Sunday, November 23, 2008
This week in the NFL: Having to watch both of the Manning brothers pull a victory is enough to break even the strongest of human beings…Such a phenomenon should be prohibited by law. Also, it seems as if, as expected, the piggies in the Zebra shirts are yet again playing for their fellow swine, giving them multiple first downs and stopping the clock when it’s in their favor.
Peyton Manning (aka “In-Bred”) on Adam Vinatieri: “He’s the best in the game I think, he’s got guts, and, there’s another word we use too, but guts will do.”
Gee golly there Peyton, not only did you have to make such a bold statement about your kicker but you had to make a G-rated family-friendly lack luster attempt at a penis joke. Between your tact and your troll-like appearance I wonder how anyone can stomach you.
An abandoned working piano was found in the woods, nobody was quite sure why...new Ben Folds Five video anyone?
Speaking of music, I've been driving a great deal these past few weeks, a few out-of-town gigs, in addition got a case of the new-day-job blues, and I've been thinking a great deal about what I've been taking in the car with me. Below are some highlights from my humble CD collection and an abbreviated list of my must-haves:
1. Jethro Tull, Bursting Out--It took me four years, but I finally found a copy of "Bursting Out," a live album that they recorded in 1978. It's easy to obtain online, but I decided I had to find it in a store, otherwise I wouldn't feel like it was truly mine. Anyway, the album is two discs, and I only listen to it once or twice a year whenever I have a long drive. Reason being I try to completely forget the track list, that way whenever I listen to it I can feel like I'm actually at a Jethro Tull concert. Sure I remember that they play Aqualung and Locomotive Breath, but I would be able to count on those at any concert.
2. Bad Religion, Suffer--If I don't listen to Suffer at least two times in a row at some point, I'm simply not ready to perform.
3. Modest Mouse, Lonesome Crowded West—I can’t imagine driving through the Northwest without popping in this disc at some point. Plus, think of all the classics…Doin’ the Cockroach, Cowboy Dan, Bankrupt on Selling…helps the miles go by.
4. Gin Blossoms, New Miserable Experience---Yes, I know it’s a guilty pleasure…Yes I know…what?
5. Rancid, Let’s Go---Come on baby won’t you show me what you got now!?! Let’s floor it.
6. The Beatles, Abbey Road--- Gotta have the song cycle, gotta have it.
7. Bill Hicks, Flying Saucer Tour Vol 1---This album was recorded at the Funny Bone in my hometown of Pittsburgh, PA. The crowd was a slowly adapting one, and Bill pulls out all the tricks to win them over. In the end he does…big time. This is not only my favorite Bill Hicks’ album, but may be my favorite comedy album of all time. Over two hours of Hicks, some improv, some crowd-work, and all the classic bits.
8. Nirvana, Insecticide—I began listening to Nirvana when I was 10. This influenced my music tastes for the next 13 years and counting. I pick Insecticide because the Vaselines’ covers really help any long haul. I’ll have any of their albums at various times though.
9. Minor Threat, Complete Discography---Whenever I’m in need of another Red Bull and it isn’t handy…Minor Threat will fill that void.
10. Okkervil River, Black Sheep Boy---Will Sheff writes great songs, there’s great songs out there, he wrote a few of them.
I’ll leave it at ten.
Friday, November 7, 2008
In Mount Lebanon, PA, an 84-year-old woman was walking along Washington Road last month when someone snatched her purse.
Investigators said they found a phone at the crime scene with an outgoing text message saying, "I'm ready to grab some old lady's purse." Police continued the investigation, as no "lol" or "jk" was found on the end of the text.
According to Faux News, "Sarah Palin's allies are pushing back against a stream of accusations leaking out of John McCain's campaign that the Alaska governor was incompetent during the run-up to the election." Sure every time she spoke we learned of another court case or social structure she didn't understand, and sure her performance in the VP debate was nothing short of laughable, but she had some pretty outfits gosh-darn it!
The GOP has officially invited Joe Lieberman into the Republican fold...leaving us all to wonder why Joe Lieberman is still a Democrat in the first place.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
A Faux News headline read: "Opposing Views: Are the Media Biased in This Presidential Election?" Results pointed to yes, but Sean Hannity dismissed it as "more liberal propaganda."
As I'm writing this I'm watching the New England Patriots battle, to quote Hunter S., "those swine known as the Indianapolis Colts." In between Madden's dribble and some scoring from both sides GOP ads are run in regards to Rev. Wright and Obama, a few ads for the promise of Change are aired as well.
The NFL has always been as political as politics in this country, it's a Lawyer's game, which is part of the beauty. Yet, unlike parts of Europe our teams are non-partisan. My Italian cousin asked me if the Pittsburgh Steelers were a Republican team or a Democrat team. I explained to him that no such thing existed. In the U.S., sports are sports, politics are politics. If we had to assign parties to teams though, I'd have to say that the best candidate for the Republican team would be the Indianapolis Colts, Dallas Cowboys in a close second. The Indianapolis Colts have Peyton Manning, who along with his brother Eli and father Archie comprise the Bush family of the NFL. They're iconic figures for America, especially the middle, the people that like to go to church on Sunday. With the Indianapolis Colts being the Republican team, the referees would be the mainstream media. Although I have to admit I haven't seen the Colts getting the breaks they've gotten in years past this year, maybe somebody finally complained.
The Democratic team is a bit tougher to call. The Green Bay Packers or the Pittsburgh Steelers may seem like obvious candidates, but I'm being realistic here. Both teams are too pure, too genuine, too respectable, not corporate enough. I'm going to go with the San Diego Chargers as the Democrat team. Reason being I can't think of any other team in recent years that's better at beating themselves.
For the record, the Indianapolis Colts won the game, and I sure as hell wasn't rooting for them.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
"Joe the Plumber" is considering running for congress...well, we already know he has a thorough understanding of taxes
John McCain to his only sisters circa 1930: "Hey you guys, if I ever grew up and ran for President would you vote for me?"
