Monday, July 21, 2008

John McCain...UnCensored!!!

The New York Times rejected an essay written by the one and only John McCain. While they claim the rejection was simply based on procedure and they plan on publishing his piece in the future, I feel this censorship is unjust to the American people. We need to hear what our candidates have to say, regardless of how lousy they are, I mean, may be.

In pursuit of the truth, I did one of the heaviest dives of investigating ever performed in my writing career: I sought out the unedited version of McCain's essay!

CNN posted something, but I wasn't so easily fooled. This is something, but it's not the gravy, this isn't the true, raw, unfiltered pen and paper substance ideas that we've come to depend on none other than John McCain for! investigation began.

To protect the privacy of those involved, I have provided a near-verbatim transcription of my adventure.

The day began with me calling the McCain campaign. I did this through use of my personal cell phone. This is a hand-held device that can be used to make phone calls. I dialed the number of John McCain's campaign office. Their number is (703) 418-2008. I found this information via John McCain's website, there was tab, albeit hidden, that read "Contact Us." The detective in me came out.

I talked to an older fellow, much older than myself, yet we had one thing in common...our pursuit of truth.

OG=Old Guy

OG: John McCain headquarters, where foreigners die and Viagra flies!

Me: Hello sir, in pursuit of the truth I would like a copy of John McCain's controversial essay, the one the New York Times rejected.

OG: In my day, we didn't have newspapers, we wrote on stone tablets and...

Me: Sir, I understand your frustration and believe me, no one feels your pain as much as I, but the truth is bigger than both of us sir, I need this piece to publish on my blog.

OG: Blog?

Me: Yes sir, it is an electronic collection of ideas housed on the internet, and from there people may dive into the truth of...

OG: Internet? What's this hocus-pocus all about?

Me: Sir, trust me on this one, do you trust me?

OG: Yes, in fact, I think I'm in love with you.

Me: Nice

OG: I will send you your desired essay, can you receive smoke signals?

Me: No, but fortunately my assistant Lucy has that ability. Lucy, to the window.

OG: Where do you live kind sir?

Me: Seattle.

OG: On its way.

At this point my assistant Lucy went to the window. Lucy, being a cat, lacked the ability to verbally deliver the essay to me, but thanks to her assistance we were able to decipher the essay between the two of us.

Me: Thank you sir, your efforts will not go unrewarded. Know that the general populace is genuinely appreciative.

OG: Thus ends our correspondence?

Me: Sadly, yes. I have work to do, and this can not wait.

OG: Well then, don't turn around, I don't want you to see my heart breaking.

Me: The truth is not easy, god-speed sir!

Then I went straight to my computer, and I promise you fellow experiment failures, this is the unfiltered words straight from the man's pen:

In January 2007, when General David Petraeus took command in Iraq, he called the situation "hard" but not "hopeless." Today, 18 months later, violence has fallen by up to 80% to the lowest levels in four years, and Sunni and Shiite terrorists are reeling from a string of defeats...So now it's time to bomb, bomb, bomb....bomb bomb Iran!

Progress has been due primarily to an increase in the number of troops and a change in their strategy. I was an early advocate of the surge at a time when it had few supporters in Washington. Senator Barack Obama was an equally vocal opponent. You know who else wasn't in favor of it, my wife...But you know what, she's a c*nt!! (Edited for children, sorry, I guess I was a bit off on the unfiltered part).

The success of the surge has not changed Senator Obama's determination to pull out all of our combat troops. All that has changed is his rationale. In a New York Times op-ed and a speech this week, he offered his "plan for Iraq" in advance of his first "fact finding" trip to that country in more than three years. It consisted of the same old proposal to pull all of our troops out within 16 months. In 2007 he wanted to withdraw because he thought the war was lost. If we had taken his advice, it would have been. Now he wants to withdraw because he thinks Iraqis no longer need our assistance. That's total nonsense, of course they need our assistance. There are still plenty of "Weapons of Mass Destruction" there. I use quotes to try to make Barack Obama look less legitimate. And it's going to work damn it!!

To make this point, he mangles the evidence. He makes it sound as if Prime Minister Maliki has endorsed the Obama timetable, when all he has said is that he would like a plan for the eventual withdrawal of U.S. troops at some unspecified point in the future...Ok, so basically he asked for a withdrawal timetable, well, since I'm so good at quoting classic rock 'n' roll songs when it comes to serious matters, here's another one: "You can't always get what you want!"

I am also dismayed that he never talks about winning the war?(Yes, McCain put a question mark here, not sure why) only of ending it. But if we don't win the war, our enemies will. A triumph for the terrorists would be a disaster for us. That is something I will not allow to happen as president. Instead I will continue implementing a proven counterinsurgency strategy not only in Iraq but also in Afghanistan with the goal of creating stable, secure, self-sustaining democratic allies. If there's one thing we have right now, it's spectacular foreign relations, I will continue this trend by nonchalantly verbalizing plans to bomb the hell out of anybody that pisses me off! And let me tell you America, I have quite a few hemorrhoids to content with.

I remember back in my high school days there were these people down south that were trying to stir things up, they didn't want to be part of the Union. Well, Lincoln set them straight. I remember thinking, someday I may have to set the U.S.A. straight again! Well, that time has come. Vote for me and we'll have short-term solutions for our energy crisis that will make the oil companies richer and save you a few dollars while solving nothing! We'll have continued war, and don't forget improved health care, if you happen to need Viagra.

Now where's my gramophone? I've got some rocking out to do.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I did read your John McCain "Me and Old Guy" interview, or what did read like a made up interview.

If you have an occasion in the future for which you require an accurate, fast transcript, I do that - see more

Thanks for writing,

Alan Kelly, owner/operator
(Champlain, NY)