Road Journal Part 6: Northeast and End of the Run

6/30/11 Had some dates around home, didn’t find it necessary to report there. Just got back from Boston and Vermont, hence my run is over. First, the shows, Boston was a great time. Germs was able to come for this part so we went around town during the day and then I did a few sets at night. Met some great comics, there were some really fringe (for lack of a better word) acts that I got to see in Boston. Which, I really appreciated. I enjoy seeing somebody that puzzles me at first, where I think, “wow, this is a different way at approaching this,” where I don’t even know if it’s an act or not, that’s something I appreciate. It’s always cool when I get to see acts like that because that’s not something I get to see in Pittsburgh ever. That’s not a bash at Pittsburgh, it just seems to me that certain acts that are really doing something cerebral need to head to either LA, New York, Boston or San Francisco. It doesn’t seem like any other city would have a market or scene big enough for the type of acts I’m describing to develop. I could be totally wrong. “Alternative” comedy is a phrase people love to throw around constantly and to be honest I don’t know if such a thing even exists or not but what I do know is that there are some pretty out-of-the-box left-of-center acts out there that I find inspirational, and no, the fact that you have a joke about a unicorn going into a time-machine and do an absurdist impression about a dragon selling make-up door-to-door doesn’t put you into said category. Anyway, Boston, was good to catch up. Met some really cool and talented comics out there, got to catch up with Josh Gondelman. Burlington was exactly what I had hoped for in terms of a place and an end to a run. The city reminded me a bit of the northwest, scenic, nature-esque, laid back, and they’ve got great beer and cheese. I got to see my friends Luke and Justine, and did a show at a place called Radio Bean. I couldn’t find much going on in terms of comedy in town, and there was no comedy club in the city, so I got myself a 30-minute spot on a music show so my friends could have an opportunity to see me in their town. When I arrived at the venue I was a bit worried about how things would go. There were several singer-songwriters up before me alternating songs and while I actually dug their stuff it was not necessarily something that would blend well with comedy. I told the bartender who I was and he told me I could just go up whenever they were finished. Once they were off I made sure the microphone was still on and then I walked around with it a bit testing it to make sure I wasn’t getting any feedback. No intro, cold stage, unsuspecting audience. I went to the bar and requested that the house music be turned off, the bartender responded that he would turn it down. Uh oh. I was a little worried at this point, I went up to my friends and warned them that this may be a train-wreck. Once I got on stage though, the music was completely off, and people were staring at me. Since nobody could bring me up I decided I would just let them know the plan. I told them I was a comedian and because there were no comedy shows in the area this was my opportunity to do a show for my friends, if they wanted to listen, that’d be great, if not, that’s fine too just please go elsewhere if they wanted to talk because there was definitely a handful of people there that wanted to see me. The show went surprisingly well. It took a little bit for people to warm up to the idea and not being afraid to laugh-out-loud, but it ended up going pretty solid, especially considering the circumstance. The staff seemed to dig it and some of the locals mentioned that they enjoyed it and it was something different they never really get. That room could be perfect for comedy and I’m sure an actual comedy night would go really well in that place. I had a great time performing and even though I was worried at first it ended up being a great way to end the run. The next day I hung out on the water, took a boat ride, tried some different beers with Germs, then later that night we bid Lucas and Justine farewell and drove through the night for Boston as our flight left early in the morning. I went to bed upon returning to Pittsburgh. Now comes the time to reflect what it all means, I’ve definitely learned a good deal about myself and comedy. I think I have a much better idea of what work needs to be done for the future and what areas I’m doing reasonably well in and what areas need some more work and attention. On a personal note, I’ve decided I’m going to try to stop using energy drinks, and instead try various green and Turkish teas as substitutes. I can make it iced in advance. I’m also considering taking up hurling, and I want to get back to speaking Italian regularly. The tour is over. Arrivederci fun-yons!

CONNECTICUT MAN BUSTED FOR SOLICITING POT ON CRAIGSLIST

In Connecticut, a 31-year-old man was recently arrested for attempting to buy marijuana on Craigslist. Craigslist, the popular website-cum-electronic bulletin board, serves as, among other things, a platform to make requests for desired products or services, promote events, and meet other people. While illegal use is strongly discouraged, certain advertisements cleverly disguise their intentions and slip through the vigilant team monitoring the ads for odd, illegal or indecent behavior. An unedited version of the suspect’s post is below:



“Looking for an UNmemorable Night?...

You won’t remember it, but that’s a good thing…lol. I’m looking for someone to smoke tobacco with…fun-time tobacco, you know, the green-happy stuff. Get what I’m throwin’ down? Anyway, me, SWM, 31, looking for a good time. Hobbies include macaroni and cheese, discussing post-modernism and Three Stooges DVDs. The last two interests are actually best when done simultaneously. You: Good looking guy or girl, open-minded, and in possession of the fun-time tobacco. Would prefer you host, parents basement is a bit cramped, lol. Send me an e-mail or text me, if I don’t get back to within a day follow-up because I probably forgot.

Knowledge of Star-Wars, Netflix account, and frozen pizza supply that you’re willing to share strongly recommended but not required.”



If you or anyone you know comes across ads such as these they should be flagged immediately, or immediately contact your local congressman as they are most likely responsible for the initial post.

Thank you, the Craigslist Team.

Road Journal Part 5: End of Southwest and Midwest

6/9/11 Did the gig tonight, had a fun time though the crowd was a bit rowdy. Hoping I can fall asleep so I can get a few hours in before heading back to the Albuquerque airport tomorrow. I’m ready to be in a more familiar environment, I’m more than ready to fly home. The west coast/south west has been a great run overall. I’ve learned a good deal, had some great shows (some not so great), met some cool people, and re-connected with many friends and comics, which has been absolutely incredible for me. When you get to see so many friends in so many cities, you never have much time to get homesick. I still only feel like I’ve been gone about two weeks even though it’s nearly been a month. The rest of the June dates will be closer to home which will be wonderful. I’m tired of airports, tired of rental cars, tired of buses, I’m ready to rejoin Erlinda (my car) and be on home turf. Plus, for some dates Germs is going to come with me, so I’ll have company. Germs is my girlfriend, I’m tired of typing “my girlfriend” all the time so from hereon in she will be referred to as Germs. That’s not her real name, that’s her nickname, her nickname that I don’t even think she likes, but I came up with it, and it’s my blog, so it goes. I’m looking to wrap this up because I’ve got a long day ahead tomorrow, but a few run highlights: Getting to do some weeks in the Northwest and return to Seattle, it was a thrill to return to the area and I hope it will continue to play a role in my career, San Francisco and Los Angeles, shows and networking out there, getting to catch Love in Vegas and spend some time with Germs and my family, getting to see my cousins in Arizona, going up to “American Jesus” by Bad Religion in Utah, Phoenix gigs, Austin people, getting to see the following states for the first time: Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas. It’s been real 102-degree heat, but I’ll catch ya later!