Looks like he got his answer.
Ashley Todd's Recipe to be a total moron:
1. Thin-tipped kitchen knife
2. John McCain Bumper Sticker
3. A local police force with a history of racism
4. A mainstream media that is so focused on the right-wing agenda they'll publish any story blasting the other side without asking any questions or doing any research whatsoever.
5. A story blaming a black guy
6. A set of stairs
Throw yourself down the stairs, make sure you are good and black and blue. Next, take the kitchen knife and carve a "B" into your face, an "O" would be much easier, but oh well. Call Faux News, the other sock puppets will follow suit. Tell your story. Remember, a black guy mugged you, and it's Obama's fault!
Facial mutilation: Resetting the bar for political activism.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Ummmm, here's an observation: It came from Rush Limbaugh. As someone who finds themselves spending long amounts of time in a car with a limited CD collection, I find myself listening talk radio more and more. As someone who is usually driving to the next gig, which is in a tiny town with a population of 12, I can usually find Rush on the dial. Just listening to the guy is beyond painful, blood curdles, borderline hate-speech is spewed every single program, at least every one I've had the discipline to sit through.
Point, getting outraged over an ignorant, racist statement from Rush Limbaugh is like picking up an US Weekly and then being offended and outraged that the entire magazine only discussed nonsense that doesn't matter.
We know US Weekly and Rush Limbaugh exist. Do as I do, accept that they exist, and realize that entities such as Rush Limbaugh and US Weekly are there to make us realize that as a human species, we really haven't come that far. And if you believe in God, He or She must not have been selective enough when determining who got tongues.
"You might be a racist if, your name's Rush Limbaugh." I sent this to Jeff Foxworthy, hopefully he uses it.
Apparently the "polls" indicate that the race is tightening between Barack Obama and John McCain...In West Virginia and several other areas there have been recent reports of voter fraud at the tallying machines...These two instances have absolutely nothing in common.
Sarah Palin recently called Obama's policies Socialism...broadcasting to the world that there is yet another system of social organization that she doesn't understand.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
John McCain keeps blinking, this must be some kind of distraction method he learned from Palin...Sadly she defeats him in sex appeal
John's getting a little feisty...I'd be pissed too if I was the Republican nominee and down 10 points in one of the most conservative states in the country...
...The "Oh Shit I might lose Virginia" aggression continues.
John McCain's undying love for Ronald Reagan continues
When John McCain smiles his neck looks like a labia
Obama's smile is finally fading...look at us, not McCain!
Obama called out Faux-News! Ok, that gets a star
If Reagan was involved, it's ok.
Obama, please stop complimenting McCain...and why didn't you answer his question more throughly? Star rebuked.
Dude, if John McCain cries there's no way he'll lose the election...his tear ducts don't still work do they?
Have you guys been running smear campaigns? Great question, next time just ask them if they're both running for President.
Whoever makes Joe the Plumber shirts first is going to be rich...
Joe the Plumber...2008's You Forgot Poland
Anyone who considers Sarah Palin a role-model for women can only be described as mentally unstable.
Obama, out of all the flaws you could've pointed out on Sarah Palin, you chose to...compliment her.
Obama, stop smiling at McCain like a child looking at the Easter bunny, it's not helping.
Climate control...wouldn't surprise me.
Obama, the question was four years, not ten.
How soon can we have energy independence? How big were Exxon's lobbying checks?
You know it's interesting, both McCain and Obama seem to be left...handed.
I just had Deja Vu...Oh wait, the puppets are just reciting the same things and making the same accusations.
John McCain on Children Obesity: "We need to have physical fitness programs and wellness programs to fight children obesity...in my day I walked 15 miles in the snow to get to school!"
Joe the Plumber, apparently you're more important than the rest of us.
Oh no, socialized medicine, the evil evil concept! We could end up like Canada, or England! Meaning...we have affordable universal health care?
John's blinking AND smiling...creepy.
"You know the Democrats have been in charge of Congress the past two years?" Yes, Mr. McCain, I also remember you saying you would kill yourself if the Democrats won...reasonable reaction much?
"We pro-life people understand we need a change in America, we need a change and know that we need to start showing change and compassion"--John McCain
Compassion as in respecting a woman's body and right to choose?
Education sucks, what are we going to do about it? Remember, spending money and making tougher qualifications for teachers isn't an option.
No Child Left Behind didn't just leave the money behind, they left the logic behind.
Throwing money at the education problem won't help it! Apparently, however, creating more lax standards for teachers while at the same time increasing their salaries will work wonders.
"We've had a very healthy discussion, because I interrupted whenever the hell I felt like it."--John McCain
Hey, it's Joe the Plumber!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
McCain recently said he'll "whip" Obama's "you know what" at the debate...He took back his statement when one of his advisers informed him that he couldn't bring a whip to the debate, not even for "that one."
In other news, John McCain blasted Georgia Rep. John Lewis for his statements hinting that John McCain and Sarah Palin "are sowing seeds of hatred and division." Wonder what would give him that crazy idea?
Obama recently accused McCain of "looking for distractions" from the actual campaign...after which Obama mentioned he has a new obsession with pie. He will put all further election activities on hold until the economic condition allow the average American to get Key Lime ingredients more feasibly.
Faux News recently did a segment on this year's connection between fashion and politics...Obama supporters everywhere are buying different Obama t-shirts with smart, hip, and witty phrases...not to be out-done, on the McCain side of the fence rich white dudes everywhere are flocking to Super Cuts.
The report leaves us all wondering, will the Faux News election coverage ever cover the election?
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I wasn't impressed with any of the debates.
A summary of the Obama-McCain Debate:
Obama kept telling John McCain he was right: "John's absolutely right," "well, in this case John is absolutely right, we're in agreement..." He did this over 10 times, I was counting. If high-school taught me anything, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to agree so much in a debate, but hell, what do I know?
John McCain kept singing praises for Ronald Regan.
So, basically, the moral of their debate: Regan was great!
Call me crazy, but that doesn't really solve anything now does it?
