Thursday, August 27, 2009

My New Diet

At times I have a weird eating schedule. Sometimes I won't be hungry in the afternoon, go out and do comedy, then be starving by the time I get home. I've decided that from now on whenever I have a terrible set I won't eat when I get home...because I ate already, I dined on a shit-sandwich. It only seems fair.

Tonight was definitely one of those nights where I wouldn't be eating, but I decided to let it slide because I was starving and knew I wouldn't sleep well if I didn't eat something. I'm already slacking off.

I did canvassing for a bit, not just because I needed some quick cash but because I thought a job like that would help with stand-up, if I can convince a stranger to give me their credit card information on the street I can convince them a joke's funny. It was tough. The toughest job I've ever had. And it's brutal. I felt like shit everyday, mentally and physically. My day would start at around 7:30am, and it would end around midnight. I wouldn't have time to go home after the shift because I'd go straight to stand-up somewhere. I got sick nearly immediately. I lasted three days. With everything else I had going on, it just wasn't going to work at the moment. Still, I enjoyed seeing that side of humanity, in terms of human interaction you're just a pan-handler that makes an hourly wage. Within my three days somebody told me to fuck off once, a woman propositioned me for sex and three people signed up with me. I would see tourists finding their way through downtown, looking for the library, Pike's Place, Pioneer Square, the Space Needle at times, though I was never really near the Center.

According to my supervisor one of my flaws was my low energy and the fact that I didn't approach a ton of people. We found that it was because I pre-judged them. "Why?" He asked me. "Because I've lived, I've seen shit, I know we're supposed to be optimistic about human compassion but I'm not sold." "Everyone that comes through our doors have seen shit, you've got to give people a little bit of credit." He was right about the first part, and he had a point, most of the people there were well-traveled, eclectic, cultured, but we all see different things. With the path I've chosen over the past several years I feel that I give my fellow man enough credit. We're flawed, we're animals, the best may be behind us, but we can learn and we can love. Some would call it misanthropy, others cynicism, I call it a healthy dose of realism.

By the way, here's what our health-care bill should say:

"Non-Profit Single Payer. There. Any room for misinterpretations or bogus death panel claims? No, I didn't think so. All of you insurance industry moguls can get new jobs selling used American cars. As for the rest of you, you're welcome."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A Small Victory

Over five years ago I had a dream that I got pulled over by a cop. It was a female officer and when she approached my window she was gorgeous. She told me to watch my speed and that I was lucky I was cute. She winked at me and left.

Tonight I was driving home from a gig in Tumwater (had a great time, always a fun room) and I got pulled over by a female cop! It was an interesting situation, initially I had no idea why I was pulled over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I was upfront, "to be honest, no, I don't." I said it cordially.

"Well you were driving right on top of the person in front of you, and you were swerving in and out of your lane."

Technically, both things she said were true. I was on top of the car and front of me briefly, because I was trying to get around said car, they were going maybe 50, but I couldn't get around them because there was a car in the other lane also riding their break. For whatever reason in my experience the northwest has no concept of the fast lane.

As for the swerving thing, yes, I slightly swerved once, because their flashing lights startled me, I swerved slightly and then pulled over.

So both things she said were true, albeit a stretch.

Her next question: "How much did you have to drink tonight?"

Which I could've taken personally but chose not to.


"What about earlier?"

"I have had absolutely nothing to drink tonight."

Which was true, I'm incredibly strict about drinking before shows, I feel like it throws my timing off, and I didn't drink afterward because I left after the show was over.

"So if I give you a breathalyzer you'll blow zero?"

"Yeah, unless mouthwash or something makes it go above."

She took my license. She came back a few minutes later and told me to watch my driving. I started to apologize and explain myself, but she stammered off. No goodnight, nothing. In my side mirror I saw her waving off the car behind her. She reminded me off a pouting kid, the school bully that didn't get to beat up the small kid because an adult showed up.

This wasn't an officer that was concerned about my safety or the safety of others on the road, this was an officer that was one of the cars involved in a speed trap and they wanted to slap a DUI on somebody. They wanted to humiliate someone and make them walk in a straight line, say the alphabet backwards, see them squirm. And, tonight it wasn't this guy.

Now don't get me wrong, there are some good cops out there, you hear about people giving their lives for the cause. On the flip-side you also hear about police officers killing people with tazers. I salute law enforcement for doing the job they do but I'm not naive enough to ignore the fact that police brutality is a huge problem in the United States and elsewhere. I have this theory that for every good cop there are about 6 or so bad ones. I base this on experience and I have yet to meet an officer that falls into that one in 6.

Eh, so it goes. She didn't wink at me, didn't tell me I was cute, oh and just for the record she was heinous.

Monday, August 3, 2009

In a Bathtub no less!

Amici, I've been a lousy blogger. Usually I like to grace the inter-cyberspace with my ramblings twice a month. Not necessarily every other week, my time management isn't that disciplined, if it were I'd probably be much more successful in the game. I blame it on Kaplan, and I blame it on the heat.

In Seattle we've had record-breaking temperatures, for those that don't live in Seattle and may not find meteorology all that interesting. Around 83% of all buildings in the Seattle area do not have air conditioning, our temperatures broke 100. My apartment of course falls into the 83%. At one point I filled my bathtub with cold water, set my computer and cell phone on the toilet, and sat in the tub to go about my day. My "home-office" is by no means glamorous to begin with so it wasn't much of an adjustment. To an on-looker who didn't know there was a heatwave it probably looked like the most bizarre suicide attempt they'd ever seen.

Anyway, enough on the heat.

A woman in the Bronx is suing Monroe College because she claims their career center did not help her get a job. She majored in information technology. The college defends the effectiveness of their career center, indicating several recent English majors that have gone on to be successful baristas.

Lastly, Over the next month or so I'm going to be deciding what to do about my novel. I've been trying to get it picked up, I've gotten some interest but no small presses have any money these days, they're hardly putting out anything and understandably so. I'm aware of many more innovative and cost-efficient ways to get this thing out there independently but I haven't considered them out of fear of rejection from the publishing industry. Alas, I've reconsidered and reality gave me a slap. The publishing industry, in many ways, is a sinking ship. A renaissance is coming and they either have to embrace it or go the way of the Buffalo. Not to mention I made the decision to walk away from the industry back in May, so why not go all out?