Thursday, April 30, 2009

Humble Pie's more bitter out west

I had a meeting not too long ago with somebody who has a pretty large role in the political and media relations arena here in Seattle. We talked about work and the world, and of course he asked me what exactly it was I wanted to do. So I told him. Now, he knew I paid my bills through writing, so he asked me some obvious questions, ones I wish I had better answers for...

Do you submit to (City Magazine)? Do you pitch humor pieces online? etc. etc.

Sadly my answer was a constant, "no, I'm going to work on that eventually."

Which lead to the inevitable, "so Ron, what exactly are you doing?"

This guy has 30+ years of success in the field of journalism, I'm sure to him we Hunter Thompson fanatics already seem amateur, nonetheless, I couldn't in my heart tell him what I was actually doing...erotic literature. Yup, in this economy, I gotta take what I can get.

While other people are pitching spec scripts, blogging for Huffington, negotiating publishing pitches, I'm editing orgy scenes between a girl and her two brothers. We all have our peaks and valleys I suppose.

Speaking of which, earlier this month (it's still April 30th) I participated in a comedy competition in Bend, Oregon. Bend is a neat ski-town in the middle of the state. Driving there, however, one must go over a pretty long pass. I hadn't checked the weather conditions. Starting the drive from Seattle it was completely pleasant, ordinary North-west spring weather. The pass was a different story. I hadn't realized how high in the mountains I actually was, and this pass was covered with snow and it was coming down...hard. I literally switched seasons in a matter of seconds. Now, I've never handled snow well, NEVER. When other people see me drive in snow they assume I'm a Seattle native, they're shocked when I tell them I'm from Pennsylvania. What can I say? I don't do snow.

Trucks were sliding, people were pulled over putting their chains on. I was in a Dodge Caliber rental, I didn't have chains nor would I have any clue what to do with them if I did. I wondered just how high up I was, there were little signs of elevation. Had I made a wrong turn somewhere? Am I still on the right road? When this is all over, I'm buying myself a GPS. I put the car in auto-stick, that helped a great deal. At that point, I let out an open call for help. I don't necessarily pray much, but hell, anything was worth a shot. I made it out, and of course once over the mountain the roads were completely normal.

I know it's trite, but after that I decided I was going to have a more positive attitude about things, not take anything for granted, focus more on the bright side...That lasted a few days. If you'll excuse me, cunnilingus calls.

Friday, April 10, 2009

An Open Letter to PETA from my Cat, Lucy

Dear PETA,

To avoid getting started on the wrong foot, let me say that I am, overall, in support of what you do. As a proud feline I do appreciate your pursuit of our ethical treatment and due to your informative campaigns my provider and I both refuse to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, among other things.

However, I can't help but have a slightly acerbic taste in my mouth when I ponder issues of world hunger, our struggling economy, the environment, and war. These are issues that affect us animals as well and as I hope you can agree, are of a bit more importance than changing the name of fish to "sea-kittens." Which, by the way, I do enjoy a fine tuna myself, I hope this is not your attempt to paint us cats as cannibals. If so, know that I speak for the rest of the Animal Revolutionary Society when I say we will not be pleased. I have very close ties with the K-9 Chapter as well as everyone over at the Neo-Animal Farm. Anyway, to summarize, dare I say perhaps you should make yourselves aware that there are "fatter fish to fry." And no, I don't apologize for the pun. My provider hasn't written a funny joke in I can't remember how long, I've earned this.

Anyway, this brings me to my next point and what inspired me to write you, your recent request to the musical ensemble Pet Shop Boys. Now, with exception to the Hold Steady double-disc I've little to look forward to in regards to the music industry, and I'm certainly not without a sense of humor. What you seem to forget is that the worst thing you could do to your organization is become a parody of yourself, which in recent events you have taken many steps toward. You'd be naive to not acknowledge and adapt to the fact that you have extremists in your organization that make the far religious right almost look rational. With this in mind, making your request to the Pet Shop Boys to change their name will bear little positive fruit, and on the contrary will further diminish the cause you claim to be fighting for.

I understand your intentions are in the right place, but perhaps it's time to change the Pandora Radio Station in the marketing office. Just a thought.

All the best,

Lucy
President, Animal Revolutionary Society
Editor in Chief to Ron Placone
Activist