Monday, January 10, 2011

John Boehner: Quaaludes to Blame for Half-Hearted Speech

Several members of John Boehner's staff have come forward to apologize for Boehner's half-hearted and insensitive response to the Arizona shootings:

"We've been getting alot of complaints, and, I mean, I guess it's fair. Here's a guy that has difficulty controlling his emotions at any given time and here in a case of extreme tragedy he gives a speech and you'd think he was talking about a possum that got run over."

According to the staff citizens have complained there was "no tone of sadness in his voice," he was "too stoic and matter-of-fact" in his delivery and he found it necessary to instruct everyone to behave a certain way since "today is the Sabbath." He gave said speech on Sunday. Gabrielle Giffords is Jewish.

"We did get some fan-mail over that one actually, mainly from Tea Party members and the religious right, Glenn Beck sent an autographed copy of one of his books, which was actually perfect timing because it's freezing in Ohio right now and we needed something to keep the fire going."

However, according to the staff the "lame" speech was no fault of Boehner's, as he has in fact been on a heavy dose of Quaaludes and has undergone several experimental surgeries to keep his tear ducts at bay. One staff member, who has requested to remain anonymous, said that the treatments given to Boehner were his suggestions.

"After he cried, I was like, 'come on man, we're Republicans. This isn't some hippie-liberal-douche-crap.' I told him he needed to toughen up. I mean look at the size of his gavel, he’s compensating for something, that’s for sure."

At first, Boehner and staff tried to fix his "issues" without the help of prescription drugs.

"We made him watch Bambi, like, 50 times, but after each time we'd give him some venison jerky. I'd be like, 'see, isn't this awesome, Bambi's a tasty treat, don't you think Bambi would want to be a tasty treat?' He'd keep crying on and on about Bambi's mom, he'd spit out the jerky, and we'd have to give him another time-out. 50 times man, 50 times."

After the Bambi experiment failed other movies were tried.

"We did Forrest Gump for a bit, that didn't work either, he cried every single time with that one. He wasn't crying because of Forrest or Jenny or anything, he was crying for Nixon. He hated the whole Watergate thing, he could never hold it in for that. 'Poor Nixon!' he'd shout."

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) confirms Boehner's need to "toughen up."

"We went out one night, and man, this guy couldn't hold his stuff. After one shot he was a mess. I told him, I was like, 'look man, you need to toughen up or I'm going to do to you what we did to that bitch on the swim team at Baylor.' Man, those were the days, college...what we're we talking about? Oh yeah, Boehner, I was all like, 'look man, stop being such a pansy.'"

Boehner, who has repeatedly ignored our attempts to contact him in regards to this matter, under went the surgery and was prescribed Quaaludes the day after his over-night binge drinking with Rand Paul. Boehner apparently woke up soaked in his own vomit and urine with a drawn male organ across his face. Though nothing has been confirmed, sources say Rand Paul was the artist behind the penis.

"It was ridiculous, I mean, he had to make a speech that day, and in he came, hung-over and with a huge c#$k on his face. I mean didn't this guy have a childhood?"

Some questions will always be better off rhetorical...

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