6/15/11 I didn’t bring my laptop with me the past few days so I didn’t bother updating this. We brought Germs’ laptop because it’s in much better shape than mine, which is on its last legs. Bloomington shows went great, had some college buddies show up too which was awesome. My college crew makes me laugh like no other, they’re all way funnier than me so I’m glad none of them ever considered stand-up. Of course, a few years have gone by, so most have careers, some are married, but it’s nice when some familiar faces can make it down to Bloomington. Memphis was a good time, got to get some delicious food on Beale St, and we did the Graceland and Sun Studio tours. I had been to Memphis before but Germs hadn’t so we made sure we went to all the sites. Nashville, like Bloomington, was a re-connection for me. I don’t mean in terms of shows, it was my first time doing comedy in Nashville…Zanies is an absolutely beautiful club by the way. I did an internship in Nashville while I was in college and lived there for 3 months. It was an amazing time full of random encounters, massive nights and memorable friendships. Not to mention I crashed Billy Currington’s album-going-gold party and had no idea who he was. Thanks for the free food, Sony. Anyway, I went down to the youth hostel I used to live at to see if the guy that ran the place was around but I guess he doesn’t live on-site anymore. The kid in the office told me he had returned to his condo for the night. I was leaving the next morning so I just went back. The place had come a long way since it was my stomping ground back in ’06. Was great to see you/thanks for letting me crash/great to meet you: Hiromi, Patrick and Melinda, Sunny, Ashley and Aaron, Germs’ folks, Raanad and Josh, Deanne and Justin, Chad and all the Nashville comics. I’m back at my house now and will be in the area for a bit until heading to Buffalo and then Boston. Speaking of Boston, made it home in time to catch most of Game 7, though it wasn’t much of one. So it goes, Lord Stanley.

Road Journal Part 4: Vacation, Utah and Phoenix

6/4/11 I honestly don’t know how I’m still awake. I drove through the night from Phoenix to Vegas, now I’m waiting for my flight to Austin. It’s been a little bit since I’ve written anything for this, reason being I had my built in vacation and didn’t feel like keeping up the routine. I went to Vegas for a couple days and met up with my family and girlfriend. I would’ve liked to have gotten some showcase stuff together while I was out there but I only had two days to spend so decided to treat it as a break. I got to see the Blue Man Group and Love. Blue Man Group dragged a little at times for me but overall was a cool show. Love was pretty solid as well, they made a unique contribution to the large list of work inspired by the Beatles’ music. While I’m a bit skeptical of stuff like that, I can honestly say I enjoyed their adaptation. After Vegas I drove to Flagstaff to visit my cousins who were out there. I got to hike through a lava cave, see Saturn through a telescope, and I took my little cousins swimming, which marked the first time in my life I was ever responsible for the lives of other human beings. Although it was only for an hour-and-a-half I find it worth mentioning that all parties involved made it back from the pool safe and sound. Victory. I think I’m ready to own a dog, though that’s not in the cards anytime soon. After Flagstaff, gigs started up again in Utah. I’d never been to Utah or Arizona for that matter, so it was cool to knock a few more states of the list. After Utah I headed back the way I came to head to Phoenix.



Phoenix was a great time, there’s some really cool rooms out there, plus I got to re-connect with my buddy Todd Hibbeler and his girlfriend, Leah. Which, since I mentioned dogs earlier they have an awesome Boston-Terrier named Waldo. Waldo had mad energy all the time, he even fetched Nerf darts. He’s afraid of stairs and sometimes shits in his cage, needless to say Waldo and I got along pretty well. That’s not to say that I’m afraid of stairs or shit in cages, neither of those habits apply to me, but a dog with qualities like those, what’s not to love? The drive from Phoenix to Vegas was much better than any of the driving I’ve done so far on this trip because I actually had good music with me. Before I was just relying on the radio, but Todd, being the swell guy that he is, allowed me to borrow as many of his CDs as I wanted since he has all of his music backed up on his computer. Fortunately, Todd and I listen to similar music so finding CDs I wanted for the drive was not an issue at all. Having to rely on terrestrial radio is, I would argue at this point, a minor form of torture. Between static, commercials, annoying jocks and insipid play-lists I honestly don’t see how anybody can enjoy commercial radio these days, and when it’s your only option for an 8-hour-drive, you feel it, at least I did. Todd saved me with some great albums to keep me awake. Thanks/was awesome to see you/to meet you goes out to: The family, girlfriend & cousins of course, Susan Jones, Kirk Buckout and all the Phoenix comics, and of course Todd and Leah, thank you for letting me crash, an extremely awesome time and some great tunes for the drive. To Austin!

Road Journal Part 3: California

5/26/11: San Francisco seemed like one day, and I mean that in a good way. Time has flown the past few days, but I can certainly tell I’m in California, which again, I mean in a good way. Did a few sets in San Francisco, had a great time at Brainwash and the Rockit Room, I also got to spend some time with my buddy Stueve who let me crash at his place. Stueve’s got a gorgeous set-up close to Golden Gate Park and North Beach. I never spent much time in that part of town, so during most of my time during the days I hung out in that area. I didn’t get to some of my favorite spots: Chinatown, Little Italy, City Lights Books, but I had a short time to spend and had stuff to do. Besides, after shows we hit some pretty cool bars, and on Tuesday night Karen was in town and her and her boyfriend Ed came out which was awesome. Later Tuesday night Stueve took me to this burrito place where I had some of the best Mexican food I’ve had in a while. That place is definitely a repeat. So far Los Angeles has been going strong. Shows went well, met some cool people, and got to see some great comedy as well which has been nice. Ed Galvez’s show in Santa Monica is a great room. The last time I was in LA I wasn’t really doing comedy, I had been on stage a few times but was going through that period where I was debating whether or not stand-up was something I really wanted to do. Coming back to LA now that I’ve been doing this for a bit I have a much greater appreciation for the city and how it works. I used to only ever want to consider New York in terms of relocating, but after this trip I think I’d be open to either one, especially since winter is not among my favorite things these days. I’m staying with Jesse Case and he’s got a gorgeous place. Apparently this place I’m staying at used to be an old Hollywood hang-out. There’s a shaded porch with tables, surrounded by orange and lemon trees, a pool and a hot-tub. Rumor has it Marilyn Monroe swam in this pool before. Jesse’s writing space is certainly far superior to my little office writing space in Pittsburgh so I’ve been enjoying spending the days writing jokes in the shade and hanging out by the pool and hitting the comedy shows and stages by night.

5/27/11: I dozed off pool-side reading some David Sedaris. Life on the road is tough. Earlier today Jesse helped me record another Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee episode which was very helpful. Hopefully I’ll get to knock out another segment or two before returning to Pittsburgh. Not too much else to report, trying to get some writing done, and planning out the rest of my summer when I return from the road. LA’s definitely helped me have a better idea of some of the work that needs to be done in the near future to keep this whole thing moving along and not stand still. Tonight Jesse and I are going to hit some stages and then tomorrow I head off to Las Vegas to take a break for the holiday weekend and meet up with my girlfriend and family. I definitely can’t wait to see them, still, I only feel like I’ve been gone about a week, which is good and hopefully will continue. Some California shout-outs are in order. It was great to see you all again and catch up/nice to meet you: Alysia Wood, Andy Wood, Andrew Sleighter, Ed Galvez, Danny Dechi, all of the LA comics that I got to meet and hang out with/put me up, Karen and Ed, Stueve, Tim and all of Stueve’s roommates for not minding the passed out dude on the couch, Jesse Case for letting me tag along for the evenings, letting me crash, and picking me up from the hustle and bustle that is LAX. It’s been real Los Angeles, tonight we duel again and tomorrow I head for Vegas.