Not to mention, me, personally, never a Regan fan. I know what you're thinking, "how could you feel that way Ron? You guys have the SAME FIRST NAME for Christ Sakes!!"
I know, I'm unreasonable.
Review of the VP Debate:
Biden played soft.
Palin didn't play at all.
Playing Obama's style of non-confrontational, soft-hitting, we're-going-to-totally-isolate-every-undecided-voter-and-defeat-ourselves-as-the-Democrats-are-famous-for fashion...Biden agreed with Palin all too often. When did they plan out this strategy?
If I were Biden, I would've eventually called a time-out.
"Time out, time out, OK, American nation, I don't know if you caught this, but she just gave a shout-out to a bunch of third graders. Seriously. Did we all catch this? This is arguably among the most important elections in history, and she's talking to 8-year-olds and saying 'gosh-darnit'...Oh, did I forget to mention the guy she's running with makes up songs about bombing the shit out of countries and possibly starting a third world-war? Just checking, just making sure we all know this...Ok, next question."
One quick disclaimer would've made a world of difference.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A Montana Grizzly Bear has been relocated for stealing honey from beehives...Animal activists and Winnie the Pooh fans everywhere are outraged.
Apparently Joe Biden is taking some time to prepare for the VP debates...if he bases his prep time on who his opponent is, I'm thinking half-time during the Redskins game should be sufficient.
The Rescue Bail Out Plan has been revealed. Fortunately, our courageous congress has, through their bi-partisan efforts, drafted some provisions so that Henry Paulson and all else are kept under control, for example:
Curbs will be placed on the compensation of executives at companies that sell mortgage assets to Treasury...Like most curbs on a given sidewalk, these curbs will be easy to step on or over.
An oversight board will be created. This board will consist of members of the Federal Reserve, the Securities Exchange Commission, and all those who were invited to Henry Paulson's last birthday party.
Well, at least now we can all sleep easier!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
2. Get some pressure off of Sarah Palin (John said she answered a few questions, she talked about 9/11 and that she supports McCain, when asked if she was going to support a candidate on trial for corruption, she played deaf...she's getting good!)
3. Get even MORE pressure off Sarah Palin (If this bail-out plan isn't resolved soon, they may cancel the VP debate! Good! Joe Biden knows way too many big words...)
4. Scare American people about financial crisis (Long over-due, fortunately not enough people listen to that Ron Paul fellow...And I made all those pro-economic statements in July...damn you Dick!)
5. Call both of the Candidates to Washington to discuss this issue. (John's going to make sure he issues the statement first so it appears that he's above politics and is a better bi-partisan leader...Heh! Who's gonna buy this shit?!?)
6. Add more Sammy Hagar to IPod. (Jenna said she'd help me. What can I say, he rocks!)
7. Read some Kurt Vonnegut. (Apparently he didn't like me much, I dunno, I've never heard of him)
8. Make sure there are plenty of distractions for the American public. (Karl and Jeb are going to call Rupert...Lindsay Lohan finally came out of the closet!)
9. Meeting at 1pm....
Monday, September 8, 2008
When you spend so many nights a week telling jokes that may or may not work to a room, usually full of other comedians that are just as cynical as you are, it's rewarding to be doing something truly positive.
I'm happy to be a part of this benefit and I encourage everyone to attend. It is only $5, which is less than a dollar a comic. All of the proceeds go directly to the camp, it costs them in the area of 40k a year to run the camp if I understand correctly, and that's not cheap.
So, if you can attend, that'd be wonderful. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment or message me. Feel free to learn more at http://www.campcasey.org
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Rudy Giuliani made a monumental speech in which he referred to Barack Obama as the "least experienced candidate for president in the past 100 years," not to mention it was the first time Giuliani uttered a sentence without mentioning 9/11 since September 10, 2001.
Giuliani also blasted Barack Obama for his lack of leadership experience:
"He has never run a business," which is true, and we all know george w. bush has run businesses before, and his results were...umm...
"He's never run a military unit," which is also true, Barack does not have military experience, but John McCain does, and his results were...umm...
Huckabee spoke later, at which time he defended Palin's VP nomination.
"I am so tired of hearing about her lack of experience, I only want to hear about a lack of experience when it's convenient for my party, damn it!"
A group of protesters were arrested shortly after Rage Against the Machine's protest performance. Apparently with the Country and Western themed RNC it's a crime to like music that doesn't suck.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Some have called her a woman of the people, someone that's "one of us", which I agree with, if you open to work for the oil industry...or if you haven't been born yet.
Of course, it has come to the surface that the decision of Palin as VP was an attempt to attract Clinton supporters...When asked what her and Clinton had in common, McCain just shrugged: "Well, neither one would've had the right to vote when I was in high school...and, well, umm...hey, did you guys know there's a conflict between Georgia and Russia? be afraid damn it!"
Let's be blunt: An attractive woman--secures the surface vote. "Sarah Palin: She wants to drill Alaska as much as you want to drill her!"
Socially conservative--secures the religious right.
Ties to the oil industry, along with a reputation of abuse of power http://www.boomantribune.com/story/2008/8/29/11597/4437--secures the Big Oil agenda.
Last but not least, she has the potential to and will become the "celebrity" the Republicans were looking for.
At least now if McCain wins we can all look forward to the possibility of a leaked sex tape.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
According to Dictionary.com, a redneck is defined as such:
an uneducated white farm laborer.
A bigot or reactionary, esp. from the rural working class.
Would you want someone with a song that basically states "I'm an uneducated bigot and proud" to represent your convention?
The Beach Boys are also slated to perform, rumor has it John McCain is going to take out his dentures and join them for a sing-along. (bomb, bomb bomb...) barbaric!
Other performers include Cowboy Troy, John Rich, and Sammy Hagar, who still can't drive 55, but must not mind the high gas prices.
Look at the bright side Republicans, if country and western doesn't do it for you, there's bound to be great bands at all of the protests!
