Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Laura Bush memoir and Goldman Sachs

Laura Bush has a memoir coming out. Topics include the potential poisoning her and gw were victim to in Germany and that her husband's main priority as president was preventing an can find this in the Fiction section of all major bookstores.

Laura Bush also mentions that a 1963 car crash in Texas that killed a schoolmate caused loss of faith, to bad that didn't have the same effect on her husband or we could've avoided all that abstinence only bs. The moral of the story: blame an invisible supreme being in the sky when you run a stop sign. The insurance company will buy it, promise.

The Federal Reserve issued their statement in regards to the current economy. Transcription below:

"Oops...our foul...f@!k it, let's go bowling!"

Goldman Executives issued a statement saying they have "No Regrets"...Ted Nugent is already working on the tribute song.

"We've got No Regrets!
We made some rockin' bets!
We've got money, we've got power,
O what a bummer, your deal went sour!"

(insert cow bell)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Little Pittsburgh Riffin'

Do you think if the Pope coached the Pittsburgh Steelers we never would've heard about the Roethlisberger thing but then he would've randomly been traded to another team and we'd all wonder why?

I'll be at Spring Carnival at Carnegie Mellon University this Friday, 5:30pm. There could be thunder-storms, and no I don't mean that in the cheesy faux-wrestling advertisement way, I mean literally, it may storm. I did a folk festival once in the Western Washington mountains where it stormed the entire weekend and people were staying in tents. I was the MC in between bands. I'd try to do a joke and I'd look at the band huddled on the stage, trying to keep their instruments dry because the stage was leaking, waiting for me to introduce them and get the hell of stage. I guess what I'm getting at is no matter what this shouldn't be a new experience per se, but could be interesting. At the end of the day, there's nothing stopping me from heading over to Panther Hollow with any and all friends in attendance. So come on down to Carnival rain or shine. Now that was cheesy faux-wrestling for ya.

I just got back from New York last night, had a long day, so tonight I nestled up to the Penguins' game. I've always been fascinated by the post-game locker room interviews after a tough loss. I'm no athlete but I kind of feel like a bad game is similar to a bad set from an emotional stand point. In fact I remember once last year during the Stanley Cup tournament I was hosting a weekend in Seattle. The first show was beyond awful. Small crowd, no energy, I was the host so I was up first. Tried everything I could to get them into it with no avail, boy did I shit the bed. Set the tone for the rest of the show, everybody bombed, even the headliner eventually just started rattling off his jokes like a laundry list. The next day the Penguins blew it against the Red Wings, big time. Fleury let go 5 goals and had to be pulled. I was watching the game with one of the comics from the show last night, "that's me dude, holy shit, I was Fleury last night, that's what that set felt like, please let tonight not be a train wreck." Go figure that night both shows were sold out and the crowds were great...and of course the Pens went on to win the Cup.

Anyway, post-game locker room, I don't know how those guys keep their composure all the time, if I had to have a post-set interview after a bad set, a really bad set, it wouldn't be pretty...

"Well Ron, really tough set tonight, crowd wasn't into you, guess that confederate flag in the corner of the venue could've been an indicator that this just wasn't going to be your night..."

"Stupid people are breeding, they're the only ones breeding, I'm not funny, there's nothing to hold on to, as a species we're done."

"...ok, actually the question was 'would you have changed your closer?'"

"Your mom's a closer."

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Following Should NOT be April Fools' Jokes


1. Honey...I'm pregnant!

2. Babe, I know you want kids and I don't...As a healthy compromise I got us a dog and myself a vasectomy, surprise!

3. Ann Coulter just gave birth to twin girls.

In the office:

4. Go up to your boss eating a fiber bar and say "I know you wanted the stool sample first thing in the morning, I'm still working on it."


5. Wal-Mart just bought out every non-commercial radio station in the US. When we say 'edgy' on the airwaves we mean Creed.

6. This is going to be the year for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

7. Turns out root beer cures the common cold.

8. Letting your cats lick your arm-pits is the equivalent of breast feeding for them due to the minerals and salts in your sweat...also like breast feeding said practice is nurturing, tickles a little and when done in public people tend to stare.