Sunday, January 30, 2011

Creed: Animals would rather starve than listen to our Music

Sounds like a harsh review from a pretentious music journalist doesn't it? Sadly, for pseudo-grunge-pseudo-Christian-rock-sort-of band Creed, it's actually a reality.

In Rakkestdad, 13-year-old Walter Eikrem was walking home from his school bus stop when he saw four wolves near his home, his mother had meant to pick him up because she had heard reports of wolves being in the area, but she got held up shopping.

Eikrem had remembered his mother's advice that he should never run from wolves (apparently his mother is better at giving advice than she is at providing transportation), and decided to turn his speakers on full-blast to scare them away. The song playing was "Overcome" by Creed. The wolves left and Eikrem is fine, however, tragically, the use of the song "Overcome" indicates that the band Creed is still making music, as this is an unknown fact for the majority of society many are disappointed by the news. Especially, as coincidence would have it, the wolves themselves.

My animal correspondent and cat, Lucy, was able to get in a few words with Tucker, one of the wolves at the scene.

Lucy: So, what have you guys been doing in the area?

Tucker: We're just passing through, I know people are kind of freaked out with us being here but whatever, they'll just have to evolve, we got to move, ya know?

Lucy: Well being domesticated myself I can only imagine, so you have my sympathy.

Tucker: You know, there were some classical violinists back in the day that used us as mascots so to speak, that was way back when, one of my great-great-grandfathers had that gig for awhile. You know, over the years you'd think with Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, that someone would've gotten on board but nobody has, what can you do?

Lucy: I guess you guys have been a bit under-represented these days...

Tucker: There's the Twilight crap, but really that doesn't help us, my pack's a bunch of rock and rollers, you know, till the end.

Lucy: I dig that. So what were you guys doing when you encountered Eikrem specifically?

Tucker: You know, it's funny, we were making mix-tapes for each other.

Lucy: Wow! What a coincidence!

Tucker: I know, right?

Lucy: So, I won't keep you, so let's get to it: Was it Creed that made you guys leave?

Tucker: Oh, of course. I mean, come on, that stuff's just awful, we didn't even know what it was. John (one of the other pack members) was all like, "what the piss, sounds like someone's giving an electric guitar an abortion!" And, you know, we all had a laugh with that one, but it was just awful, awful racket.

Lucy: Made you lose your appetite?

Tucker: Completely. Then we thought, maybe we should eat this kid, I mean the world could certainly use one less Creed fan right? I'm pretty sure they're the lowest form of humanity, definitely less evolved than we are.

Lucy: Oh, absolutely.

Tucker: But then we realized, the kid's only 13, he's got time to evolve, I mean I know I've got some skeletons in my closet from when I was that young, but, what can I say, I really dug eating humans, not as much of a thrill these days...

Lucy: No, that's true. I'm pretty sure my provider was listening to Blink-182 when he was 13, he's doing much better now in those regards, he still talks to me more than I think is healthy for humans to be doing, but I just role with it. Anyway, do you guys think you'll be back that way?

Tucker: Actually, we already have been back that way. John felt bad for the kid, especially since he's got a neglectful mum, so he buried a few records in the back yard, you know, to help the kid get on a better path, there was some Rolling Stones, Tom Waits, a little bit of MC5, Duran Duran, which I know pained John to part with, but, you know, I guess he had a soft spot for the kid.

Lucy: That's noble of you.

Tucker: Human species is going to hell in a paw-basket, may as well do our part right?

Lucy: Good call, well, I'm sure you've got to hit the roam again, thank you for your time.

Tucker: Cheers, stay safe on the domestic front yeah?

Lucy: For sure, safe travels.

We’re all left to wonder, perhaps if humans had similar tastes to wolves top-40 radio would actually be bearable.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Over-Privileged College Kid Makes Statement and Other Quips

President Obama recently received a $400 pencil, this will save on paper as now he can just erase parts of a bill as it's being gutted as opposed to printing out a new one.