The DNC has a fairly long list as well including Willie Nelson, Black Eyed Peas, but most importantly Kayne West is on the bill which allowed the Democrats to come up with their newest convention slogan: "george bush doesn't care about us either."
So, since I'm on the topic of music, I'd like to mention that Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani recently had a son they named Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale...isn't it bad enough the kid will eventually have to hear a Bush album at some point in his life?
Friday, August 15, 2008
"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century."
In other news, Ron Jeremy recently stated "Getting naked on camera is no way to become famous."
Bill O'Reilly stated "Yelling and being obnoxious is no way to treat a guest on your talk show,"
and Michael Moore stated "Making movies and writing books is no way to express your point of view."
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
With exception to the Iraq war, Chuck Hagel parrots bush on nearly every issue.
His voting record is 90% conservative, 95% aligned with the bush administration.
He favors tax-cuts for the most wealthy.
He is extremely against a woman's right to choose.
He is opposed to the separation of Church and State.
He is opposed to gun control, and in fact is opposed to nearly any type of background check whatsoever.
He is opposed to public health care, and voted against adding 2-4 million children to SCHIP.
He voted yes on confirmation of Samuel Alito.
He was a finalist on george w. bush's VP list in May of 2002.
Is this the "change" we were expecting when lending our support to Mr. Obama?
OK, maybe I'm getting carried away, after all this is just heresy from CNN. Judging by Obama's recent attempts at appealing to the right, however, such an action would not shock me.
Such an action of gross bi-partisanship would be nothing more than an effort to obtain votes and secure a landslide, proving that, like most politicians, Obama cares more about winning an election than he does at having the type of presidency we the people have made it clear we want him to have.
Come on Obama, do the right thing here.
John Edwards cheated on his wife to prove to Ann Coulter he wasn't gay.
The general response to the affair's motivation has been "who cares?" and "what the hell gender is Ann Coulter anyway? Seriously, she's like the mystery flavored Dum-Dum lollipop of human beings...What an evil skeleton, someone please feed her a sandwich so she can stop talking."
Today John McCain stated "we are all Georgians"---someone immediately ran up to him and reminded him he was in Pennsylvania. "Fortunately," McCain later stated, "I was able to play it off due to some conflict in Russia."
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
"I am proud of that record, from fighting for the recognition of Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday in my state to sponsoring specific legislation that would prevent discrimination in any shape or form in America today."
Like most politicians, his rhetoric differs from his voting record when it suits him. Here is a summary of facts compliments of Crooks and Liars:
- FACT: McCain Supported Republican AZ Governor’s Decision To Rescind MLK Holiday. ABC News reported, “In Arizona, a bill to recognize a holiday honoring MLK failed in the legislature, so then-Gov. Bruce Babbitt, a Democrat, declared one through executive order. In January 1987, the first act of Arizona’s new governor, Republican Evan Mecham, was to rescind the executive order by his predecessor to create an MLK holiday. Arizona’s stance became a national controversy. McCain backed the decision at the time.” [ABC News, 4/3/08]
- FACT: McCain Supported Gov. Evan Mecham’s Decision In 1987 To Rescind Martin Luther King Jr. Day. As reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer, “In a vote likely to haunt him for the rest of his public career, McCain voted against 1983 legislation establishing the third Monday in January as the federal holiday marking King’s birthday. Back home in Arizona, he supported Gov. Evan Mecham’s decision in 1987 to rescind an executive order creating a state holiday for King, but later reversed his position.” [Philadelphia Inquirer, 6/16/08]
- FACT: McCain Voted Against Creating Martin Luther King Holiday. In 1983, McCain voted against a motion to suspend the rules and pass a bill to designate the third Monday of every January as a federal holiday in honor of the late civil rights leader, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The motion passed 89-77. [HR 3706, Vote 289, 8/2/83; CQ 1983]
In other news, george w. bush is holding a conference with several officials in support of a non-profit single payer health care system. During his speech he plans to highlight his continued support of Universal Health Care including his never-ending fight in favor of SCHIP...Of course he wants to see our children insured, hell, what would Jesus do?
In addition, Rick Santorum will be speaking to the Human Rights Committee in which he plans to highlight his continued support of Gay Rights including Gay Marriage.
Dick Cheney might not attend the Republican National Convention. The big question on my mind: Who will Fred Thompson blame for the farting?
On the Faux News count for today: 11 out of 18 headlines are more appropriate for a gossip column than a news source.
Friday, August 1, 2008
"In recent weeks, thousands of Wal-Mart store managers and department heads have been summoned to mandatory meetings at which the retailer stresses the downside for workers if stores were to be unionized.
According to about a dozen Wal-Mart employees who attended such meetings in seven states, Wal-Mart executives claim that employees at unionized stores would have to pay hefty union dues while getting nothing in return, and may have to go on strike without compensation. Also, unionization could mean fewer jobs as labor costs rise.
"'The meeting leader said, 'I am not telling you how to vote, but if the Democrats win, this bill will pass and you won't have a vote on whether you want a union,'" said a Wal-Mart customer-service supervisor from Missouri. 'I am not a stupid person. They were telling me how to vote,' she said."
As if Wal-Mart doesn't control enough already. My favorite part about this article was the blatant bias shown by the Wall-Street Journal at various points:
"The actions by Wal-Mart -- the nation's largest private employer -- reflect a growing concern among big business that a reinvigorated labor movement could reverse years of declining union membership. That could lead to higher payroll and health costs for companies already being hurt by rising fuel and commodities costs and the tough economic climate."
Wow. Really? The fact that Wall-Street has, quite frankly, the balls to hint that Wal-Mart is hurting by rising fuel and commodities cost is quite comical bordering insulting.
The Walton family takes home billions and billions every year while denying their employees basic benefits and reaping communities for their amenities, but most people don't care because hell, that sweatshirt only costs 29 cents.
Heaven forbid employees get higher wages, they might spend it, and stimulate the economy, we don't want that do we? Oh, wait, we do, just as long as it's from the upper-class only, sorry, I forgot.