Road Journal Part 2: Pacific Northwest Continued

5/18/11 It’s been a few days because Seattle’s kept me on the busy side. Odd Duck Show on Sunday went well, Monday night I hosted the open-mic at the Comedy Underground. Hosting the Monday is something out-of-town comics usually do when they’re coming back through, so it was cool to come back through for the first time since I moved. It was cool to see Seth doing his thing managing the club, and it was great to see some familiar faces, although well-over half the comics I didn’t even recognize. Tuesday I hosted a gong show in Lynnwood, WA which was a good time as well. Tonight, unfortunately, the Thurst gig got cancelled. It used to be on Thursday and this was the first week it was on a Wednesday. Message must not have spread because there were only 3 comics and no audience. I’m one of those people that takes a canceled gig pretty hard. You bled to get where you’re at, the show must go on. Even if it’s an open-mic, hell, let’s just work-shop on stage together, anything to avoid canceling. I remember winter last year when the huge snow storm happened, nobody really left home for about 5 days. Finally, people could get out and I had something scheduled at I believe the old Funnybone and it was canceled due to no audience. I needed to get on stage that night, it was withdrawal. I ended up going to every bar in the Southside that was supposed to do open-mic that night, everything was canceled because people still weren’t coming out. Finally, after the third attempt, I went back into the bar with the canceled open-mic and asked the bartender, the only other person besides me in the establishment, if I could do five-minutes for her. That’s how much I hate canceled gigs. But, I don’t like to step on people’s toes or have them think I’m crazy because I think we should just deal with the hurricane and maybe just shave 5 minutes off everybody’s set before the stage gets demolished. Besides, there were several bright spots: I got to record another segment thanks to Brett Hamil letting me use his audio segment, and then Brett, myself, and Owen Straw hung out for awhile, which was awesome. The closest bus I caught back to where I’m staying let me off over 30 blocks away from where I needed to be. I put my head down, my hood up and started up the hill. I wasn’t hanging out with friends anymore, so I had nothing but the weight of a canceled gig on my shoulders, no distractions anymore. When it comes to comedy, I’ve learned to take the good in with the bad. There’s nights where you feel like you’ve got the world by the balls and then there’s other nights where taking a toaster in the bathtub doesn’t seem like a bad idea, any other way and it’d be boring or fake. I got home to find an e-mail from my mom that they’re likely going to have to put the old family cat, Blizzard, down. He wasn’t the world’s friendliest cat, but he’d been around since I was 13, it’ll be weird without him around. Besides, I’m drawn to cats partially because they have somewhat of a fuck-you attitude towards humanity. Nothing wrong with a little critical thinking and nothing wrong with critical concluding, if I ever brought life on to this planet I’d want my kid to be the one that questioned what they were agreeing to while being taught the pledge of allegiance. Anyway, needless to say, crappy news on top of a crappy occurrence. I’m trying to shrug the night off, tomorrow’s another day. All-in-all, so far so good. Shows have been solid, with exception to tonight of course, and I’ve got to re-connect with a lot of people, which has been awesome. Here’s to sleep and a new day.



5/19/11: Yesterday started rough but then ended amazing. I woke up still relatively bummed out about the whole situation with Blizzard which made me reflect on my old roommate, Kimmie, who’s part of the reason I ended up in Seattle, who I discovered had passed away last year. But, I had a great day which helped me get through the depressing parts. I started off doing Mike Cumming’s podcast. We talked about comedy, academia, politics, family life, my relationship, the Northwest, the Midwest, the Who, Pink Floyd, movies I hadn’t seen, Joaquin Phoenix and that’s all I can remember off the top of my head but there was oodles more. How does it all tie together you ask? You’ll have to listen to the podcast when it comes out! Oh, podcasting, we talked about that too. Later I met up with my good buddy Ed and had lunch. It was great to see Ed doing well and enjoying living in Capitol Hill and working in downtown Seattle. We talked about the east for awhile because Ed’s from Boston. Later I met up with Karen and she got a snack and we headed to the Comedy Underground. I did a quick set and got to catch up with Derek Sheen, Rory Scovel, Seth Lazear, and Carl Wormenhoven. It was great to see everybody and it was really great to see Carl after he had had his stroke. Carl seemed in great spirits. First thing I said to him, “Carl, how are you feeling?” “How am I feeling? Or, what am I feeling?” Carl even returned to the stage not too long ago. I did my set but then had to split for dinner plans with friends. Had dinner at my favorite spot in Seattle, Brad’s Swingside Café. Was amazing to see Brad and spend a relaxing evening with friends enjoying good food and wine. Next time I come out this way I need to make sure to schedule a few days with no gigs at all I can enjoy nights like these more, it’s important. Ringo said it best, I get by with a little help from my friends.



5/21/11 Carmen’s was a blast as expected. I love that club. It’s obvious that Carmen’s in it because she loves comedy and truly cares about the club she’s running. I wish I could say that about every club owner I’ve met, but that’s definitely not the case. Earlier today I got to attend a Hawaiian jam session with Kermet Apio, who headlined the weekend at Carmen’s. I’ve never sat in on anything like that before so it was a fun cultural experience. The place we went to for the session was a Teriyaki restaurant run by some people who were at the show on Friday night. They gave us our lunches for free which was incredibly kind of them. I regretted not bringing my camera to the event to get some photos. Anyway, the shows went great, crowds were fun and energetic, decent sized especially considering summer’s lurking in the shadows. Tomorrow I head to San Francisco in the evening and should probably get to bed.



