-somethings that have just entered the "real world" this economic climate has been no picnic. But hell, I find the glory in it all. This is supposed to be a tough time regardless, so it's a little lousier, at least, my fellow peers, we're not close to retirement age. My true sympathies are for the baby-boomers, the early-sixty-somethings, and those struggling to support their families. As for the rest of us, those of us that don't have much to begin with, perhaps chasing dreams that may or may not ever come true but at the very least will give us a fuck of a fun ride, let's seize the year.
--Ron
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