But, of course it's not unreasonable to say Wal-Mart is hurting financially. Just as it's not unreasonable to say Rush Limbaugh is hurting from a lack of pie, Paris Hilton is hurting from a lack of media attention, and the American media is hurting from a lack of stupidity.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Now, that being said, there are many people I have encountered in my life, many of whom I respect their ideas and opinions, and some I would go as far to say I look up to to some degree, that are truly inspired by Obama. People have compared him to JFK, Martin Luther King, and other people of that magnitude. Judge me if you will, but to me this is nothing short of insulting.
The courage displayed by those two men is something Obama will never even begin to touch in his lifetime. And if Barack Obama is seen as some revolutionary by today's standards, then big brother's already won.
First of all, Obama has never challenged the Fed the way JFK did. If anyone in the political arena today should be compared to JFK in the true regard it should be Ron Paul. Notice how I said if anyone.
Second, let's review some of Obama's recent decisions, from Amy Goodman's Democracy Now:
"In an apparent reversal, Obama backed a new bill authorizing the Bush administration's domestic spy program and granting immunity for the telecom companies that took part. He also supported a Supreme Court decision to overturn a D.C. handgun ban. On foreign policy, Obama said he'd be open to revise his pledge to withdraw US troops from Iraq and also called for a major increase to the size of the US occupation of Afghanistan. And like all top Democratic leaders, Obama has refused to support calls for the prosecution of President Bush and top White House officials for war crimes and other abuses of power."
Obama's a politician. And while I feel his international appeal and speaking ability would make his presidency a positive change for this country, albeit a baby-step, to put him on the pedestal people in this country are placing him on is nothing short of delusional--something many people in this country have needed to resort to when taking a look out the window.
OK, that feels better.
In South Carolina people are saying the Christian license plates have gone too far. There is a new license plate that says "I Believe" and is emboldened by a bright yellow cross. People say this comes across as discriminatory against non-Christians. I say, let them have plates about their religion, but that being said there should be plates for some of the other sides as well, with phrases on them. Here are a few ideas:
"My only mental crutch is pot...hey, at least mine's real."
"I don't believe, I prefer to seek."
"Don't you guys believe 'Thou shalt not judge?'"
"If God's proud of his creation than He's an underachiever."
"I have my beliefs but I don't feel the need to broadcast them."
"Nobody cares about your imaginary friend."
In the Faux News headline count: Out of 16 headlines, 9 were headlines dealing with entertainment or bizarre news fit for a tabloid.
Monday, July 21, 2008
In pursuit of the truth, I did one of the heaviest dives of investigating ever performed in my writing career: I sought out the unedited version of McCain's essay!
CNN posted something, but I wasn't so easily fooled. This is something, but it's not the gravy, this isn't the true, raw, unfiltered pen and paper substance ideas that we've come to depend on none other than John McCain for! So...my investigation began.
To protect the privacy of those involved, I have provided a near-verbatim transcription of my adventure.
The day began with me calling the McCain campaign. I did this through use of my personal cell phone. This is a hand-held device that can be used to make phone calls. I dialed the number of John McCain's campaign office. Their number is (703) 418-2008. I found this information via John McCain's website, there was tab, albeit hidden, that read "Contact Us." The detective in me came out.
I talked to an older fellow, much older than myself, yet we had one thing in common...our pursuit of truth.
OG: John McCain headquarters, where foreigners die and Viagra flies!
Me: Hello sir, in pursuit of the truth I would like a copy of John McCain's controversial essay, the one the New York Times rejected.
OG: In my day, we didn't have newspapers, we wrote on stone tablets and...
Me: Sir, I understand your frustration and believe me, no one feels your pain as much as I, but the truth is bigger than both of us sir, I need this piece to publish on my blog.
Me: Yes sir, it is an electronic collection of ideas housed on the internet, and from there people may dive into the truth of...
OG: Internet? What's this hocus-pocus all about?
Me: Sir, trust me on this one, do you trust me?
OG: Yes, in fact, I think I'm in love with you.
OG: I will send you your desired essay, can you receive smoke signals?
Me: No, but fortunately my assistant Lucy has that ability. Lucy, to the window.
OG: Where do you live kind sir?
OG: On its way.
At this point my assistant Lucy went to the window. Lucy, being a cat, lacked the ability to verbally deliver the essay to me, but thanks to her assistance we were able to decipher the essay between the two of us.
Me: Thank you sir, your efforts will not go unrewarded. Know that the general populace is genuinely appreciative.
OG: Thus ends our correspondence?
Me: Sadly, yes. I have work to do, and this can not wait.
OG: Well then, don't turn around, I don't want you to see my heart breaking.
Me: The truth is not easy, god-speed sir!
Then I went straight to my computer, and I promise you fellow experiment failures, this is the unfiltered words straight from the man's pen:
In January 2007, when General David Petraeus took command in Iraq, he called the situation "hard" but not "hopeless." Today, 18 months later, violence has fallen by up to 80% to the lowest levels in four years, and Sunni and Shiite terrorists are reeling from a string of defeats...So now it's time to bomb, bomb, bomb....bomb bomb Iran!
Progress has been due primarily to an increase in the number of troops and a change in their strategy. I was an early advocate of the surge at a time when it had few supporters in Washington. Senator Barack Obama was an equally vocal opponent. You know who else wasn't in favor of it, my wife...But you know what, she's a c*nt!! (Edited for children, sorry, I guess I was a bit off on the unfiltered part).
The success of the surge has not changed Senator Obama's determination to pull out all of our combat troops. All that has changed is his rationale. In a New York Times op-ed and a speech this week, he offered his "plan for Iraq" in advance of his first "fact finding" trip to that country in more than three years. It consisted of the same old proposal to pull all of our troops out within 16 months. In 2007 he wanted to withdraw because he thought the war was lost. If we had taken his advice, it would have been. Now he wants to withdraw because he thinks Iraqis no longer need our assistance. That's total nonsense, of course they need our assistance. There are still plenty of "Weapons of Mass Destruction" there. I use quotes to try to make Barack Obama look less legitimate. And it's going to work damn it!!
To make this point, he mangles the evidence. He makes it sound as if Prime Minister Maliki has endorsed the Obama timetable, when all he has said is that he would like a plan for the eventual withdrawal of U.S. troops at some unspecified point in the future...Ok, so basically he asked for a withdrawal timetable, well, since I'm so good at quoting classic rock 'n' roll songs when it comes to serious matters, here's another one: "You can't always get what you want!"
I am also dismayed that he never talks about winning the war?(Yes, McCain put a question mark here, not sure why) only of ending it. But if we don't win the war, our enemies will. A triumph for the terrorists would be a disaster for us. That is something I will not allow to happen as president. Instead I will continue implementing a proven counterinsurgency strategy not only in Iraq but also in Afghanistan with the goal of creating stable, secure, self-sustaining democratic allies. If there's one thing we have right now, it's spectacular foreign relations, I will continue this trend by nonchalantly verbalizing plans to bomb the hell out of anybody that pisses me off! And let me tell you America, I have quite a few hemorrhoids to content with.
I remember back in my high school days there were these people down south that were trying to stir things up, they didn't want to be part of the Union. Well, Lincoln set them straight. I remember thinking, someday I may have to set the U.S.A. straight again! Well, that time has come. Vote for me and we'll have short-term solutions for our energy crisis that will make the oil companies richer and save you a few dollars while solving nothing! We'll have continued war, and don't forget improved health care, if you happen to need Viagra.
Now where's my gramophone? I've got some rocking out to do.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Seriously though, it's nice that Pat Robertson is concerned and against the destruction of the environment...too bad he doesn't feel the same way about humans.
Nancy Pelosi blames the "Two Oil Men" for high-gas prices. The two oil men she's referring to are george bush and dick cheney. Wow, Nancy, that was ground breaking, and oh so original. Honestly, out of the million things one could blame those two disasters for, high oil prices isn't necessarily one of them. There's so many factors involved there, rise in international demand, finite resources, etc. Perhaps Nancy wanted to try to point fingers to divert attention away from the fact that the democrats have "compromised" with republicans and will now be permitting off-shore drilling. The compromise is that they will "seek renewable resources."
Oh, American Politics, vague, bland, and completely unpromising. The compromise: republicans get what they want, and democrats play make-believe.
Faux News "Most Read" Count: Out of 16 headlines 10 of them dealt with entertainment. 3 U.S. soldiers were put in one of the most dangerous situations possible in Afghanistan, without proper reinforcements, all three dead. They were days away from redeployment. At least one of them was there because he was saving up for school. It was among the most deadly outbreaks of violence on both sides in months. Over at Faux there's more important things though, Dark Knight is out! And what's new with Katie Holmes?!?!?!
In the corner of my Faux News page was an advertisement for a Nine Inch Nails concert in Seattle. He'll be playing at the Key Arena next Saturday. That same night I'll be performing across the street at Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Never in my life had I wanted to be that close to something as lame as a Nine Inch Nails concert. Seriously Trent, you made a million dollars off an album you made on an Apple computer, life can't be that bad buddy.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Rick Sanchez is the host of this fluff segment and the issues he brought to the table were abortion, same-sex marriage, and the war in Iraq.
I found it interesting that the first "major issue" was abortion. Although I can sympathize with both sides of the issue (if I had to be labeled it'd be pro-choice), I don't consider abortion a major issue, it's a woman's body, she should have a choice. The sickness is that the issue of abortion has become a gimmick employed by the Right in our plutocracy to pull at the heart-strings of Christian-minded individuals and win votes. CNN nearly parroted this by bringing it into this discussion with children. Not to mention, this segment continued to limit the discourse on the subject, since children haven't developed analytical and verbal skills as much as adults (in most cases).
Next issue I think it goes without saying I can not sympathize with both sides, and I think should once and for all be a non-issue. Why should someone by denied the right to marry based on their sexual orientation? This is nothing more than discrimination, no less absurd than making people sit in certain sections of a bus based on the color of their skin, and once again a tool for the Right. They used the issue of Gay Marriage countless times over the past few years to lure Americans away from the situation in Iraq and the rising energy prices...they were successful.
Honestly, if a homosexual couple lives together in a loving relationship they should have the right to marriage and all of the potential financial benefits a marriage provides. (I'm pretty sure those are the only types of benefits a marriage provides, but I can't completely knock what I haven't tried).
Third issue was the war. The CNN moguls didn't want to completely piss on the general public and cater to the powers that be, so they threw in an issue that can't really be used for personal gains in there and let the children talk about it. And the kids did have opinions, probably which they got from their parents.
This is just another attempt to dumb-down the societal discourse from our mainstream media, which is already laughable and embarrassing at best, only this time they've gone as low as to use children in this endeavor.
If I wanted to hear dialogue on a child's level of intelligence I'd simply pay more attention to Tucker Carlson.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Here's the thing though, he said he wanted to cut his nuts off.
Sure people say things they don't mean, a guy might get mad at another guy and say, "hey, I'm gonna kick your ass!" But you usually don't hear "hey, I'm gonna cut off your balls!" Usually at that point the other guy would just be like, "whoa, that's creepy."
What do you think it'll be like the next time they see each other? Do you think Obama will try to make light of it and try to play it off? "Hey there Jesse, should I be wearing a cup? (Laughs)...No, it's ok, I know you're sorry."
Personally I think Obama should make a statement, it'd make things a bit more light hearted if he just came out and said something along the lines of "So, Jesse Jackson said he wanted to cut off my penis...as a politician you face some odd opposition at times." Then he can publicly brush it off.
The McCain campaign might have a brand new slogan: "John McCain: Rev. Jesse Jackson wants him to keep his penis."
In brighter news I had a revelation, complete and thorough. I didn't know this, but all of the problems this country has been facing domestically and internationally are, in fact, imaginary.