5/22/11 The N Gate at Seatac Airport has the worst food options known to man. 5-ish hours ago Kermet and I had Thai food in Issaquah which was excellent, I’m hungry again and had I known that my food options would be this lousy I would have eaten elsewhere in the airport. There’s a Starbucks and a Burger King, I don’t mind Starbucks but it’s not all that helpful when I’m looking for food, and there’s a place called the Bagel Bakery and some other restaurant called Big Foot or something original like that and they feature dishes that revolve around baked beans. They should re-name this gate the culinary abortion gate. First, the bagel place. I’m all about bagel sandwiches but this place has bagels that look like they’ve been sitting for a few days, topped with meats, add-ons and condiments, however don’t worry, portions are small enough so that it doesn’t bleed over the bagel at all. That’ll be $9 please. The other restaurant revolves around baked beans…enough said. Even if you like baked beans, you don’t start a restaurant that revolves around a food that’s most commonly associated with transient people and a campfire. Whoever came up with the idea for this moronic bagel shop must have also dreamt up the idea for this lame-ass baked bean train-wreck. I refuse to accept that the notion that there are two different people breathing on this planet who are capable of such shitty ideas. It’s one guy who lives in the San Juan Islands, listens to John Melloncamp daily and blames all of his problems on Obama. If you ever find yourself near that dude’s house please feel free to take a whiz in the flowerbed. I’m going to have to choose between a rock and an over-priced bagel turd soon though, because I’m dizzy with hunger. In closing, it was wonderful to return to the Northwest, I definitely need to be getting back here at least once a year. It was amazing to see so many wonderful people both in comedy and personal friends. Thank you all very much. It’d be too monotonous to name everybody, and I’m sure I’d forget some people, ah…what the hell. Thank you/it was awesome to see you and you’re great/it was awesome to meet you in no particular order to: Adam Norwest & family, Brian & Cherin, Brett Hamil, Owen Straw, Billy Wayne Davis, Jen Seaman, Andrew Rivers, Solomon Georgio, Barb Sehr, Derek Sheen, Rory Scovel, Ian Edwards, Jonas Barnes, Quincy Jones, Mark Walton, Charles Dorby, Emmett & Kate Montgomery, Joe Fontenot, Brian Boshes, Seth Lazear, Carl Wormenhoven, Mike Cummings, Carmen Garrison, Kermet Apio, Doug & Kermet’s jam buddies, Benee Kent, Tracy & Linn, the Garrison crew, Anthony Calderon, Tom at One Eyed Jack’s, Sunday night karaoke crew, Ed Cleaves and the legendary Brad Inserra, it’s been way too long, and last but certainly not least, James and Karen, you guys are the greatest. If anybody reading this feels they’ve been left out blame Gate N for holding me without nourishment against my will.

Road Journal Part 1: Pacific Northwest

5/13/11: Tacoma, WA: I find road-journals tacky. Extremely tacky. Some people use it as a platform to just boast about what they’re up to, others as a last resort at solidifying some type of accomplishment, others as something to later give their unborn children that they probably should reconsider having. Then, of course, there’s that special something that occurs when it’s done right: It’s incredibly fun and therapeutic to read. And it has been done right, just read Henry Rollins or Michael Azerrad. That being said, I can’t promise that I’ll do this right. But, I can promise that my intentions aren’t to excessively drop names or validate myself or anything else, there’s plenty of that going on elsewhere, and besides I’ve got nothing to prove. My intention is to provide something mildly informative and entertaining for anybody who’s wondering how this little tour of mine is going. I guess it’s less common for a comic to go on an extended run hitting charted out cities in the same manner that a band does when they go on tour, but plenty of comics do, I’m not the first or last, and quite frankly I think that’s a good thing. So, moving right along, Tuesday night, May 10, I hit a few spots in Pittsburgh and said my goodbyes to some of the comics there. Early the next morning I flew out to Seattle with my final destination being Tacoma Comedy Club. First and foremost, wonderful club, wonderful people. Couldn’t have been nicer or more accommodating. I got off the flight from Minneapolis at about 11:15am. I was operating on about 2 hours sleep, although I slept most of the time on both flights so I caught up some. I had a bag of pretzels on one flight and cookies on the other, they let you pick your snacks at Delta, woot! When I landed I knew I had to somehow find my way to Tacoma. Despite having lived in this area for several years I had only been to Tacoma three times and all three times were for gigs so I was in and out, needless to say I didn’t know the area very well or how to get to and from. I called the club owner about getting the key to the comics’ condo, and he told me he was planning on picking me up from the airport and taking me there, which was thrilling to hear. I went to baggage claim, and waited for my ride.



Wednesday night was open-mic night. The owner asked me if I wanted to stop by and I said yes, I wanted to get the stage-jetlag off before the weekend started. I ended up hosting, and apparently it was an off-night as only a handful of comics showed up. Still, we all had a fun time.



On to Thursday, Ian Edwards is headlining this week and he’s fresh off a Conan appearance. He’s been doing boatloads of local press for the shows this week so the club’s been busy getting him to local television spots and whatnot. Dug his set, he has a bit about sharks that made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt. That doesn’t happen too often, and usually when it does it’s when I’m hanging out with my former college colleagues from the Governor’s Mansion. Earlier that day I took a long walk to downtown, they had a farmer’s market going on which was nice. Tacoma’s tiny so I walked all the way down to the port. Tacoma’s a nicer place than people give it credit for, but in terms of scenery I’ve got to say I’m itching for Seattle.



5/14/11 I’ve had an odd craving for sushi the past few days which has gone unquenched. I’m trying to monitor my budget and grocery store sushi just doesn’t seem rational as it’s expensive and not all that filling. As today’s the last day of the club run, I decided to load up on some groceries for the day at the Safeway up the hill. I had previously been going to Save-A-Lot, so I thought, “what the hell, it’s sunny, it’s my last day here, I may as well splurge and go to Safeway!” As I approached the parking lot I saw a woman yelling at her child. She picked him up, held him chest-high with one arm, and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him with the other. After a few blows she put him down, and then continued beating him while he was standing. Kid started crying and she continued yelling at him, I have no clue what this kid did or could’ve done because one second they were just walking to the car and the next she’s kicking the shit out of him. I now know why the locals tell you to beware the Hill-Top. I still stand by what I said, Tacoma is nicer than people give it credit for, but I did write said statement before I wondered up to the Hill-Top Safeway. I still stand by it, but with far less enthusiasm than I had yesterday. The Safeway wasn’t anything to write-home about, tiny, small selection and over-priced even for Northwest rates. I looked at a few sandwiches and deli options, everything was at least one-day old and I could get a cheaper sandwich at Subway. I left Safeway empty-handed and instead opted for the Subway down the road.

Due to a conversation I had at the Maproom, one of my new favorite bars, I’m reading “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” It had been on the list for quite some time and I never got around to it, people have told me it’s the perfect travel book so I decided it’d be my first summer-reading on the road. I think once I’m done I’ll do something else light, because later in the month I’m planning on diving into some heavier works some of my colleagues had recommended.

I haven’t mentioned the shows much thus far, and that’s for the sole reason that I’m slightly weird and superstitious about that sort of thing, especially club weeks. Meaning, the shows were going strong, so I didn’t want to mention something on Friday and then jinx the rest of the week. Alas, strong shows were had from start to finish. Late show Saturday was tiny bit rowdier because there were a lot of fairly drunk people, but nothing unreasonable or out of line, crowds were great all around, all the comics were great to work with and even got to meet a few people popping in for guest sets from out of town.



5/15/11: My original plans to hop a bus to Seattle at my leisure changed when the bar manager, Brian, invited me to his birthday brunch at Salty’s at Redondo Beach. If you happen to reside in the Northwest area, their seafood brunch is absolutely incredible. I joined Brian and his wife, Sharon, who also works at the comedy club, and then they told me they’d take me to Seattle because they were going there for the day for his birthday. Needless to say it is a very, very pleasant surprise to enjoy an absolutely incredible seafood buffet and make some new friends when you were originally planning to spend way too long on a Sound Transit bus. Kudos to Brian and Sharon for being so flippin’ cool. They dropped me off in Capitol Hill and wished me well, I told them we should plan on doing this again next time I’m in the area.



