Thursday, July 29, 2010

It Could be a 'Dud'ley

I wish I would be paid a dollar for every instance where the media points out the fact that Tactless Tony's replacement happens to be if that's significant.

I mean gee, the American corporate brand has served us so well the past few years, just look at Wall Street, Goldman Sachs, HALLIBURTON! If that leadership stamp doesn't scream ethics and security, I don't know what does.

I find BP's ploy to make this epic disaster an issue of nationalistic pride shallow and elementary at best, however they'll likely be successful.

I mean hell, he can RELATE more right? He lives here, he's a good toutin' 'Merican! Sadly, assumption says the world looks the same on the deck of a private yacht or through a multi-million dollar home where all your needs are met ten-fold. You want someone that can relate and feel the effect of all that's going on? Try hiring one of the shrimp captains that have been out of work and still are.

Let's get Captain Bubba-Gump in charge of the realms: "OK, you know all those resources we have? We're going to divert all of our energy into CREATING A CAR THAT RUNS ON AIR!! We're going to break this declining method of obtaining energy so that way I can go back to doing what I do best which is bringing YOU delicious SEAFOOD! Anyone have a problem? Here's an oil pipe, put that in the ground and the other end up your ass and let me know how it goes." I want to see what that guy can bring to the table.

Now some of you may think I'm being nit-picky here and that's fine...but I encourage you to check out this article

See that? Those ol' CEOs were just hard-working chaps like the rest of us, and good ol' Dudley, he's the same way. Does he have any plans to finally fix this mess? Is he working around the clock to solve this crisis once and for all? Who cares! He was born on the same pile of rock and soil as the rest of us.

Instilling nationalism at a time of crisis has quite the success record when it comes to bending the populace to your whim...just ask some guy named George how it worked for him when he wanted to spy on his own citizens, or a guy named Glenn how it helps with his ratings, I'm pretty sure it worked wonders for some dude in Germany named Adolf.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Take a Bow, Fall

"People spend alot of time worrying about how something can't work instead of how it can."

It's actually inaccurate of me to put that in quotes, because I'm paraphrasing somebody else. Not just somebody else, but I can't remember whom. Not only can I not remember which person but they may have gotten it from somebody else, or a book, and I don't know the reference. Yet, I'm leaving it. I want this blog post tragically flawed with no option but to shrug, much like our civilization.

On that, I recently made a life decision and will be starting a Master's program at Duquesne University in several weeks. No, I'm not quitting comedy, and I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, comic to make the two co-exist. Again, focusing on the can here.

BP will remain a corporate villain in the eyes of the populace until of course the newest line of affordable mid-sized automobiles is released. This will conveniently coincide with the mid-term elections where the Democrats will yet again prove their only consistent ability is the ability to shoot themselves in the foot. On the bright side, the irony will still be thick enough to cut with a knife.

I personally enjoy the dissection of BP's practices, just to clarify, I'm not defending them by any means, but are we delusional enough to think that they're the only oil company out there to enforce shoddy safety procedures in exchange for padding their own pockets? It wasn't too long ago the Daily Show uncovered that in fact their safety tactics are parallel with other major oil companies.

Other criticisms have included the lack of diversity in the upper management.

Are all of the above reasonable criticisms? Absolutely. Does it piss me off? Yes. Is it surprising? Of course not. Major oil companies rake in billions while trying to squash any opportunity to advance more environmentally sound forms of energy, they cut corners without any regard for their employees or humanity in general, and we really expect to walk into their offices and see a group of people holding hands singing "We Are the World?"

Let's save the delusions can we? In the past few weeks I've come across people that support the war, supported bush, yet they're huge activists now because they avoid buying their gas from BP, you know, that locally owned franchise where it doesn't affect the people responsible for this mess one bit whether you shop there or not.

"Holy shit, sales are down in Millvale? Forget about wanting my life back, repair the well permanently immediately, bring the troops home, let's invest in electric cars"--Tony Hayward, September 2010, just months after ill-informed morons drove an extra 10-feet to the Exxon Mobil.

If you're so committed to said cause don't simply boycott BP, get a bike. If you go said route make sure you don't follow any traffic rules whatsoever and then complain about how people don't share the road, you'll fit in quicker.