Thank you Phil Gramm ever so much for helping me see the light! I'm going to go outside and see that gasoline hasn't risen 85% in price and I'm going to take a road-trip all the way to Southern California.
I'm going to wake-up tomorrow and find out that all of our international conflict is over and I'll get to see my cousin, a Marine serving in Iraq (he was supposed to be completely finished in 2005, but he's still over there), next week.
Then I'm going to go out and buy some new CDs, furniture and some killer seafood because, like all Americans according to Phil Gramm, I have way more disposable income than I realize and this economy is soaring!
Everyone tune in next week to the new high-definition radio show: "Make Believe with Phil Gramm---where everything is A-OK!"
Monday, July 7, 2008
It just goes to show there are some things money can't buy, however one thing money can buy is a gold toilet, and really, would a gold toilet be all that comfortable?
Faux News has been referring to themselves as America's election headquarters, which makes sense since they've proven in the past they have the ability to pick who wins.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki has raised the prospect of setting a timetable for the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq...Apparently Cowboy diplomacy involves wearing out your (un)welcome...big time.
New Zealand rugby fans watching a regular sports program got a 4 minute dose of hardcore pornography instead on Sunday afternoon. The pornography was intended for a Pay Per View Channel, but somehow found it's way onto the Rugby Channel.
According to the BBC "some fans were shocked by the unexpected pornography."
The others were pleasantly surprised.
Friday, July 4, 2008
The student's actions violated an 1893 law which makes it a crime to buy or sell a vote. The student could be facing up to 5 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. A bit extreme, considering election fraud goes unpunished in this country.
As for the bidding, the vote received no bids. Apparently, American citizens feel that having one vote that doesn't count is enough.
Recently John McCain was accused of having acted inappropriately toward a one time associate of Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega. Apparently he forcefully grabbed the associate by the collar in 1987, shortly after his 90th birthday.
The source here is Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran. According to Cochran McCain is erratic and hot-tempered. Old, cranky, hot-tempered, erratic and irrational, if that doesn't say time to heal up those foreign relations and spread some peace I don't know what does!
In more serious news, Darcy Burner, Congressional hopeful for Washington's 8th District, lost her home and cat several nights ago. Fortunately, she and her family are safe and escaped uninjured. Her Ames Lake home caught fire early Tuesday morning, and burned down to the ground at a very rapid pace.
There are not many politicians out there that I feel good about, to be quite frank, but I consider myself very fortunate here in Washington because I think there are some people here that are doing amazing things, and are people that I truly consider the good guys. Darcy Burner is certainly one of them. Darcy has done some remarkable work with the military and continues her efforts in ending the conflict in Iraq. She has also contributed immense amounts of support to the Health Care reform initiatives jump-started by several non-profits and Jim McDermott(Washington's 7th) and his staff, some of whom I have had the pleasure of meeting and have had discussions with.
I've had the pleasure of meeting Darcy several times and I've performed for her once. She's an absolutely wonderful individual, I'm really impressed by her, and if I lived in the 8th District she'd have my vote hands down. (I live in the 7th). Also, I'd like to extend my appreciation to MoveOn.org for making a post in regards to Darcy so rapidly. I wish Darcy and her family the very best in this time of need.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Wait for it, ARKANSAS!!! Or perhaps if I wanted to be more adventurous, UTAH!! You know, 5-day work weeks sound just fine, just fine indeed.
Of course, the 4-day work week is four ten-hour days. The best part is that this regulation includes truck drivers...their routes are exactly the same, workload doesn't change, and the motivation behind this 4-day work week is to save gas....hmmm....Poor truck drivers...cramming a 5-day run into 4 can't be easy, but supposedly this will boost morale.
"A" for effort Arkansas and Utah.
Since we're on the topic of driving, in California they're trying to pass a law that prohibits talking on your cell phone unless you have a headset.
One thing they didn't outlaw, text messaging. Yes, text messaging is a-OK, I mean, why not, you have an extra foot to drive with.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Both shows were super-fun, so let's move on from the show right away shall we? Awesome. As soon as the second show ended I dashed over to the Funhouse, the venue Flipper was playing at. As I walked in the guy at the door informed me the show had ended. "They might do an encore though, here, I'll stamp your hand and you can go in." He didn't charge me anything which was pretty cool. I go in, and there was no encore, however I looked to my left and saw Chris Cornell from Sound Garden, and then directly behind me was Krist Noveselic, ex-Nirvana bassist. Everybody at the venue at this point seemed to all know each other and be friends with all the bands. These were the people that probably watched Nirvana slowly become famous, they weren't 3,000 miles away and too young to discover anything until after Kurt had died like I was.
So, needless to say I was trying not to look like a total fool, but I couldn't help but feel a little star-struck. Plus, I was drunk. I got to say hello to Krist, told him I enjoyed his column, he thanked me and we shook hands.
The rest of the weekend went fine, but now I'm tired and in a lousy mood. Sunday nights are when I usually do most of my thinking, I think about what I'm doing and where I'm heading--I'm heading the same place we're all heading, hence reason to be in a lousy mood. This novel has been in the works for way too long, I'm either going to shit or get off the pot. I work on books all day for a living, so all too often I'm simply not up for working on my own. I've nothing to complain about though, I've just adapted a bad habit which I need to break.
Moving on, I managed to miss all of the Euro games this year. They were all playing at a Soccer pub right down the street from my apartment, but I still managed to miss every single one. I need to start using an alarm again.
I'm stoked for the new Batman movie, I'm beginning the process by re-watching Batman Begins as soon as Netflix delivers. I'm also stoked for the new Hunter S. documentary.
Ok, no politics or news jokes this round, I kind of just wanted to think out loud for a bit and document my weekend.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Today, John McCain's camp released an anti-Obama add referring to him as "Dr. No." Which, in my opinion, is unoriginal.
Political discourse in this country has been reduced to two words, not only two words but two words that have nods to accompany them.
Yes, it's true America, Big Brother thinks we're that dumb.