I hung out at the Tully’s near the Odd Duck Theater because I had all my stuff with me and didn’t want to be walking around too much before the show. I got some e-mails sent and writing done and sipped on a cup of coffee. Staying in trend with pleasant surprises I got a call from Brian Boshes saying that he was going to be meeting his girlfriend in Capitol Hill and that he’d head up early so we could chat awhile at Tully’s. I’ve always pegged Brian a renaissance-man because he has a technically demanding job at Amazon, is a very funny and talented comic, and he can build shit. Turns out he’s an entrepreneurial mind as well! It’s always great to catch up with old friends. Which I got to do a lot of last night! It was amazing to see some familiar comic-faces at the show last night, and it was super, super awesome that some friends came out to the show and are letting me crash at their place. Shout-outs to commence later.

THOUGHTS, RANTS AND COLD COFFEE ON NEW DISSIDENT RADIO!!

Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee has recently been getting airplay on New Dissident Radio. New Dissident Radio is an online radio network out of Los Angeles. From their webpage:



“Created by award winning radio personality & veteran comedian Johnny Dam, New Dissident Radio finally fills the intellectual gap other talk radio stations ignore…a home for anything that flies in the face of social convention. It’s not for the light of mind or those of abnormally strong moral fiber. It’s for those that want and expect more from their talk radio radio AND their Internet!

Dissidence breeds knowledge

Silence breeds ignorance”



Needless to say, it’s a thrill and an honor to be played on a network alongside such acts as Johnny Dam, Rick Shapiro, Dylan Brody, Kelly Carlin and many, many more. Check out New Dissident Radio at http://www.newdissidentradio.com/ and be sure to check out Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee!!

Corbett Proposes Budget Solutions for Higher Education

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett has been urging various state universities to consider shale drilling to help them with their expected budget cuts. “Look, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and I thought, what better egg to break than higher education, so these cuts are pretty significant, I mean, not enough people in academia vote for me anyway and the students don’t care, so we may as well drill.”



Under the current law, however, any royalties from said drilling would go to the state’s Oil and Gas Lease fund and not the University. When questioned about this, Corbett shrugged and threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground, “Details, details! I mean come on, look at all this land, sure some people see a preserved nature-esque campus ideal for scholarly pursuit, but me, I see dollar signs baby!”



Governor Corbett went on to give further suggestions for Universities to seek out revenue in light of his proposed budget cuts, “Start a garden, you could grow all kinds of crops and sell them at wholesale, have the students tend to them so then you won’t even have to pay for the labor, give them internship credit or something.” Gov. Corbett did indicate, however, that school must come first. “Oh, definitely, I mean we only want the best for these kids and the awesome job market they’re getting into, so unless your GPA is above a 1.7 you won’t get the opportunity to work in these campus gardens.”

Other revenue-building suggestions from the Governor included leasing out campus land for mini-landfills, eliminating all student and employee benefits, and holding volunteer bake sales. He even offered to rent space on campus for his campaign office. “We’ll transform a place on campus that’s pretty much useless, you know, like a library or something.”



Before leaving Corbett once again emphasized drilling. “There’s no reason not to, we should totally drill, it’ll be safe, I’ve got a whole committee overseeing all of this,” he added, “a few of them even have environmental backgrounds.”

Be a Music Major, it's Cheaper!

University of Nebraska-Lincoln is proposing a new tuition structure in which tuition amounts would vary depending on the student’s major. According to the World-Harold Bureau, UNL Chancellor, Harvey Perlman, is slated to present what has been deemed the “differential tuition proposal” to the NU Board of Regents this coming Friday.



The proposal is expected to allow UNL to charge more tuition for some undergraduate programs than others. With the rise of student-debt, the bleak job market and the diminishing value of a bachelor’s, this policy may soon become common place at Universities all across America.



Soon the “chasing-the-dream” majors won’t be senseless, they’ll be affordable! Here’s a list of the 5 most economically-friendly majors to make tuition as manageable as possible:



5. Theater- sure every-so-often somebody breaks into movies, or has some success on the stage, but with all that tuition money you could’ve gotten a studio in LA or New York and have spent four years establishing yourself in the business. Not to mention the desperation and self-loathing would fine-tune your thespian skills and teach you something you can’t get in a classroom. Now, with your slated earning potential tuition will be so affordable you can graduate, head right out to the big city, and not even need food-stamps for a solid month.



4. Creative Writing- You know you can do that in your bed-room for free right? Hell, you don’t even need a home, just a pen, maybe a notebook. You don’t need a degree to do creative writing and you certainly don’t need much start-up cash, just ask Charles Bukowski, and that was back in the day when you still had to pay for postage to send those submissions in, it’s e-mail now baby! Of course, like most writers, you can’t ask the Buk about this because he died awhile ago with little to his name, as you likely will too. Given the bleak life most writers lead, why add student debt to the mix? Creative writing tuition is at a bare minimum so you can fuel your alcoholism for years to come!



3. Art History- These days a job at a museum requires nothing more than a hipster hair-cut and a bad attitude. Four years of memorizing names from the Renaissance seems like a lot more work! Worry not, with this low tuition there’ll be enough left over to buy new hair dye every week!



2. General Studies- “Hi Prospective Employer, here’s a piece of paper that I took 7-years to earn that basically says I was never able to make up my mind.”

Umm…We’ll call you if we’re interested…

With tuition this low, the phone bill will always be paid on time so employers can contact you anytime day or night. *Disclaimer: That doesn’t mean that they will.



1. Music Business- Yes, it’s an actual degree, learn the music industry by being, well, far away from it. Tuition is extremely low though, so low that you’ll always have cash to get into that rock show one of your co-workers swore “they put your name on the guest-list for.” And remember, that story about meeting Dylan will always make you the center of attention at dinner parties…some things money can’t buy.

Glenn Beck's Book: Why I read it

In my academic-life, a hat I wear 9 months out of the year generally from Monday-Thursday, I came across the one-and-only Glenn Beck and his “book” Arguing With Idiots. I actually chose to indulge myself in this masterpiece and why? Because I was given an assignment to write a review of a popular press book that deals with issues addressing civility. It could be an example of civility, or an example of incivility. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was read some how-to handbook on talking to co-workers. There are many reasons I pursue comedy and academia, one of them is because I don’t particularly want co-workers. I don’t want to share a cube, I don’t want the small-talk, I don’t want to hear about somebody’s kids or their weekend at the casino and pretend like I’m interested, not for me. And I did the day-job thing for a bit. Bought that ticket, took the ride, removed my body harness, exited to my left and said, “Well, I came, I saw, not for me, so long and thanks for the calendars.” So, a book like that was out. There was a second thing I knew regarding my book selection…This project was going to be boring as hell if I chose something I agreed with. “This is a wonderful example of civility and boy, was it a page-turner.” No thanks, not going that route, give me something to get pissed about, give me something that’ll make me question the progress of my species, give me something coffee-table sized and with LOTS OF PICTURES.



I thought of a couple titles, Ann Coulter was in the running and several others, but sooner than later I landed on Beck. The reason being quite simple: He was readily available in the University library. Besides, I thought Glenn Beck would be interesting, he had just done his Rally less than a year ago, he was always finding his way to the spot-light, and I still remember the Glenn Beck Day fiasco out in the Northwest. I lived in Seattle at the time so I got to watch up close as even his home-town of 32,000 didn’t want him there. For those of you that may not remember said event here’s a brief snippet from my paper:



“City Council unanimously decided that they would have nothing to do with the event, issuing a statement that read: ‘Mount Vernon City Council is in no way sponsoring the Mayor’s event on September 26, 2009 and is not connected to the Glenn Beck event in any manner’ (Ariens, 1). Mayor Bud Norris, who knew Beck as a child, ended up paying for the event. The event drew over 800 protestors and a petition to cancel the event started by FUSE Washington recruited over 16,000 signatures, nearly half of Mount Vernon’s population.”



I went to pick up the book from the library the day after I got the project approved, which I was a bit surprised that I got the green light but the professor told me that nobody had ever taken the route I was interested in before and she was excited for something different. I picked up a few other books I needed along with Glenn Beck’s masterpiece. The girl checking my books out noticed the Glenn Beck title and smiled, “My dad is a huge Glenn Beck fan, he watches him, like, every night.” “Well, I’m not, this is for research.” Silence. “Oh, well, these are due back March 22.”



That conversation was about as awkward as reading Glenn Beck’s book. I’m not quite sure what’s so inconvenient about An Inconvenient Book but based on my experience with Arguing… I’d imagine it’s inconvenient because one needs Tums on hand at all times just to get through it. First, the structure of the book:



“The structure of the content in the book itself made reading difficult. The pages had different boxes and side-bars that contained various quips, ideas, quotes from deemed ‘idiots,’ and statistics that were not directly aligned with the text. One of these reoccurring side-bars was appropriately named ‘A.D.D. moment,’ in which Beck would offer an idea, usually an opinion, to compliment what he was talking about. Most pages of the book featured at least two side-bars, with some having up to four. This allowed Beck to form his ideas in a cluttered, stream-of-conscious manner that made following the text difficult. I found myself having to review pages several times to stay on course with the ideas being presented. Pictures of Beck himself were at the end of each chapter in which he was wearing a George Washington wig. I found this excess of visual imagery unnecessary and distracting, and it made reading this book an unpleasant experience.”



Not to mention the picture of him in a wig was beyond creepy. It looked like he was constipated or had just finished snorting cocaine. Have you seen Jared Lee Loughner’s mug-shot? Yeah, it’s like that…Seriously.



I tried to keep track of every instance in which Glenn Beck made a blatantly insensitive or ignorant remark but honestly I quit after I had over 2 pages worth of notes and had only gotten through about 30 pages of the book. I decided to summarize:



“Due to space constraints within this paper, it would not be possible for me to list every instance where Mr. Beck issued a comment, quip or idea that was insensitive to another group that I found within one chapter let alone the entire book; however, here is a summary of several groups that Mr. Beck disrespects and devalues: First, there is the example above regarding large people; Oprah, Michael Moore and John Goodman. Second, Mr. Beck takes aim at women. The following is from a hypothetical rant on possible government-run healthcare: ‘You’d probably end up being able to visit only female, minority doctors who run zero-emission offices located on Indian Reservations’ (Beck, 17). The situations in which Mr. Beck forecasts the future are the moments in the book where it is increasingly difficult to follow his thought process. However, one can only assume Beck is implying that female doctors, in-particular minority female doctors, are not as good as male. Third, Mr. Beck has issues with intellectuals. ‘Ask a political-science nerd about what type of government Venezuela, Cuba,…or Vietnam have and you’re likely to get a dissertation…’ (Beck, 28). Here Mr. Beck expresses a problem with anyone who wants to examine and explain complex government systems, instead of labeling them as something to fear and dislike as Mr. Beck does. With tact one would expect from a first-grader, Mr. Beck dismisses anyone who may challenge his perspective as a ‘nerd.’ He sarcastically describes the world of progressive education as a ‘feel-good, sunshine and lollipops world’ (Beck, 67). Finally, Mr. Beck is no stranger to racism. In a hypothetical letter from the ‘U.S. Ministry of Education,’ an Orwellian-scenario Mr. Beck creates due to paranoia towards the Obama Administration, Mr. Beck’s designated restaurant is ‘Cantina del Mundo’ and his gas station is ‘MaliaMart’ (Beck, 76). The purpose of these names is to further the stereo-types that Mexican people always work in kitchens and Middle-Eastern people own gas stations and convenience stores.”



Oh, and I couldn’t help but noticing this reoccurring hypocrisy:

“Mr. Beck apparently is intrigued by large people in the public sphere as he also targeted John Goodman, ‘…is like trying to convince John Goodman to fill up on salad at a buffet—it’s against everything they stand for’ (Beck, 23), and Oprah, ‘like Oprah, government only knows how to get bigger’ (Beck, 24). Obese and large people are among the many groups Mr. Beck does not approve of, which is ironic considering his bigoted nationalism for the United States.”



Plus, let’s think a bit about demographic and fan-base here, I don’t like to generalize, but Glenn Beck hating on over-weight white people is like an indie-band hating on anyone that wears skinny-jeans…kind of biting the hand that feeds if you ask me.



“In conclusion, Arguing with Idiots, as the title would suggest, is destructive to any form of dialogic civility. Although some of Beck’s ideas are presented in a rational fashion, his constant use of verbal abuse, use of politics solely for polarization and threatening of personal standings and marginalization towards countless groups immediately dismisses cooperation while promoting a failure to listen. Name-calling, stereo-types, nationalism and luxury seem to rein superior to dialogue, problem-solving, cross-cultural understanding and service. While it would seem extreme to blame a talking-head like Beck for recent events in the political sphere such as the Gifford shootings in Arizona, this book clearly indicates that his work does nothing to prevent situations such as those. One of the main missions of our department, to paraphrase, is to ‘keep the conversation going.’ Reading this book allows one to understand the importance of said mission, as through misanthropic rants and hatred encased in conversation with an imaginary opponent, Beck displays the results that occur when the conversation ceases to exist.”



Now I know there are some people out there that want to play the whole “he’s a humorist” or “it’s meant for entertainment and comedy” card. True, it’s meant for entertainment, but so is the rest of TV news in this country as far as I’m concerned. However, if I ever thought for one second that what Glenn Beck was doing was comedy than comedy would be a genre I’d be ashamed to be part of. It’s not satirical, it’s mean-spirited, it’s not word-play, it’s polarization and laziness, and it’s not racial humor, it’s racist. You want some great humor on race? Check out Chris Rock, Bill Burr, Ty Barnett, Hari Kondabolu, W. Kamau Bell, the list goes on. You’ll be able to tell the difference between that and Glenn Beck, I promise.



One thing I’ll give Glenn Beck is that the title of the book is accurate. His opponent was imaginary, so for the entire book he was arguing with himself.

