Deciphering Office Titles

I've worked in an office for longer than I'd ever planned to in my life. When I was 18-ish one of my biggest goals for adulthood was to never end up in a cubicle. Sadly, I failed at said goal. Guess I couldn't conquer never. While the above-mentioned is disappointing it has allowed me to view office life through my own direct lens. Here's a little translation to what positions actually entail:


Vice President of Operations--You've done the same thing for over 20 years. At this point, you've been around so long they had to up your salary and give you a brand new title.


Assistant Vice President of Operations--You have a family member very high up. So high up that the money in the budget that was going to go into extending benefits went towards creating an unnecessary position for you because you were never able to accomplish anything on your own. Everybody smiles at you while simultaneously wishing you would get run over by a bus.


Administrative Assistant--Gopher.


Personal Assistant to _______--You're a gopher and you're sleeping with your boss.


Officer--You have an entry level position, stay where you're at and don't ask questions and you could end up being a Vice President of Operations.

Specialist--You're an officer with a college degree.


Facilities Maintenance--Whenever it's Burrito Day in the cafeteria, you're due for a rough afternoon.

Quality Assurance--You're over-anal and generally don't work well with others, likely resulting from a lousy sex-life.

Upper Management--Once a year you need to address everybody else and tell them why nobody will be getting raises next year.

"We Value You As An Employee"--Big Brother's watching. Enjoy the Starbucks coupon.