Obama says no on this, McCain doesn't say no on that, Obama says yes on this, McCain doesn't say yes on that. This black-and-white surface-oriented mode of logic is exactly how the people in power want you to think and exactly how they want you to vote.
Earlier today I spilled some coffee on my shirt and I haven't gotten changed yet. The life of a writer can be beyond isolating.
I saw "American Drug War" last night and I enjoyed it very much. There have been some incredibly quality documentaries released over the past year or so, and thanks to my new NetFlix account as well as Google Video and Freedocumentaries.org, I've been able to keep up on most everything for cheap.
Anyway, there are some great interviews from Ricky Ross and Tommy Chong, not to mention some in-depth comparisons between the U.S. drug policies and Amsterdam's. I highly recommend the film, I was going to write a review, but I've never been able to write decent movie reviews...I either recommend something or I don't. In this case, I recommend it.
I have a comedy bit I refer to as the anti-drug war poem. It's where I talk about being "Peter the Pill-Poppin' Penguin," and instead of trying to scare kids into not using drugs, I try to get them to educate themselves and question things instead. While it's a fairly radical bit on the surface, I think the overall message of education and nurturing versus fear and manipulation comes across. Meaning, I haven't gotten a negative response from doing the bit yet! I only close with it though, and I only do it if I've been on stage for 20 minutes or so, I never do it for shorter sets.
In San Francisco voters are supporting the idea of naming a local sewage plant after george w. bush. Personally, I find this insulting, there's no comparison between bush and a sewage plant, a sewage plant serves many positive purposes and benefits society immensely. Our lives would be worse if sewage plants didn't exist.
San Francisco, when will you end your fecal matter intolerance? Or as I like to call it, turdism.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Ironically enough at one point in the day I was at my friend's apartment and there was a Kurt Vonnegut book sitting on the couch. I said, "man, this is one of my favorite comedians, I remember when I found out he died." This sparked a conversation on the deaths of different icons and people that played inspirational roles in our lives even though we never met them.
So, I called my comedy friends when I found out Carlin died, they had just left my apartment so I knew chances were they hadn't heard yet. After that I watched clip after clip, and then I kind of just sat on my couch until I knew I was tired enough that I could actually fall asleep.
I don't want to get overly sentimental here, I get annoyed when I see people speaking of celebrities and public figures as if they actually knew the person. But seriously, just look at these last 5 years:
Hunter S. Thompson
and now of course George Carlin...
Four voices that not only are gone, but gone at a time when they are needed more than ever, especially Vonnegut, Thompson, and Carlin.
It's hard to have a pleasant day when we need to deal with the realization that George Carlin is dead and george w. bush is still the president.
I encourage everyone to do something today that they enjoy doing, go to the lake, spend time with friends and family, make a few long-needed phone calls, we've all earned it.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Yes, the "compromise" surveillance bill has passed. Our civil liberties held at gun-point, our 4th Amendment, for the most part, non-existent. You know, when I read the news most of the time these days I can't help but think to myself, "damn, I'm not a good enough comedian to find anything funny about this."
This new surveillance law allows the government to wire-tap its citizens without court permission while simultaneously granting amnesty to the initial wrong-doers, namely the telecommunication companies and the bush administration.
"Surely Ron, there must be some provisions? The government can't just wire-tap whoever they want, that'd be unconstitutional wouldn't it?"
We'll find out once somebody digs the constitution out of george bush's garbage can.
But, there are in fact some provisions: The government can only spy on citizens without a court order if they would miss out on "important information" otherwise. Such descriptive language assures that our civil liberties would be protected.
Important information of course ranges from potential terrorist threats, international conspiracies against the U.S., and potential brownie recipes from Grandma Smith. Do you dislike the president? Talk on the phone about it and they'll find out.
This bill was supported by Barack Obama. It's true. Although, he doesn't agree that amnesty should be given to the telecoms...umm, then why did he back a bill that gave them said amnesty?
That's like saying "I support Taco Bell but am complete opposed to cheap, delicious, crunch-wrap supremes!!" Well, maybe you shouldn't support Taco Bell.
Maybe, just maybe, Obama shouldn't have supported this bill. A bill to enhance security in a manner that interferes with our civil liberties as little as absolutely possible is one thing, to give amnesty to people who broke the law, and give unreasonable amounts of spying power to government officials through vague wording is something entirely different.
The bush administration has literally pissed all over this democratic congress, and they've let it happen. From war funding, to oil, and now to our civil liberties, I wasted a night of celebration in November of 2006.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Anyway, there was an article about Michelle Obama and her appearance in some of the tabloids. She's a great mom, never missed a child's recital, shops at Target, loves Sex and the City, just your average everyday middle-aged American female. Sure she's an essential part to the most significant presidential race in U.S. history, but who cares about that, where'd she get her latest wardrobe??
As Us Weekly Editor Jan Min said: "People want to know can you drink a beer with them, or, in the case of our reader, a cosmo." Great input Min, really. That's a spectacular question to ask, can I drink a beer with them? After all, that attitude produces wonderful results, just look at 2004.
Thanks to Jan and the rest of the tabloid-sugar-pushing wastelands I learned that Obama's favorite food is Chili and his preferred reading material is "Harry Potter." I'd like to think it would disturb us all that our potential-next-President's preferred reading is a children's book, but considering our current President, nothing should come as shocking or surprising.
I, personally, don't enjoy children's books. I know "Harry Potter" has had a very wide appeal and has done extremely well, which is fine. But it's not for me. I'm going to be dull here and stick with grown-up books. Besides, there are some crazy people out there that have written children's books---like Hitler and Bill O'Reilly.
In even less significant news, Burger King just launched the world's most expensive burger, costing $200. The burger is called...you guess it...The Burger. Most people I know that go to Burger King refuse to order anything that's not on the dollar menu.
A BK spokesman said: "The Burger reflects our ongoing commitment for producing for a range of different pockets."
Which pocket does a $200 burger fall into? The "I have too much money and an instant artery-clogging death wish" pocket? Thought so.