Some Thoughts On/From the Road

Ever since I was a little kid the idea of traveling as an artist intrigued me. I loved music, and I loved concerts even more, and I knew that the band, whoever they were, was on tour. What a way to live, I thought, you get to stay in hotels all the time, which was amazing to me. A hotel meant you were in a room that always smelled like a hotel, which was an awesome smell, and you could go swimming whenever you wanted, because in my small world every hotel had a pool. Of course, we all know swimming in a hotel pool was the 2nd most fun experience you could have, the first being swimming in an ocean. When I would go on family vacations, I would pretend that I was a famous musician on tour playing whatever location I was in (sure it’s weird that we’re doing 7-days worth of shows in the Outerbanks, what can I say, we’re a big draw here!) As a 10-or-so-year-old, touring was it, that was the alpha and the omega, that was for me, I wanted to conquer the US and then the world, I wanted to play 7-nights a week, I wanted to have atlases coming out of my ears because GPS wasn’t invented yet!!!

The first time I went on the road, which wasn’t all that long ago, I felt like my life had forever changed. This was what all of those other comics were telling me about all those times I did guest sets, and they weren’t bull-shitting, this is IT!!! I thought to myself, “how could anyone possibly ever get tired of this? This is the greatest thing in the world!” The headliner I was out with, a guy out of LA named Jerry Corley, was incredibly cool to me, gave me some very valuable advice and even carried me back to the hotel room one night after I had a bit too much to drink. I came back from that week and I’m pretty sure I lost money, but none of that mattered, something was different, it was loosing one’s virginity all over again. I had a strut for a week.

Several years have gone by since then and I travel fairly frequently on the weekends and throughout the year, I’ve realized that it’s not the rush it was the first time, in fact sometimes it’s not fun at all, and not everybody you meet along the way is cool, and comedy has gone from a labor of love to a reasonably consistent part-time income that I count on each month. I used to say that if this ever starts feeling like a job I would quit, and while I had the right idea, I was naïve to a certain degree when I said that. I’ve since changed my position, if it ever starts feeling like a job that I don’t love doing, that’s when I’ll quit. This weekend I was in central-PA and when I woke up Saturday morning and I was congested and my voice was hoarse. I guess the temperature in my room was not a good match and it messed with my sinuses big time. What I wanted more than anything was to sit at home, watch Netflix with my girlfriend and the cats, have a Hot Toddy to clear the sinuses and pass out. But that was not to be the case, home was 4 hours away and I had some shows to get through. I threw down a Monster, had some water and got through it, and it was a fun time even though health-wise I wasn’t quite myself. I didn’t want to be anywhere other than my own bed that night, so I embarked on the drive home as quickly as I could. I was greeted with rain the entire way home, took me longer than it should’ve and I was beyond exhausted when I finally got through the front door. It was well worth it though because I was able to get some meds going right away and by Sunday afternoon I was pretty much back to normal, which was good because I had dinner plans. Anyway, I guess what I’m getting at is that sometimes it does feel like a job. It’s not particularly fun staring at maps for hours on end trying to figure out routing to put together summer shows, it’s not fun sending out e-mail after e-mail, call after call, it’s not fun showing up somewhere to showcase and then finding out the booker left early that night even though you talked to them beforehand, and, of course, like the other 99% of comics out there I’m no stranger to rejection. But, at the end of the day, I’m enjoying the fact that I can spend time doing all those things instead of punching a time clock for somebody else, and…fuck it, what I’m trying to say is I could really use an agent.


The Winnipeg Smoker and Justin Bieber

‘Sarah Palin’ trademarked her name…Apparently she doesn’t want what happened to Rick Santorum



A student in Connecticut prompted his own arrest by calling 911 to ask how much trouble he could get into for growing marijuana. At first the dispatcher gave him the benefit of the doubt, but his follow-up question was where could he buy Bob Marley CDs, and then he called back 5-minutes later and tried to order a pizza.



Young Alex Barton was voted out of his Kindergarten class by his fellow students for his behavior, this resulted in a $350,000 settlement. Who knew social outcasts could make that much money without starting a rock band?

Alex will receive the money throughout his life through age 18, which makes one wonder if he’ll write any of his former classmates…

“Enjoying my all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii, how was the rest of Kindergarten without me? Hey, maybe if you come to this resort and vote me out of it I’ll get another couple nights here!”



Religious Group “Good As You” compares Homosexuality to second-hand smoke…if lesbian porn causes lung cancer I think we’re all in trouble



A young Winnipeg man had an altercation with cops due to reports of an armed assailant nearby. They held him at gunpoint and told him to drop the cigarette to which he responded that he “only had 2 drags left.” When he was arrested he needed two seats in the cop car, one for himself and the other to prop up his balls.

Once the altercation was resolved the man was reported to have been breathing easier, although still wheezing a bit.



Justin Bieber fans attack Esperanza Spalding's Wikipedia page the day following his Grammy loss, good to know that so many middle-schools have the internet these days.

Friends...Please Read...

Does the ... make you think it's bad news? Just curious. Well, it isn't. In fact, it's pretty good news.



This summer, I will be going on a fairly extensive summer tour. My goal is to hit every nook and cranny I possibly can within reason. I'm going to be doing a little bit of everything ranging from feature club weeks, to one-nighters, to showcases, to independent shows, to open-mics, you get the idea...Hell, if you are reading this and my itinerary finds me close to you I'll do a show in your basement if you want, there's nothing like that on the agenda yet but I'd be open to it. Point is, everything and anything. Some places I'm going to strictly for the gig itself, other places I'm going to for networking, some places I'm going to because I have friends there and want to check the place out, why not mix a little business with pleasure right?



So, to all my friends out there, if you're looking for some summer company, drop me a line. Chances are I've already contacted you in regards to this manner, in which case rest assured I'm looking forward to seeing you.



This is something I've been wanting to do since I was 12-years-old playing in garage punk bands. I've been on the road a fair amount since I've been doing comedy, but this will be the first time that I'm doing something this extensive and, possibly most importantly, on my own terms. As of right now, all of the shows I have confirmed are listed under the "Shows" section of my website. More will be announced as they are confirmed. Hope to see you on the road! Again, if you're interested in putting on a show or think I should definitely be adding your town to my list, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Creed: Animals would rather starve than listen to our Music

Sounds like a harsh review from a pretentious music journalist doesn't it? Sadly, for pseudo-grunge-pseudo-Christian-rock-sort-of band Creed, it's actually a reality.

In Rakkestdad, 13-year-old Walter Eikrem was walking home from his school bus stop when he saw four wolves near his home, his mother had meant to pick him up because she had heard reports of wolves being in the area, but she got held up shopping.

Eikrem had remembered his mother's advice that he should never run from wolves (apparently his mother is better at giving advice than she is at providing transportation), and decided to turn his speakers on full-blast to scare them away. The song playing was "Overcome" by Creed. The wolves left and Eikrem is fine, however, tragically, the use of the song "Overcome" indicates that the band Creed is still making music, as this is an unknown fact for the majority of society many are disappointed by the news. Especially, as coincidence would have it, the wolves themselves.

My animal correspondent and cat, Lucy, was able to get in a few words with Tucker, one of the wolves at the scene.

Lucy: So, what have you guys been doing in the area?

Tucker: We're just passing through, I know people are kind of freaked out with us being here but whatever, they'll just have to evolve, we got to move, ya know?

Lucy: Well being domesticated myself I can only imagine, so you have my sympathy.

Tucker: You know, there were some classical violinists back in the day that used us as mascots so to speak, that was way back when, one of my great-great-grandfathers had that gig for awhile. You know, over the years you'd think with Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, that someone would've gotten on board but nobody has, what can you do?

Lucy: I guess you guys have been a bit under-represented these days...

Tucker: There's the Twilight crap, but really that doesn't help us, my pack's a bunch of rock and rollers, you know, till the end.

Lucy: I dig that. So what were you guys doing when you encountered Eikrem specifically?

Tucker: You know, it's funny, we were making mix-tapes for each other.

Lucy: Wow! What a coincidence!

Tucker: I know, right?

Lucy: So, I won't keep you, so let's get to it: Was it Creed that made you guys leave?

Tucker: Oh, of course. I mean, come on, that stuff's just awful, we didn't even know what it was. John (one of the other pack members) was all like, "what the piss, sounds like someone's giving an electric guitar an abortion!" And, you know, we all had a laugh with that one, but it was just awful, awful racket.

Lucy: Made you lose your appetite?

Tucker: Completely. Then we thought, maybe we should eat this kid, I mean the world could certainly use one less Creed fan right? I'm pretty sure they're the lowest form of humanity, definitely less evolved than we are.

Lucy: Oh, absolutely.

Tucker: But then we realized, the kid's only 13, he's got time to evolve, I mean I know I've got some skeletons in my closet from when I was that young, but, what can I say, I really dug eating humans, not as much of a thrill these days...

Lucy: No, that's true. I'm pretty sure my provider was listening to Blink-182 when he was 13, he's doing much better now in those regards, he still talks to me more than I think is healthy for humans to be doing, but I just role with it. Anyway, do you guys think you'll be back that way?

Tucker: Actually, we already have been back that way. John felt bad for the kid, especially since he's got a neglectful mum, so he buried a few records in the back yard, you know, to help the kid get on a better path, there was some Rolling Stones, Tom Waits, a little bit of MC5, Duran Duran, which I know pained John to part with, but, you know, I guess he had a soft spot for the kid.

Lucy: That's noble of you.

Tucker: Human species is going to hell in a paw-basket, may as well do our part right?

Lucy: Good call, well, I'm sure you've got to hit the roam again, thank you for your time.

Tucker: Cheers, stay safe on the domestic front yeah?

Lucy: For sure, safe travels.

We’re all left to wonder, perhaps if humans had similar tastes to wolves top-40 radio would actually be bearable.

Over-Privileged College Kid Makes Statement and Other Quips

President Obama recently received a $400 pencil, this will save on paper as now he can just erase parts of a bill as it's being gutted as opposed to printing out a new one.



Rick Santorum links African American Civil Rights with the rights of unborn babies, Santorum says it's not much of a stretch, after all, fetuses would also likely find it difficult to hail a cab in the Midwest.



Nic Ramos, University of Colorado student, decides to make a statement by paying his tuition in all $1 bills. He says the experience has given him a greater appreciation for the money his parents give him. He will likely be seen as the spokesman for all over-privileged 19-year-old's with too much time on their hands and a YouTube account. Ramos says he hopes his actions get people thinking, mission accomplished as Ramos' mother is likely thinking "why didn't I just give fellatio that night."



In the UK, members of the Boyscouts can now earn badges by busting drivers for speeding, tactics are expected to be duplicated in America to save money on police force and scouts can earn two badges if the guilty party attempts to bribe them with free booze.



Former England soccer star Jermaine Pennant left his Porsche at a rail station for a month because he forgot he owned one, Pennant recently received a sympathy call from John McCain, who joked that he had no idea which one of his houses he was calling from.

John Boehner: Quaaludes to Blame for Half-Hearted Speech

Several members of John Boehner's staff have come forward to apologize for Boehner's half-hearted and insensitive response to the Arizona shootings:

"We've been getting alot of complaints, and, I mean, I guess it's fair. Here's a guy that has difficulty controlling his emotions at any given time and here in a case of extreme tragedy he gives a speech and you'd think he was talking about a possum that got run over."

According to the staff citizens have complained there was "no tone of sadness in his voice," he was "too stoic and matter-of-fact" in his delivery and he found it necessary to instruct everyone to behave a certain way since "today is the Sabbath." He gave said speech on Sunday. Gabrielle Giffords is Jewish.

"We did get some fan-mail over that one actually, mainly from Tea Party members and the religious right, Glenn Beck sent an autographed copy of one of his books, which was actually perfect timing because it's freezing in Ohio right now and we needed something to keep the fire going."

However, according to the staff the "lame" speech was no fault of Boehner's, as he has in fact been on a heavy dose of Quaaludes and has undergone several experimental surgeries to keep his tear ducts at bay. One staff member, who has requested to remain anonymous, said that the treatments given to Boehner were his suggestions.

"After he cried, I was like, 'come on man, we're Republicans. This isn't some hippie-liberal-douche-crap.' I told him he needed to toughen up. I mean look at the size of his gavel, he’s compensating for something, that’s for sure."

At first, Boehner and staff tried to fix his "issues" without the help of prescription drugs.

"We made him watch Bambi, like, 50 times, but after each time we'd give him some venison jerky. I'd be like, 'see, isn't this awesome, Bambi's a tasty treat, don't you think Bambi would want to be a tasty treat?' He'd keep crying on and on about Bambi's mom, he'd spit out the jerky, and we'd have to give him another time-out. 50 times man, 50 times."

After the Bambi experiment failed other movies were tried.

"We did Forrest Gump for a bit, that didn't work either, he cried every single time with that one. He wasn't crying because of Forrest or Jenny or anything, he was crying for Nixon. He hated the whole Watergate thing, he could never hold it in for that. 'Poor Nixon!' he'd shout."

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) confirms Boehner's need to "toughen up."

"We went out one night, and man, this guy couldn't hold his stuff. After one shot he was a mess. I told him, I was like, 'look man, you need to toughen up or I'm going to do to you what we did to that bitch on the swim team at Baylor.' Man, those were the days, college...what we're we talking about? Oh yeah, Boehner, I was all like, 'look man, stop being such a pansy.'"

Boehner, who has repeatedly ignored our attempts to contact him in regards to this matter, under went the surgery and was prescribed Quaaludes the day after his over-night binge drinking with Rand Paul. Boehner apparently woke up soaked in his own vomit and urine with a drawn male organ across his face. Though nothing has been confirmed, sources say Rand Paul was the artist behind the penis.

"It was ridiculous, I mean, he had to make a speech that day, and in he came, hung-over and with a huge c#$k on his face. I mean didn't this guy have a childhood?"

Some questions will always be better off rhetorical...