Thursday, June 17, 2010

An Open Letter to Tony Hayward (BP CEO)

Dear Tony,

Boy, what a minor inconvenience this turned out to be. Looks like it's more of quite the disaster, and frankly I don't think a complimentary candy bar to all Louisiana residents is going to cut it.

During your 7 1/2 hour probing you graced us with many eloquent and informative answers including but certainly not limited to:

"I can not say."

"[I'm] not prepared to draw conclusions about this accident until the investigation is complete."


"I was not involved with that decision."

That last gem is in reference to the criticism of BP's choice of casing. I'm sure at your level passing the buck is something you could do in your sleep, hell, something had to get you where you are. It's tempting, I'm sure it is, I'm sure everyone would go that route if it wasn't for...what's the word I'm looking for...sometimes causes one not to sleep...oh yeah, values!

Anyway, I'm not here solely to criticize your line of work or the work-culture you adhere to, that's a book I hope to write later in my lifetime. Rather, I'm here to present you with an exercise, a true test of self-will, maybe something that could move things along.

I heard on NPR (they talk about you too quite a bit, you're getting a new fan club I swear) that one in every eight British men would give up sex for the tournament's length if it meant that England won the World Cup. Tell your wife you have an idea. No shaggin' tell this thing's fixed. The only hole you'll be pluggin' will be in the Gulf. You two can even make a little rhyme out of it. "If the water's still black Tony gets none in the sack." You want your life back? Well, the "small people," as you like to refer to them as, want their lives back too.

You seem to be unresponsive to government pressure, and I'm sure the metaphorical Obama ass-whopping is all but laughable considering the fat check you cats wrote during the election.

So maybe some good ol' fashioned sex-less pavement-pounding work is what you need. Come on, Tony, feel like one of the small folks for once. In fact, on behalf of myself and anyone else on this planet that has to spend day after day at a job where they bust their ass to put food on the table: Get to work. Don't even bother getting in front of the camera, don't issue anymore apology videos, just get to work. And open your checkbook Tony, because it's time to pay...maybe you should be part of some of those casing decisions next time.

I'm an artist Tony, we'll always and forever be very different you and I. Amen.

--Ron Placone

No comments: