Sunday, February 28, 2010

Jesus' Worst Fans

I wrote this a little while ago and sent it out. Sadly, nobody picked it up. So, by default, it finds its home in the realm of "Thoughts, Rants and Cold Coffee."

Jesus’ Worst Fans

At times I wonder if Jesus Christ feels a little bit how I imagine Johnny Depp must feel. Do the two of them at times, maybe right before bed, sigh to themselves and exclaim: “Damn…over half of my fan-base completely misses the point?”

That’s what I imagine. I can’t imagine a beat-enthusiast out of Kentucky who wanted to pursue music and toured with Hunter Thompson under a guise relates to the 20-and-under crowd that house the Jack Sparrow poster next to the Jonas Brothers.

Likewise, I can’t imagine that Jesus…well, no explanation needed there.

To narrow it down to five is anything but an easy task…I’m sure I’m missing a few gems to say the very least. Nonetheless, out of those that have successfully sought out the public eye and pummel in their dribble on a regular basis, here is what I deem to be, based on my individual level of blood curdling, Jesus’ five worst fans.

5. Ann Coulter. Granted, Palin’s already stealing whatever thunder she has left. Palin’s got a family in the spotlight, is reasonably attractive, and her adam’s apple doesn’t have its own zipcode, old Ann just can’t compete. Though, her philosophy to ‘perfect’ the Jews, the John Edwards slandering and the fact that the whole Playboy thing was a hoax (the general populace doesn’t deserve to be frightened so) earns her a much coveted spot in the top 5.

4. Bill O’Reilly. Only in America can the angry bordering-on-hate-speech ramblings of a sociopath barely fit for a five star dive bar receive national broadcasting on the nation’s largest media mogul. Bill’s watering down of every issue, spoon-feeding information to his ideal audience (people that don’t think or ask questions), his obnoxious and narrowed nationalism, and of course the baiting and bias labeling of his guests, especially those without religious convictions (Richard Dawkins interview anyone?) gives him #4 with a bullet.

3. Tim Tebow. This one isn’t necessarily directed entirely at the individual. This is more for all the athletes, actors and actresses, musicians and whomever else that always insist on thanking Jesus or God for an award they receive or an athletic victory they accomplish. It’s a bit arrogant can’t we all agree? Bob Knight had it right: "God couldn't care less if we win or not. He is not going to parachute in through the roof of this building and score when we need points." Tim Tebow and co, take notes. Jesus doesn’t care, and if he did than he must prefer the Crimson tide over you, so sad.

2. Rick Santorum. Iraq does in fact still have those weapons of mass destruction, and if you’re a homosexual there’s nothing separating the love between you and your partner and bestiality. This is the world according to Rick Santorum, and yes, he’s breeding. Afraid? Me too.

1. Pat Robertson. How could it be anyone but? What’s happening in Haiti is a total and complete tragedy. A bigger tragedy, the fact that Pat Robertson was born with a tongue. Pat’s the king of televangelism who’s compared the Democratic congress with Nazi Germany, Feminism with witchcraft and family destruction, and has called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez…all in the time of…one of the most pacifist philosophers ever recorded in history. Ol’ Patty brings in millions through his gospel of hate and intolerance and is, as far as I’m concerned, Jesus’ worst fan. And on the eighth day the Lord said thou shalt create a propaganda hate-spouting media powerhouse and shall name it after the carnivorous members of the Canidae family, or if that’s taken go for the less original and more blatant Christian Broadcasting Network.

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