Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Facebook Groups I'd make if I had more freetime

...And wasn't worried I'd be the only member...

1. People who avoid e-wars but read them for entertainment.

Seriously, nothing good ever comes of them. It always ends up a posting match and everybody loses. I refuse to engage in them. Yet, they can be damn amusing to read sometimes.

2. I drink energy drinks and wonder if they're this generation's cigarettes.

Only time will tell...Ulcers? Eventual heart disease? Though, I'm certainly no doctor.

3. Italian-Americans who are tired of Italian-Americans with an obsessive and obnoxious nationalistic pride, you make the rest of us look bad.

Seriously. Healthy pride is one thing but if you base your entire personality and identity on the mass of soil ancestors you never even met came over from, get a hobby for hell's sake.

4. Children are usually afraid of me and I don't know why.

Maybe they have some kind of animal-like instinct and can tell that I don't care for them, or maybe they heard that joke I used to do about how living near the Boys and Girls club made me wish abortion was included in every basic health care plan.

5. I like girls that tell me when they need to fart.

It's natural, it's bold, it's honest, which in turn makes it sexy. Just don't drop trow and take a shit on the floor, that'd be too far.

6. If you think Charles Bukowski was sexist you need to look up the word 'misanthrope' in the dictionary and get over yourself.

You're too shallow to be that anally PC.

7. I write blogs that I probably won't think are funny or clever in the morning whenever I can't sleep at night.

See above.

Friday, September 11, 2009

An Open Letter to Joe Wilson

Dear Joe,

Boy, this is embarrassing, I mean honestly. I know, I know, you've got your support, some people have even been giving you money, I'm sure you're happy to be making money, even if it means catering to the whole "instead of solving problems let's focus on Obama being the anti-Christ" demographic.

Prostitutes make money too Joe. And, compared to you, they're far more respectable.

Sure there's a time for public dissent, there's a time for protest, but not when doing so turns an event meant to solve one of the largest domestic enigmas facing our country into yet another stage for political theater. I perform on stages all the time Joe, and you know who doesn't belong on stage? The heckler Joe, the heckler doesn't belong on stage.

I hate to be trite and play the whole "politicians are assholes" card but damn Joe, I question whether or not you're potty trained. We all need to have a concept of time and place Joe, and the other night, boy, you pissed all over the seat.

I was embarrassed for you Joe, and you have no idea what this means coming from me, I've got a thick skin when it comes to embarrassing politicians...I'm from PENNSYLVANIA for heaven's sake. We had RICK SANTORUM!! Ah, excuse me, just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Coming from an Italian-American family o boy, he was like that dude from Harry Potter, you didn't mention that name at the dinner table. Yes, that homophobic, Bush-parroting disaster of a human being whose name is now a synonym for post-anal sex lube and fecal matter was quite the embarrassment, convinced those weapons of mass destruction were going to turn up any day, making the most foul of homophobic and racist comments and then hiding behind a bible, man, I never thought that guy could be topped.

You've topped him Joe, you've topped him. Couldn't you have saved it for Hannity or Beck Joe? They were just a phone call away.

Anyway Joe, to leave on a positive note you've given me hopes that they'll just can the whole thing and eventually the voice for the single-payer system will become too loud to ignore. Idealistic? Yeah. I mean hell, we can't just yell out whenever we want.