Rick Santorum links African American Civil Rights with the rights of unborn babies, Santorum says it's not much of a stretch, after all, fetuses would also likely find it difficult to hail a cab in the Midwest.

Nic Ramos, University of Colorado student, decides to make a statement by paying his tuition in all $1 bills. He says the experience has given him a greater appreciation for the money his parents give him. He will likely be seen as the spokesman for all over-privileged 19-year-old's with too much time on their hands and a YouTube account. Ramos says he hopes his actions get people thinking, mission accomplished as Ramos' mother is likely thinking "why didn't I just give fellatio that night."

In the UK, members of the Boyscouts can now earn badges by busting drivers for speeding, tactics are expected to be duplicated in America to save money on police force and scouts can earn two badges if the guilty party attempts to bribe them with free booze.

Former England soccer star Jermaine Pennant left his Porsche at a rail station for a month because he forgot he owned one, Pennant recently received a sympathy call from John McCain, who joked that he had no idea which one of his houses he was calling from.

Monday, January 10, 2011

John Boehner: Quaaludes to Blame for Half-Hearted Speech

Several members of John Boehner's staff have come forward to apologize for Boehner's half-hearted and insensitive response to the Arizona shootings:

"We've been getting alot of complaints, and, I mean, I guess it's fair. Here's a guy that has difficulty controlling his emotions at any given time and here in a case of extreme tragedy he gives a speech and you'd think he was talking about a possum that got run over."

According to the staff citizens have complained there was "no tone of sadness in his voice," he was "too stoic and matter-of-fact" in his delivery and he found it necessary to instruct everyone to behave a certain way since "today is the Sabbath." He gave said speech on Sunday. Gabrielle Giffords is Jewish.

"We did get some fan-mail over that one actually, mainly from Tea Party members and the religious right, Glenn Beck sent an autographed copy of one of his books, which was actually perfect timing because it's freezing in Ohio right now and we needed something to keep the fire going."

However, according to the staff the "lame" speech was no fault of Boehner's, as he has in fact been on a heavy dose of Quaaludes and has undergone several experimental surgeries to keep his tear ducts at bay. One staff member, who has requested to remain anonymous, said that the treatments given to Boehner were his suggestions.

"After he cried, I was like, 'come on man, we're Republicans. This isn't some hippie-liberal-douche-crap.' I told him he needed to toughen up. I mean look at the size of his gavel, he’s compensating for something, that’s for sure."

At first, Boehner and staff tried to fix his "issues" without the help of prescription drugs.

"We made him watch Bambi, like, 50 times, but after each time we'd give him some venison jerky. I'd be like, 'see, isn't this awesome, Bambi's a tasty treat, don't you think Bambi would want to be a tasty treat?' He'd keep crying on and on about Bambi's mom, he'd spit out the jerky, and we'd have to give him another time-out. 50 times man, 50 times."

After the Bambi experiment failed other movies were tried.

"We did Forrest Gump for a bit, that didn't work either, he cried every single time with that one. He wasn't crying because of Forrest or Jenny or anything, he was crying for Nixon. He hated the whole Watergate thing, he could never hold it in for that. 'Poor Nixon!' he'd shout."

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) confirms Boehner's need to "toughen up."

"We went out one night, and man, this guy couldn't hold his stuff. After one shot he was a mess. I told him, I was like, 'look man, you need to toughen up or I'm going to do to you what we did to that bitch on the swim team at Baylor.' Man, those were the days, college...what we're we talking about? Oh yeah, Boehner, I was all like, 'look man, stop being such a pansy.'"

Boehner, who has repeatedly ignored our attempts to contact him in regards to this matter, under went the surgery and was prescribed Quaaludes the day after his over-night binge drinking with Rand Paul. Boehner apparently woke up soaked in his own vomit and urine with a drawn male organ across his face. Though nothing has been confirmed, sources say Rand Paul was the artist behind the penis.

"It was ridiculous, I mean, he had to make a speech that day, and in he came, hung-over and with a huge c#$k on his face. I mean didn't this guy have a childhood?"

Some questions will always be better off rhetorical...